Angel Light Rose

Taking a detox from social media for a while. My addiction is getting to the point where I need to take a break.

Made my princess alia instagram account. Finally. So my brain can be more organized. Feel free to check it out.

I've talked about what qualities I admire in others. But what about myself? I admire that I'm caring less and less about perfection. I admire that I'm caring less and less about being popular for the wrong reasons. I admire that I'm caring less and less about what others think. I admire that a man can't buy my affection or love. I admire that I'm getting away from codependency and becoming more and more free. So much I could say here, but right now, more than anything, I'm just glad to be me.

On the topic of children, I'll just say one thing. Often, I will see adults reprimand their children for making too much noise, for crying, for being playful even. And I always wonder if that's the right thing. To strip a child away from their natural curiosities, their imagination. I've heard a lady recently complain about her son not being as disciplined as she'd like him to be. I stayed silent mostly, but in the back of my mind, I'm wondering if my concern is why she can't get him to behave. Parents expect that an authoritative approach will fix the problem, but in my experience it does not.

I remember my friend who hated children took this approach and could not get the kid we babysat to brush her teeth. But alone with me, I gave her understanding and more sensitivity to her needs. And I did it. I got her to brush her teeth.

I really wonder if parents did more of this, how much less guilt and shame that a child would carry with them. And how much happier they'd be.

Because of the innocence that children have, I think I admire them all. I admire them for their determination to receive the love they deserve whether they get it or not. I admire them for the creativity and playfulness they have, something I hope never dies for them. I admire them for some of their inner wisdom, the wisdom that far exceeds abusive adults. I admire them for daring to dream, dreaming beyond comprehension. Dreaming before getting to the "real world." A world full of abandoned dreams.

Since I talked about women I admire, I also want to talk about men I admire. I admire the type of men who aren't aggressive. I admire the type of men who aren't money obsessed or power hungry. I admire the type of men who are humble and pure. I admire the type of men who have a life outside of work, the type of men who may not open every door for a women compulsively but they are gentlemen in the ways that count. They have a healthy view of romance and s*x, neither being too prude nor too perverted. Neither being too mean and guarded about sensual topics yet not being too creepy and intrusive. A man I admire is a man who seeks to grow and not care about the stupid masculity standards (e.g. its not okay to cry. If you cry, you are weak.). A man who can be at peace.

I would make YouTube videos right now to expand on my random thoughts but I don't feel like it. Too tired. This is my last thought for today.

It was women's day not too long ago. I didn't have anything to say about it until now. But I'll tell you that the women I admire. They are not just strong and independent. The first abuse shelter I went to, the room I was in, I crawled into what I usually wore at the time- a shirt and underwear. And I was immediately shamed for being like I was when I was alone. These were the type of women who would probably blame me if the bunker bed fell on top of the person below me. Even though I didn't weigh much. Bs right? Well I was honored to meet a woman who told me that her roommates wouldn't shame me at all for being comfortable in what I wanted to wear. They wouldn't shame for any little mistake. Those are the women I admire. Those are the women I am eternally grateful for. And these are the women who will stay in my heart

There's often a talk about consenting to s*x. But what about friendship? Personally I didn't understand when I was young that you can choose your friends. Often I didn't want to be rude, so I'd try to make it work. Sometimes though, that led me to trouble. It led me to someone who was manipulative, controlling, abusive. That's why I try to be as honest as possible. So I don't lose myself.

friends

I've been a loner all my life, a person who never felt like they belonged anywhere. I was never a part of a cliche. People pushed me aside, forgot about me, you name it. I probably just couldn't connect because people constantly put me down as I've said. For some reason, I was shamed for being too quiet.

I've analyzed for years why people didn't care to be my friend. I see all this advice about how to mold yourself to be more likeable, I even saw this guy who threw out online advice about how to be popular and how introverts like me are losers. Honestly the advice he gave was very shallow. Pretend you have friends to get them. Pretend you're someone you're not.

I think the best way to get meaningful friendships is to forget the advice online and try to do healthy things for you. Focus on getting better, and the friends will come. Even if not, you can have peace knowing that it's better to be alone to be with people who make you feel more alone.

For my last post, if I had done that about a year or so ago, I would have overthougt it completely, trying to overapologize. But the truth is that I'm not sorry and shouldn't have to be. I'm not so sure I have done enough wrong in my life to truly be sorry about much of anything. But my initial response is to say I'm sorry, to understand people to the point where it hurts me. And while I'm still here to be understanding, to be a good person, I can only help so much. I need to stand up for myself and stop watering down my opinion. For those who want to criticize me for that, my only response left is this: my cup is empty, and I'm not filling yours.

*xpositivity

Another thought I had today (frankly I don't want to talk about work for now) was about s*x. I was once in this atheist discord group asking about s*x before marriage. Conversation got heavier, and I made light banter about my s*xual experiences. Light! No graphic detail, barely anything at all. And then, someone said the thing that naturally makes me want to say s**u. They said "Anyway back to your question. Your s*x life is no one's business but your own" and so on. Ugh. You see, here's the thing these people don't realize... I honestly don't care about their opinion at all. It's shaming and it's incredibly rude. In life, I have been so trampled on by others, so taken advantage of, that my heart is running on empty. My cup is empty, and I'm definitely not filling theirs.

I've heard it said today that the reason people are so offended by the mentionings of s*x is they don't want acknowledge their own animalistic nature. I've also heard it talked about how people lose their humanity. But I say that people who don't acknowledge that part of themselves, that part of them that actually isn't as disgusting as they believe, have lost it. They have lost their humanity.