S1ckboy's Breakdowns

I know, it sounded weird coming out of my head, too. Having to be pushed, just barely to the brink of suffering to make a living, has a fascinating way of making one re-evaluate their life and their current standing in that life. Yes, I made the right decision in changing my career aspirations so that my family can be taken care of. My heart, however, was still aching for music. Every song I heard, I thought about how I would play it differently. Every new band that emerged, was wrapped in a thick coating of envious jealousy that my mind projected over them. Plainly, it sucked, a lot.

And after my daughter was just a little over the age of 3, I got my drums back, and started another band. I imagine this is how he**in addicts feel after that first shot. I was in a dream state, no drug had been able to produce before. “This was bliss”, I would think to myself. This is what life is all about. Finding the one thing that truly brings you happiness, and capitalizing on it. Making it a part of your very soul. And having everything else that your life consists of, or will consist of, build on top of that happiness. The choices I made in my life, did not build on top of my happiness. The people I chose to spend my time with, also did not aid in this endeavour. Choice, once again, determined my destiny. And before long, I was struggling to relive the dream, only to have to give it up, yet again. That was the last time, however.

6 years have passed, and the stifled creativity that was once exhuberantly flowing from my veins, was capped and plugged, and basically forgotten about. My life became less about living, and all about trying to survive. I had no dreams, no ambitions, no real goals to speak of, other than to try and make as much money, at what ever job I had at the time, as I could so my family didn’t starve or end up homeless. Let’s just say, I was not 100% successful with the latter two. To say we’ve had some bumps along the way, would be an egregious understatement. Between battles with past relationships, trying to make sure my daughter was safe, when this was often times out of my ability.

Struggling to keep employment, because of battles with past relationships. Trying to keep my head, and my daughters a float. It was basically just her and I most of the time, even though her mom lived 5 minutes away. Thankfully, I was able to completely separate us from her, and after a couple of years, found a new soul to connect with. Even though my daughter’s bio-mom still tried to control my daughter and I, still tried to cause chaos within our family, This person never faultered and never questioned my devotion to family.

While we still deal with the emotional and mental aftermath that comes with having to go through some of the events we have had to go through, we’re in a much better place. We got a very disastrous, yet realistic look into the world of the Family Court System, and just how truly broken and corrupt that world really is. We were all horrified, and frightened just from the uncertainty that came with every court hearing. My daughter thought these people were going to help us. I was just as naive, as her though. 3 years we spent apart, and our family was broken. We were no longer a whole, we were just a part of what we were. I will always be grateful that this took place during a time my son will never physically remember. My daughter still has her bad days, and still struggles with the mental aftermath from her trauma, as do her mother and I. But she’s very aware of what could have been. I, am forever grateful for that not taking place. So, while all of this was going on, I was also transitioning into the bustling industry of Information Technology.

Where, as a day job, I currently employ as tech support for a local trucking company. One thing, that never changed. That always stayed consistent, no matter what direction my life was going in, at any given time, was my love for gaming. That has always stayed true, with my wife and I. Beneath all of the outside interests in music, and tech, and such, we are always gamers. This has remained true, still into our mid-30’s. With the ever evolving technology that powers all of our beloved titles, how can you not be!? At this point, though, gaming was just an escape. I had not even considered the possibility of becoming a broadcaster. So, when I started feeling that “itch” for another creative outlet, I started looking at the world around me. One creative outlet (which is still being worked on), I became interested in was writing.

*keep in mind, I was not even aware of Twitch, or streaming at this time*

I’ve always fascinated with story telling, as this was a major component for most of my songs and music productions that I was a part of. Wanting to tell a great story, through lyrics. Well, I wasn’t a musician anymore, so I went to the next thing that always gravitated towards, even as a kid. Comic Books. I can’t draw for s**t. I know that. I hadn’t practiced any other artistry, other than music, since I was 12 years old. I was not ashamed of the fact that I couldn’t draw, I was just very aware of it. I needed to think of how to not get hung up on it. That’s where I started trying my hand at writing. I had no idea what the f**k I was doing. None, what so ever. But, I had access to the internet, which means I had access to information. And there is a S**T LOAD OF INFO! As you may very well know.

So, I started researching on how to write a comic book. What the formula was for writing out the story, as well as the character actions and environment and such. I didn’t even know there were “scripts” for comic books. So, there was as much to learn, as there was to practice. Along the way, I started writing down notes. Little ideas I would have for characters, events, action sequences. I even employed the help of my best friend, Jonathan Cameron, who is a martial arts expert, and the first person I thought of, that could help keep my story grounded, and realistic, while also challenging the limits of the readers imagination. It was a lot of fun. And then, the always certain uncertainty of life reared its ugly head again, and that project got put on hold.

