Ronin Ministries

Stop Pretending!

Boys,

I have a lot of friends or children of friends who are facing serious struggles with mental health. Some are going to psychological hospitals. Some men are spending entire nights drinking a bottle of whiskey and downing it with painkillers.

You may ask what does this have to do with you. It's a valid question. I grew up in a culture where you don't cry or get emotional. Grandpa and my uncles didn't do it, or at least not that I ever saw. As you know, I battled with mental health when I was younger. I also spend weeks in a hospital because I struggle with it. Honestly, that made me put up more enormous walls, except those around your grandma and grandpa.

Please don't grow up to be like me. For far too many years, I said, "I'm good" or "I'm fine" when I clearly wasn't. We put up a good front, but deep down, we are stressed about work or a business deal gone wrong. Maybe it's physical health, psychological issues, family matters, or any number of things that are out of control.

You boys are all young and full of life, but one day, someone will need to know your struggles to see hope. One day, you will have kids of your own, and since Bug is around, at minimum, you will be uncles.

Some of you have kids of your own now. Do you want to know the most challenging part of being a parent? It's when your kid comes home and has to deal with bullies. Or they come home slamming doors, upset or angry, but you don't know why.

Let me ask you this: If you need to model healthy outlets, who will show them? As men, we put too much pressure on ourselves to be strong, confident, and blond. If we, as men, aren't willing to show it, how do you expect them to know how to?

By now, you have heard me discuss how I call a few guys every day just to see how they are doing. At first, it was awkward, but eventually, most warm up to the idea—but only if we present it correctly. Let me explain.

Me: Hey man, I just wanted to see how you are doing.

Them: Good, and you?

Now, right there is a decision. Do you say "Good" and the conversation? Or do we say, "It's been a rough week? Explain your struggles for the week. This isn't a sympathy or victimhood Olympics. But you were just being honest enough to discuss our struggles. They will only open up after you do.

Now, here is the part I want to talk to you about. I have had to sit through therapy sessions for some of you boys. To be honest, those were the hardest things I ever had to do. They were also my weakest. You probably thought my weakest would be if I blew up or cried.

For people like me, eventually, we get to a point where we just shut off the emotional "switch." We don't talk about or want to discuss it; we just want those feelings to go away. So when you see people like me who should be emotional but instead have an emotionless expression and no longer make eye contact, you know we flipped the switch.

Let me leave you with a couple of thoughts. We live in a world with relationships, expectations, struggles, and sometimes disappointments. It happens to us all; there is no need to hide from it or run from it any longer. Trust me, every man or teen I have met has had those feelings. So, I promise you are not the only ones in this world with them.

Next, if you don't process those struggles, they will consume you. Surround yourself with Godly men who will encourage you in your times of need. The Lord can redeem it all, but he needs us to process what is going on before he will use us.

Final thought: you all know I am about generational changes, struggles, blessings, and curses. I would encourage each of you to be strong men of God. Strong enough that you can be open enough to inspire others, letting them know they are not alone. This isn't a perfect world, so why are we trying to pretend it is? The world needs more Godly men of strength. That doesn't mean being Capt. Emotionless or the TED talk motivational speech. It's about humble men and women who say, "Here is my story; use it for whatever you will, Lord." The Lord didn't have you go down the path you have for it to be wasted and hidden. Behind the wall, you have built up.

With Love,
Jonathan

Running from the thing that's to save us.
(Boys please read)

Boys,

It has been a busy few weeks. Actually, it's been a crazy couple of months. I feel like I have barely been keeping my head above water lately. With schooling, church, work, family, and helping some men at the shelter get on their feet I am exhausted. I feel every bit of it of 76 and my age of 46

I am going to try to keep this from being "preachy", but I make no promises. I just want it to be a conversation with your father. Funny, how that just made me think of Grandpa. Anytime he had some wisdom to drop on me or your uncle he would always say "Son, now listen to your father." I would give anything to hear that again, but man did I hate it at the time. Mainly, mainly because I was about to get schooled in some form or fashion. Typically some life advice and how I was a being a knucklehead. It would suck even more when he did it in front of your mother. I must be nostalgic after going to a funeral to support a friend today.

The good thing about being busy lately is I have seen some fruits of the interactions I wasn't expecting. In my conversations, I have seen a bit of a trend I would caution you boys with, but I am struggling to put my thoughts into words. Let's just go with this. Sometimes it seems to me as men we run from the thing that's there to save us.

I can think of men in all walks of life running and hiding from something. It's in the men at church and men outside of church. It doesn't matter if it's a man at the shelter or the businessman who wears a suit every day. So no matter where you find yourself this could be you.

I wish I had some profound insight into why it happens, but I don't. Maybe it's because we are stubborn or the fact as men we think we need to be the hero in our own story. No man wants another man to come and save them, much less a woman, child, or member of the clergy. It's our job to provide for and solve problems if we can't do it we feel lesser because we cant

Let's look at Bug and you becoming a single dad. I am pretty sure you and I both were about to p**p ourselves over that one. The responsibility. The pressure on you to step up at such an early age and the pressure I felt homing I raised you to be the man you are now becoming. Now looking back on it I wouldn't trade that for the world. Obviously, because I love Bug, but also because I don't think you would be the man you and your brother are today if it wasn't for her. Our family is stronger and tighter as a result. Has it always been smooth? No, but candidly anyone who claims their marriage or fatherhood has been all sunshine and daisies is either lying or still running from it.

