Astral Projection

I am frozen fruit and lost petals
I am crisp honey tea on a lukewarm afternoon
Our eyes shine like sunbeams hitting morning dew
We are us

What do I do
When I can't help you
I feel so useless
Like I can't do this

I wanted some great video
A monologue of my escape
I wanted to find beauty in it but there wasn't a story like that for me
It was broken coffee mugs and lukewarm beer
It was thunder on a sweet sunlit day
There was no happy ending but only a new beginning
A rocky, shaky, rumbling begging
A new way to rebuild

I saw my mom for the first time in a year today
We barely exchanged hellos before she made the comment
"Look how big you've gotten"
I was reminded I am taking up too much space.
That i did not belong in the body I was given
That I was a sin
A clown
I had no control over my weight
That's the burden you carry when you are the sick kid for life
I continue to work on myself but the thought replays in my head
Look
How
Big
You've
Gotten.
Like a threat.

My depression is getting bad again
The future is going to suck

It is like living in Alaska
I do not remember the last time I saw the sun
Maybe a day ago
Maybe a month ago

One day it makes its return
Stealthily, quietly
It starts with a curled lip that forms a smile
It's laughter
It's knowing I am going to marry you
It's waking up next to you every morning
It's you

I want a song about getting better
Not songs about trembling hands and broken hearts
I want explosions of emotions and hillside rivers filled to the brim with unspoken words
I want silence filled nights
Star gazing with built up momentum

I no longer want unripened days filled with nothingness
Silence
No one near or far

I want to live
I want to love
I want to feel
I want to be heard

You were fast cars and recklessness
Tumblr posts at 3am
Milky skin attached to the damned
A demon
You were safety during a war
Something to fall back on
Something creating false safety

I am tired
Of being too fat for men who have no future
For men who have no right to decide what my vessel contains within
For men themselves who weigh the same as me or more
For men who look at naked women on the internet and fantasize about them
For men who wonder what they're like

I am tired of being me
I am tired of trying to people please and fill others with love
I am tired of loving
Of losing
Of fighting
Of the same excuse of "I can't change who I am but I can change what I do"

I am tired
Of not being them
Of not being enough
Of going to bed sad
Of crying over it
Of asking for them to be better
To do better

I shouldn't have to

I fell in love with a man who had soft hands that held me so surely
He kissed the scars on my wrists and thighs and told me it was all going to mean something one day
I fell in love with cocoa skin and ringlet hair
I fell in love with someone who will one day break me more than others have
But it was all going to mean something one day

Do you hear me mind?
It's me, body.
I know you haven't been well lately.
But I wanted to tell you something.
Your actions hurt me,
You keep driving me to exhaustion
You forget me
Still im here
So here my wish
Take good care of me, my brother.
Because we're living this life together.

Pillow thoughts
------------------------

The cold sinks into the crevasses of my bones
It makes a home there
A black plague that hovers like rain clouds
But there's never any rain

I flip and roll
The ground shakes underneath me
I crumble California like an earthquake

I ask to make home in your arms but I am too high up
Hovering above every face I've ever met
Ever known

I am a balloon on Shelby's birthday that has been set free by some kid who loosened his grip

I continue to go up
And up

I don't crash until you tell me you can't sleep because I'm bouncing too much
But
I don't know how to stop the earthquake inside of me that gets worse when I lay down