My hours at my job had gotten really out of hand, and I had no real schedule to speak of. Which means I was challenged with the task of balancing my time between, quality time with my wife, getting “adult life” things taken care of, my job, and trying to make sure I have adequate sleep and food so I can continue to do the former. So I wrote when I could, which wasn’t often, and soon the project was getting worked on less and less. I still have thoughts of getting it published, but for now, it’s not a major concern. While I had, indeed, found an awesome new creative outlet, it still lacked a major component that was a crucial ingredient to myself. Music.

I needed music. Not just to listen to, but to get out into the world. I wanted to talk about music, hear new music from new bands, I wanted to see what the local scenes were like now a days. I wanted to get back into the central nervous system of the up and coming generation of musicians. Where I struggled at first, was figuring out how to incorporate music, the way I know music, into my creative outlet. It was around this time, I was finally becoming aware of the gaming video trend that was sweeping across YouTube, and the rest of the internet. I noticed, some of the play through videos featured some interesting backing tracks. Some of which, I even recognized.

So I started making my own videos. Let me be the first to tell you, they were nothing special. I did everything from my android phone. Mostly footage from mobile games I was playing ( at that time i was really into moba’s on mobile, like Heroes Evolved, and PUBG mobile) I had my PS4, but was not cognizant of the streaming capabilities of that machine yet. My PC, well, was not in working order at the time. So that was all I had. And while I didn’t know what I was doing, or what i wanted to do with this at that time, I knew I was on the right path to something that would finally give what I was looking for. Shortly after this, I discovered how the new generations of consoles allowed players to upload videos, and even stream live right off of their console.

Still though, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to “do”. One night, I just thought i’d give it a try. No headphones, no mic, not even a pair of earbuds with an in-line mic (yes, those do work in a pinch if you need a headset for PS4 or Xbox). I just fired it up, and watched it go. I just wanted to see if anyone would watch. One guy came in, asked if he could join, but since I was frantically trying to COMMENT BACK TO THEM (it hurts to even think about it) and not able to verbally respond to their comment, they left. I did this, maybe 2 or 3 more times, before I finally said to myself “you know, maybe I should watch other people do this, and see what they do”. With thinking like that, it’s a wonder I haven’t gotten further in life.

Like with most things, the more I learned, the better I got. Between that last camless/micless stream, and the next time I would try it out , about 2 or 3 months passed by. This time, still no cam, but I had my headset. I watched all the “how to” videos, and “what to do when starting out as a streamer” and all the other tutorial blogs, and videos that are currently available to anyone wanting to start their own adventure into streaming. And, as soon as it started, I couldn’t help but notice how incredibly soft spoken i suddenly became. How uninteresting and lifeless I sounded. It was gross.

I had become painfully self aware of the volume of my voice, and how both of my kids were sleeping in close proximity of where I was streaming. So I instinctively lowered my voice. Which had an impact on my stream, and on my as a broadcaster. A lot of experimenting was done at this time. As does happen with any one trying to design their channel to their unique specifications. So I had tasted the streamer life, and was fascinated by how fun it was. Even if I only had one person come in and leave, it was still fun. I had the perfect excuse to talk to myself, and have no one question it, you don’t believe how liberating that is!

Not really, but I did have a ton of fun with it. Then I saw what other streamers were doing with their channels. How they were “branding” themselves. Matching color schemes, awesome looking artwork designs and logos. The level of creativity that I saw being explored, was exactly what was missing. This is what I was looking for. This was the thing I needed to help me replace music as my goal, but keep it alive as my passion. I immediately started at looking around the internet, for any “free or low cost” solutions to my graphics and over all channel aesthetic. It’s kind of mind boggling how much is out there to help a streamer get started, or improve what they currently have, for almost no money. I still didn’t have a PC, but I had become proficient at using Android video editors. So I downloaded all my vids at work, and edited them at home. Streamed 2 to 3 nights a week. It was starting to take shape. That’s when I came across a post on Twitter, that I should have ignored.

I got in touch with the owner of an up and coming esports org that was also looking to recruit for their stream team. You’ll see these from time to time, “looking to join a team?” or “who’s interested in joining X-team? DM now!” Probably not the most professional recruiting method, but it seems to work. Got my attention anyhow. So I sent some links to a couple of the vids I had made at that time, waited a couple days. And got recruited. At the time, I was elated. Just starting out, barely have any idea as to what the f**k I am doing, and already getting recruited to “professional” organization that told me “I see a ton of potential in your content”. I must be doing something right! Right???