I know for a fact I ran and hid from your grandparents, both of whom loved me even when I was hospitalized for depression and self-harm risk. In that whole place, they loved me the most yet for some reason I chose to shut down. But who were the ones who then waited with open arms when I was discharged? It was them. Fun fact at that time I was so averse to confrontations I couldn't even watch the comedy Rosanne. Again nostalgia moment one of my fondest moments of your grandpa was when I knew full well hated the board game "Life" but for a solid 2 weeks, he would play that game with me. Totally lame I know, but sometimes it's the littlest things that have the biggest impact. The parents I was running from were the same ones who sat and played a stupid board game just to spend time as a family with me.

I couldn't tell you how many times I have infuriated your mother because I would feel down and out for whatever reason. Instead of embracing her, I would "go for a drive" Why? probably because I didnt want to look her in the eyes and deal with whatever I was going through. Looking at her face when I was struggling was something I would run and hide from. No man wants to look at his wife when we are at our lowest. We feel pathetic and weak. But even then she was my saving grace. She would always be there waiting for me to come home after I took a lap or two around the 270 circle. She might be hotter than a hornet when I got back and rightfully so, but through the night she would either give me a hug in bed and if I was on the couch she would come get me and ask if I was going to bed.

I have even been that way with the Lord. For years I ignored his call along the way. I had no excuses. I knew who the Lord was and I still do. A lot of people would use the excuse that they didnt "Know" the Lord was real. That wasn't the case for me I have always known. I may have been angry at him or felt distant from him, but deep down I have always known. If I don't make it to heaven I would never be able to use the excuse I didnt hear, know, or understand God.

The question then became why would I run from the Lord. Was it because of shame? At times. Was it that I felt he was an unjust God and I didnt understand his justice? At times. Was it because I was ashamed of him? No, I was never ashamed of my faith.

Maybe it was because in Sunday school classes we hear of all these great and mighty men of God who achieved all these wonderous things for the Lord. I never felt like the David who took down Goliath with a sling. I felt like David quivering in a corner of a cave.

I sit here as I write this and wonder. At some point does each beleiver have a moment they run from or avoid the Lord or is that just me? Not sure why I feel so compelled to tell you this. Maybe it's in case one of you ever feels you are in such a place.

I have spoken to many men over the past couple of weeks. Either they are running or they know someone who is running from the Lord. Running from the same one who is trying to save them. Sometimes it's discouraging to see the ones we love struggle, but don't lose faith.

I am not an overly wise man, but I do know this when I was at my lowest and I was running from Grandma and Grandpa they were the ones who picked me up. When I ran from your mother when I was at my lowest she was the one who picked me up. When I was the most distant from the Lord he softened my heart and called me home.

I will simply leave this final thought. Be mindful of the ones you find yourself running from. They may be the same ones the Lord sent to save.

And yes I totally lied and became preachy, but it wasn't my intent when I sat down. It just came out that way.

With Love,
Dad

New blog is up at Roninministries.com

A letter discussing how to take criticism. The constructive, the toxic and how both can be fruitful as a leader.

New blog is up at Roninministries.com!

It's a letter about doing some self-reflection, as we step out into the world as the Lord has called us to do.

Topic: You claimed of Healing. Now what?

Boys,

I got a number of messages from people after they heard about your seizure. Most were words of prayer or encouragement, but there was one that stuck out more than the rest. It was from a friend of mine and like most of my friends his bed side manner might not be the greatest and on the bluntness scale he makes a hammer seem sharp, but what I appreciate is his words always come from a sincere place. Here was his question/comment.

"You just stood at a podium in people at church you claimed "Healing" over your son. Now what? Do you wish you took it back?"

Like I said he can be blunt and bedside manner isn't a strength of his, but he is authentic. He is still young in his faith so I get questions like these often from him. They aren't meant to be callus as they sound sometimes, but its out of genuine curiosity.

I actually found the question to be very practical and one your boys may ask during such times So I figured I would answer for you boys.

First lets tackle the big question a couple referenced in a round about way in conversations. I claimed "healing" over him, but now this happens. I would also say to stop using past tense. By saying I claimed healing, it implies I don't still claim it. Do I regret saying it before the church? Not at all. If I was to go back I would claim the exact same thing. If anything I would double down on it. If I was standing Infront of those same people today I would claim it. If I stand before them again I would still claim it.

You may ask how does that work, or as one friend asked "What does that look like now for you?" Again an honest question its asked a lot in our groups. Its basically asking how do we process the issues before us.

First I claimed healing because there was healing. If you asked me months ago would I have accepted these months of of healing I would have gladly accepted it with resounding joy. So what does that mean today.

