Messing With Telemarketers

My phone is on thousands of telemarketer lists. Getting mad didn't solve anything, but getting even was entertaining. New Content Posted Every Tuesday!

How it all began:

So once upon a time...

I had a night job. It wasn't a bad night job really and it led to the amazingly awesome job I currently have... but it was a night job. Night jobs, no matter if you like them or not, suck. Your schedule is different then everyone else's. You have to try and sleep while a burning orb of gas insists on lighting up the world. You end up watching really bad T

V at really odd times because you can't go to sleep as it will mess up your sleep cycle. Worst of all though, is you get phone calls in the middle of the day while you are trying to sleep. My night job was one where I had to be on call at all times day or night so I couldn't just turn my phone off. That was the reason behind... the prank. I still to this day have no idea who committed the prank. I assume this is because it spiraled out of control and if I ever did find out who had committed this act I would end their life in a rather drawn out and painful way probably involving a 2x4, a nine iron, 1.4 million thumb tacks, and a hedgehog. What could make me hate someone this much? Well someone thought it would be funny to sign me up for every "Go back to school!" college recruiting form they could find. I assume they stopped at around 100 of these things. Well they sold my information to 2 companies, and they sold it to 2 companies, and so on, and so on. I started getting between 50-100 phone calls a day. I put my number on the do not call list. Still got the calls. I told them to put me on their do not call list. Still get calls. I yelled, I screams, I begged, I pleaded... all to no avail. Finally I lost it, and just started screwing with them to see how far I could get. The answer sometimes was actually quite far. Through a combination of language barriers and indifference on their part, I began making my friends and family laugh when they called. I posted new ones from time to time on Facebook. Now finally I am collecting them here in one place. I hope you enjoy them. NOTE: Have fun and let us know about your telemarketer experiences. If you are trying to promote or sell anything, PLEASE talk to us before posting about it. Also, we do not give permission for anyone to use this material without our consent.

05/20/2026

Messing with Telemarketers: Lack of Usable Features

*Ring*

ME: Hello?

THEM: Hello, sir. How are you today?

ME: I’m ok… What can I do for you?

THEM: That’s great to hear, sir! My name is Frank, and I am calling from [a medical alert bracelet service]. I understand that you or someone in your family is over the age of 65, is that correct?

ME: By sheer statistical probability that is likely to be true of anyone you call isn’t it?

THEM: Uh…

ME: Your script requires a yes to move forward in the flow chart doesn’t it?

THEM: I… Um…

ME: Fine… YES! Someone in the family or I am over the age of 65.

THEM: Excellent sir! I want to tell you about our medical alert bracelet services that would be a significant benefit to you or your loved ones that have ever fallen and been unable to get up again.

ME: That has happened to me on multiple occasions.

THEM: Oh, I am very sorry to hear that sir.

ME: Tequila or whiskey is normally the primary cause, so it isn’t a lasting condition.

THEM: But you personally can see the benefits of having someone standing by 24 hours a day 7 days a week to summon help for you when you are incapacitated?

ME: Now that you mention it, I could. You may have yourself a new target market here! How does it work?

THEM: Very good, sir! We offer two systems for your needs, but first I need to ask you a question. Do you currently have a land line telephone?

ME: What is this 1972? Of course I don’t have a land line!

THEM: No problem sir! The cellular version of our system works with all major carriers to provide you with service anywhere there is a cell phone signal. The waterproof pendant monitor can even send your GPS coordinates to emergency services no matter where you are!

ME: Ok…

THEM: Yes, sir! So if you ever become disorientated and confused and don’t know where you are, our friendly technicians can help you get home or to the help you need!

ME: Does it work outside the U.S.? Because usually when I become disoriented and confused and don’t know where I am, it is after a bender in Tijuana…

THEM: Oh… No, sir. Due to the different emergency services systems throughout the world our system only works in the United States. For example, here in the US we have 911 and in Europe they have 112.

ME: So I can get disoriented and confused as long as I don’t go any further out than Guam?

THEM: No, sir. Only in the United States, I said.

ME: The Continental US? Just the States and not the Territories?

THEM: No sir, it works in all of the United States (including Alaska and Hawaii) and in all US Territories.

ME: Guam IS a US… Never mind. This system sounds good. How long do the batteries work on it?

THEM: Sir, when your unit arrives, you must charge it for only one hour. After that you press the button, per the instructions, and test the device. After that, it only needs charging once every two months!

ME: *In a whisper* What… What happens if I press the button in a manner not per the instructions?

THEM: Sir?

ME: If I press it without using the instructions, does it self-destruct?!

THEM: No, no sir. It will be fine…

ME: Can I pay extra for that feature?

THEM: Sir?

ME: My brother likes to press buttons like they are going out of style, for no particular reason. If I can get a self-destruct feature that will blow off one of his fingers, I would gladly pay extra!