Not entirely. As the weeks started to roll on, I got my team graphics, in my preferred color scheme. Got all my branding materials, and my new moniker, which would stay with me, even today. Yeah, that’s right, s1ckboy hasn’t always been my stream name. I once went by Pachedyrm, which was given to me by my former band mates, in reference to my play style on drums. I had very “thunderous fills” as our guitarist Drew had described it. Pachedyrm’s Stomping Ground was my channel. I guess I could have gone back, and revived my original creation, but I just saw a lot of potential with the “s1ckboy” brand. So I’ve stuck with it, and I’m pretty happy with it.

After a while, things started taking place that made me start to question the integrity of this new organization I found myself in. For one thing, after only a few months of being with the team, I was offered the ownership of the organizations streaming group, or “stream team”. Once again, I was beside myself at the time, and could not believe the opportunities that were coming my way. That last about 30 seconds, before doubt immediately entered my mind. Another thing was the team’s discord channel was over run with high school antics and drama, immaturity from both players and management, it was a f**king s**t show, dude. The team’s twitter group chat had more drama in it than a summer episode of Maury Povich (showing my age. Look it up kids.) But, I was willing to over look that. I knew, that most gaming teams are going to consist of players that are under age. But when I saw the same kind of stuff coming from the staff, I started to raise my eyebrows, and questioned everything. I took control over one particular incident in the discord that involved a former member, the owner of the whole org, and a couple of players. It was f**king disgusting what took place, just from a maturity point of view. My 3 year old would have set them all in their place, that’s how low brow it was getting.

Maybe that’s why I somewhat put up with it, my being a dad. However, I made it very clear I would not be apart of an organization that conducted itself in such a way. Agreements were made from everyone that something like this would not happen again. And it didn’t, from that point till the time I left, so kudos to them for that. It wasn’t until the big hammer dropped that I decided to leave for good. It was brought to my attention, that the owner, the true owner, the head honcho for the whole organization, the guy meeting with “investors” and chasing million dollar business loans, and making the ill-advised decision to not seek out sponsors, the guy over seeing the “supposed construction” of a new training facility, was only 16 f**king years old.

I could not believe I had allowed myself to be fooled by a child, who was only a few years older than my daughter. I was pi**ed. I had allowed this kid, to put me in a position of extreme risk and responsibility, all because he was too young to do it himself. That was the reason I was made an owner. These alleged “investors” did not want to do business with, or allow to sign documents to a minor. NO FU***NG S**T!!! How that does not register with a person when they’re trying to set all of this up, I’ll never understand. But it happened. Luckily, before I found myself in a very precarious situation, I was able to get out. I absolved any and all responsibilities to the team, and it’s members, as well as dissolve any past connections with the organization. I was once again, completely and officially, on my own. And it felt really good.

While I was with the team, I was told I could run my channel how ever I wanted, just as long as it represented the team, and did so positively (not their words, I used grown up speak). And then after a few streams, it became, “run your channel how you want, but could you play Fortnite from time to time?” “Ugh, f**k it, fine”, I would think to myself. I’m on a team, and that’s something I never thought would happen, so I’ll do it for the opportunity. Well, that quickly became irrelevant, and I was almost immediately educated to the fact, that the team is obsessed with Fortnite, had all these promises to build all of these other teams, but only ever focused on Forknut. I couldn’t f**king stand it. Not only was I manipulated into turning my channel and content into something that was not genuine or creative in anyway, but I was also being told to play a game that I have no respect or love for in anyway. But, if I wanted to be with the team, I had to play F**k-nuckle. So, f**k these guys.

Being on my own, after experiencing all of this, was a revelation. I could do literally anything with this channel, that I wanted to do. I started seeing more diverse streams online, where people were doing more than just gaming. They were creating communities with like minded people. They were talking to people, really talking to them. They were doing something, that I don’t even think they realize they were doing. They were breaking the stereotypes. They were showcasing their intellect, as well as their compassion. They were allowing people to be involved, in their content. No other creative medium has that.

The only other art medium that allows the artist to interact with their fans, even close to the way streaming does, would be music. A live band, on stage, is able to interact with their fans through song, how a streamer does through chat. And it’s awesome. It’s like being on stage all over again. So, it was pretty easy to come up with the idea, to feature unknown/undiscovered bands on my show. Knowing how hard it can be to get your music heard, I wanted to give bands another outlet for their creativity. And, assuming this thing takes off the way I would like it to, give them a chance to distribute their music while also keeping 100% of the money from it.

