Beauty In The Breakdown

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“The aftermath of Childhood”
03/06/21

“Farmhouse”

The farm I’ve always envisioned
Well it would have sheep
I simply adore sheep
And when I say sheep I mean all sheep
The scruffy sheep
The trimmed sheep
The black sheep...
Scruffy and out of shape, lost their way from the herd,
Trimmed and uptight, with an ego bigger than a jocks,
Black and abandoned, guarded in a Shield of defense mechanisms,
Yes, I simply adore all sheep.
Your sheep, his sheep , the sheep.
Yet, my roots run deeper with the black sheep rather than the other 2,
Yes, it’s true,
It is because I am one of them;
I am the forgotten,
The rejected,
The angry
The black sheep,
The one who fell in to deep,
The one who no one wanted to keep,
I am a forgotten,
Yes, an apple that was rotten,
Yet, the seeds still ripe
As if it was never the rotten type.

11/17/20 @ 4:10 A.M

My heart is aching,
For this sight is breathtaking,
My thoughts start racing due to this anxiety,
My next generation are falling victim to this society,
Yes, it’s terrible & true,
For their parents felt broken & withdrew,
Empty eyes,
Ugly lies,
Everything’s fine they say,
I’m just waiting for Friday,
Yet that day comes & their eyes still show no life,
They live day to day hour to hour with continuous strife,
They’re eyes glued onto the phone,
And when interrupted something else is thrown,
Hate, anger, fear,
The kids do not look surprised as they release yet another tear...

June 26th, 2020

“Thoughts”

Do you enjoy your thoughts?
Do you sit with those thoughts?
Do you allow those thoughts to come and go?
Do you try to force those thoughts to go or stay?
Do you know the origins of those thoughts?
Are those your thoughts?
A ball of messy, colorful yarn,
That’s what my thoughts tend to be,
Starting off as a translucent material,
Transitioning into different shades of pink, yellow, red, green & blue,
Weaving into deeper darker colors that my mind has yet to comprehend,
A big ball of messy, colorful yarn,
Where did this ball come from?
Where do I put it?
Do I simply acknowledge it is there & allow it to roll away,
Do I let go of my attachment to it?
Do I take time to untangle it?
So I constantly try to trace back every entangled thread to discover it’s origin?
Well . . .
No? Yes? Yes? No?
If it isn’t obvious should I not spend to much time on it?
I don’t know & it doesn’t matter right now ; so carry on.

06/26/20

Dear Creator,
I surrender my fear that lives in tomorrow,
I surrender my need to control today,
I surrender the burden of yesterday,
I surrender.
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03/30/20

“The Fear & the Tear”
mommy, why are you crying?
Is it because Daddy is always lying?
Is it because Daddy is never home?
Out somewhere with a dancer named Rome,
& when he comes back home he don’t got no lovin left for you,
Tell me, is what I say true,
mommy why are you crying?
Is it because Daddy stopped trying?
Is it because he spits venom in every word,
Just so he can be heard,
I knew Daddy wasn’t a nice man,
The day I watched him chase you down in your car while you ran,
I’d never seen you run so fast,
That memory is embedded into my brain forever it will last,
mommy why are you crying?
Is it because you always feel like dying?
I remember the night you almost killed yourself,
Sissy and I talked you into putting that knife back on the shelf,
Our house turns into a zoo,
When Daddy starts to hit you,
I remember when you would escape his angry fists & run and hide in my room,
Along with your muffled tears came an utter sense of gloom,
Oh, how I wish I could have rescued you,
& have you the love that was past due,
I wonder why Daddy is so mean to you,
But I think only Jehovah knew,
mommy why are you crying?
Is it because you wish you were with the angels flying?

11-6-19

A boy came and sat under my tree,
Then the last leaf fell onto the dirt,
The boy never came back.

“Here I Am”
I feel like I can take my hair down,
Allow my guard to sink to our feet,
Allow you to give me your Love,
Allow myself to give you my Love,
I feel my throat closing,
I am scared,
I am a broken little girl,
I am afraid one day you will leave too,
Why would you want to stick around?
Why would you see me as lovable if I’m not lovable?
All the words I won’t say,
All the words I can’t say,
All the words I don’t know how to say,
Will you love me?
Will you teach me?
I feel my body lighting up,
In places filled with dust & webs,
When images of you swirl in my head,
How do I surrender?
How do I trust?
How do I love?
How do I Trust the Flow of the Universe?
How do I surrender to the Flow of Love?

6/22/20 ☸️💚