THEM: Sir, we do not offer…

ME: *Interrupting* I don’t care what you do offer! I want an explode-y button one!!!

THEM: …

*Click*

05/19/2026

For those of you wanting Dr. Who content I provide the following:

Messing with Telemarketers: Please Leave a Message-

*Ring*

Me: Hello?

*A few seconds of silence*

Me: Hello?

*A short series of clicks*

Recorded Voice with a thick Indian Accent: You have reached the desk of Ronald Webster with [A Collection Company]. Please leave a message and your phone number after the tone.

Me: Huh, that’s strange.

*Hangs up*

*Redials number*

Them: Hello this is David with [A Collection Company]. Can I please speak to William Hartnell please?

Me: There is no one here by that name.

Them: Ok, can you please give me the number you are calling from?

Me: (972) 897-6201

Them: And your name?

Me: Haven Riney

Them: No that is not correct.

Me: My name isn’t Haven Riney?

Them: No sir. I show it as William Hartnell.

Me: Strange… I’ve been Haven Riney since the late 1970’s.

Them: Perhaps he was the previous owner of the phone?

Me: I’ve had this same number for over a decade. Wait… wasn’t William Hartnell the guy that played the first doctor?

Them: So, you do know Mr. Hartnell!

Me: No, I’m saying I think I know his work. I also think he died before I was born.

Them: Let me connect you to his account manager Ronald and you can work through this with him.

Me: There isn’t anything to work through. You are looking for a Time Lord who died before I was born. Just put my number on your do not call list please.

Them: Ronald can help you further. Please hold.

Me: Why can’t you just… *click* dammit…

*30 seconds later*

Recorded voice: You have reached the desk of Ronald Webster with [A Collection Company]. Please leave a message and your phone number after the tone.

Me: Hello Ronald. This is Haven Riney at (972) 897-6201. You are calling looking for someone that doesn’t own this phone or live at this address.
Please remove me from your lists. Thank you.

*click*

20 Minutes Later:

*Ring*

Me: Hello?

*A few seconds of silence*

Me: Hello?

*A short series of clicks*

Recorded Voice with a thick Indian Accent: You have reached the desk of Ronald Webster with [A Collection Company]. Please leave a message and your phone number after the tone.

Me: Not again… Ronald… Haven Riney… Mr. Hartnell still doesn’t live here. Please remove my number from your list.

*click*

25 Minutes Later

*Ring*

Me: Hello?

*A few seconds of silence*

Me: Ronald? Are you stalking me?

*A short series of clicks*

Recorded Voice with a thick Indian Accent: You have reached the desk of Ronald Webster with [A Collection Company]. Please leave a message and your phone number after the tone.

Me: Ronald… Mr. Hartnell regenerated into Patrick Troughton after defeating the Cybermen at the Antarctic Station. I’d suggest you reach Mr. Troughton, but he regenerated into Jon Pertwee after some issues with the Time Lords. Mr. Pertwee is similarly unavailable due to a bite from a poison spider turned him into Tom Baker. I suggest attempting to contact Mr. Baker.

*click*

15 Minutes Later

*Ring*

Me: Hello?

*A few seconds of silence*

Me: Ronald? Do I need a restraining order?

*A short series of clicks*

Recorded Voice with a thick Indian Accent: You have reached the desk of Ronald Webster with [A Collection Company]. Please leave a message and your phone number after the tone.

Me (singing): I always feel like somebody’s watching me! And I have no privacy! Whoa! I always feel like somebody’s watching me! Tell me is it just a dream?

*click*

30 Minutes Later

*Ring*

Me: Hello?

*A few seconds of silence*

Me: SAY CLICK AGAIN!!! SAY CLICK ONE MORE TIME!!! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DARE YOU!!!

*A short series of clicks*

Recorded Voice with a thick Indian Accent: You have reached the desk of
Ronald Webster with [A Collection Company]. Please leave a message
and your phone number after the tone.

Me: There’s this passage I have memorized Ronald. Ezekiel 25:17… The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.

I been saying that s**t for years. And if you heard it, that meant your ass Ron. I never gave much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was some cold-blooded s**t to say to a mo********er before I popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some s**t this morning made me think twice. See, now I'm thinking, maybe it means you're the evil man, and I'm the righteous man, and Mr. 9-millimeter here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could mean you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that. But that s**t ain't the truth. The truth is, you're the weak, and I am the tyranny of evil men. But I'm trying, Ronald... I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd.

*click*

2 Hours Later

*Ring*

Me: Hello?

Ronald: Hello? Mr. Haven?

Me: Ronald?

Ronald: Yes Mr. Haven. I have your number by mistake. Please stop leaving me messages, ok?

Me: Ron, I don’t call you. You guys call me, and I get your voicemail as soon as I pick up.

Ronald: I fix this right now. No more messages please, ok?

Me: As long as you don’t call me, I won’t continue to mess with you.

Ronald: Yes, sir. Will be fixed presently.

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