It was at this point, that we got hit with another random brick across the face, from reality. My job just wasn’t cutting it anymore. My hours had depleted, and after 3 years of being with the company, I had no raise, no offer for full-time or benefits. I got, f**king nothing. After repeated attempts to talk to my boss, his boss and other people in management, asking what the f**k do I have to do to show I’ve earned a spot, it became apparent to me that I had no future at that place at all. So, I accepted my in-laws offer to move to Florida, and live with them to get back on our feet. This is the biggest change, besides marriage, and the birth of my children, that I have experienced in my life.

We’ve been here since the beginning of June 2018, and so far things are looking up. After about a month, of getting settled and moved in and all that, I started the stream up again. Got my PC Fixed!!!!!! Which was an awesome feeling, and allowed me to play more games. But, I started to notice something about myself. I wasn’t really that good. I mean, I’m good at the games, hell I’ve even helped win a few. But I wasn’t the “highlight”reel kind of guy. I wasn’t the streamer who built their channel on kill streaks, record breaks, wins per day, etc etc. So, I wasn’t going to succeed building my channel around strictly just game play. I had to do something to make myself stand out, and separate from the rest of the channels out there.

One thing that I introduced into my life, that has helped me make some really positive changes for myself and my family, is podcasts. There’s some really informative podcasts out there, and also some really silly ones that are good for a lot of laughs. But they’re amazing. And can be about literally anything, you want to talk about. Which literally, anyone can do! Sorry for all of the “literally’s” but this is serious s**t! You could actually start a podcast right f**king now! If you’re sitting in your living room, and you’re a person who is alive today, and have access to technology, you could start a podcast at this very second. With all of that, plus hearing Joe Rogan tell hundreds of people “you should really start a podcast”, that’s exactly what I did.

I took all of the things currently in my life, that allow me to be happy, have fun, and enjoy my life, rolled them all into a big ass ball, drop kicked that ball up into the f**king stars, let it crash back to earth, and picked up the biggest pieces, and made a podcast comprised of these things. These consisted of music, video games, podcasts, and human beings. Oh, and I was also trying to find a way to work through my anxiety. Which is worse in any kind of social situation. Main reason why I don’t play very many competitive or multiplayer games. So, trying to wear that wall down, has also become a goal.

Now, it all feels right. The show, the content, the look, the format, all of it. This is exactly what I was looking for. And while I may be starting over, creatively, and I have a big hill to climb, chasing others that are far more along their journey than I am. I couldn’t be more pleased with what I’m creating. And what’s more, I get to enjoy this with other, like minded people. People who share my love for games, and for music, and who have really fascinating things to say about these subjects. Their personal stories, their anecdotes, their opinions on things happening in the industry. I am so happy, I decided to do this.

Now, we’ve added a new change to the show. I want to talk to YOU. Yes, YOU. The starter streamer. The beginner broadcaster. I want to hear your stories. I want to talk about your journey. What are your experiences and memories so far? What currently drives you, and what are your goals? What the hell got you into streaming in the first place? And what are your thoughts on what some of these developers are doing with their games? What are your opinions? I want to give you the same shot as the bands. I want to help you reach more people. And I want to see you grow, all of you! We are fortunate enough, to be alive in a time where you can make a steady living, doing almost anything you can think of. And if this is that something, and if you’re truly passionate about your project, and want it to be genuine, and real, and a reflection of you as a human being, while also doing what ever it is you want to do with your channel, then I want you on my show, and I want to talk to you about your projects, and let other people know about them as well as get to know you.

So, while the road to this point has been long, bumpy, and at times non existent, the point I am at is fascinating to say the least. I’ve been down, mentally, for some time, even thought of doing away with the show. But then I wouldn’t have anything to look forward to. I wouldn’t have the enjoyment I feel from creating something, and having other people enjoy that creation. Even for just a handful of eyes, that one “good job” or “love your s**t” feels pretty f**king amazing. And I hope you all get to experience that for yourself, in what ever path you choose to take in your life. I’m ecstatic that you’re here to join in my journey with me. I hope you find something here that brings you joy, and I hope you’re able to maybe connect with some people, you didn’t think you would. What I hope to do with this show, isn’t just for me and my own selfish aspirations. It’s for every single one of you. For everyone that has a dream, a fantasy that stays locked in behind the lids when they close their eyes. For anyone that sees the world with a different point of view, and uses that to create. For anyone that ever thought of being more than they are. For anyone that has an idea, but are too afraid or reluctant to pursue it. Even if you never watch or listen to my show, I hope you take away from this story at least a shred of confidence knowing, that failure is not an end. It’s just a pause for you to regroup, rethink, and execute better.

Stay s1ck you f**king s1ckos!