So what does that look like today when there is a set back. reality is it changes nothing. I am at a point in my life where I have come to terms with the fact I don't get to control everything. Does my faith waiver? Not so much my faith, but I do ask why sometimes. Sometimes I lack understanding, but not faith. I have full confidence in the Lord to be faithful. That doesn't mean there wont be set backs or struggles. With as much confidence as I have that will always be by your sides. I am even more confident the Lord will be by our side through whatever hurdles may come.

There are two ways one can go when crisis strikes. It is either to the Lord or away from the Lord. Let this hurdle be a reminder we turn to and not away when crisis strikes.

With Love,
Dad

Biblical Manhood #1

Boys,

I was asked today by a young man I am helping mentor, "What does Godly Biblical Manhood look like to you?" That's a pretty loaded question and is far deeper of a question than I can answer in one letter. So I will write a series of letters that help dive into this topic in depth. I figure if it is a question this young man would ask then maybe you can benefit from it someday as well.

I intentionally try to not always be hammering you with the Bible verses. I think a lot of the Lords wisdom can be given without quoting scripture. That knowledge is timeless and crosses many peoples daily life, but for this series I am going back to basics and bring scripture to each letter again. If you're going to be a biblical man you must back it up with scriptures.

If its biblical manhood you seek then you will first need to seek the Lord. It is my understanding that we all have a general revelation put up on hearts, but not all truly seek Him. If you want to become a Godly man you must follow on those urges to seek him. You can't be a Godly man without God.

Jeremiah 29:13
"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."

I have found over the years that to those who truly have an open heart and truly seek the Lord he will present himself to them. Where some have trouble is they claim to seek, but they want to find God on their terms. It's not with an open heart. God will only reveal himself to those who seek with open hearts and a longing to be with him.

You may be wondering what the difference is? The difference is our posture we take in our search. We can either search for the Lord as he is or search for a Lord who fits how we want him to be. One leads to the Lord of lords. The other will lead to false gods or a manipulated version of the lord who fits with out wants.

I would challenge you to think on these questions before you start down your walk of faith with Biblical Manhood.

Are you seeking the Lord with an open heart?

Are you seeking God for who He is or who you are?

Are you willing to lay it all down before Him?

Are you willing to change to fit who God is?

I am not an alter call guy. I find them to give a false since of security, but since this will be beginning of a series that will build upon itself I would ask you to say one prayer as you lay down to sleep tonight. its not a prayer of repentance as many would have you pray. I would ask you simply pray for understanding.

Lord,

I am lost and searching for guidance. Please make yourself known to me. Help guide my path I have lost my way. Show me who you are and who I am to become. Amen!

Make that prayer your own. Us your own words and don't complicate it. Just simply present yourself before the Lord as one who is seeking his way.

There are many things of the Lord I don't understand, but what I do know is he is a faithful God. For those who seek He will make Himself known. Will your world change overnight? For some it does for others it's a journey. If your path is short or long means little to me. What you need to know is that he will guide you?

I won't lie and I don't want to set you up with false expectations. The path can be bumpy, there are hurdles we all face along the way. Temptations will come and temptations go. You will face challenges just know that no matter how big the storm the Lord can calm the waters.

I will leave one last word of encouragement. There are no challenges you must face alone. While the Lord will be with you, he will put Godly men in your life to help you along your way. My final word for the day is know that the Lord is faithful, as long as you search with an open heart he will guide you.

With Love,
Dad

Real Men Are First SERVANTS

Boys,

I was at a job site today. It was a homeless shelter, its not ane area I did well in. Personally I would rather work in a prison than a shelter. Mainly because the shelter spaces are harder for me emotionally. Seeing so many there struggling is hard for me to see. At first I had trouble seeing the children, but then I see parents of those kids. There was a hopelessness in some of there faces I am not sure I will be able to shake.

But I did find some bright spots a lady bowing her head in appreciation for another kindness. The kids bouncing a ball around with a smile that lit up the room. But there was one bright spot I want to share with you today. There was one man there who I don't know if he worked there or if he was staying there, but his attitude naturally had others drawn to him. He was engaging everyone. it seemed like every time I turned the corner I could see him off in the distance. helping someone.

As we got closer to him and was finally able to speak to him I said "it's great what you are doing for these people." His simple reply was "Its what we do." There was no arrogance in his tone. It was simply a statement of fact and I had no reason to not believe him. you could see those people he interacted with smile a little more and have more energy. There was one particular moment that stuck out. He was casually walking down the hallway and he saw a mess on the floor. upon seeing it he went to go get cleaning supplies. When he returned one of the men who had previously been laying on a mattress in the hallway stood up and told the other man he would get it. He grabbed the supplies and went to clean up the mess and then told him to check on another family,

I was reminded of a topic we discussed in Wesley Group last night. That topic was Leadership. I find that most natural Leaders don't even know they are leaders because they don't see it in themselves. We go to a large church so when people think of church leaders they think of those leading hundreds or thousands.

But a church our size would never be as healthy as it is without the leaders of the smaller groups. It's the "micro leaders" that make up the church. They feed off each others and make each other better. it's the micro leaders that plug in the gaps between strengths and weaknesses. One line really stuck out to me from Sunday service "Spiritual Leaders are never alone. They build teams." Which is a very good thing because I had to lead worship we would singing "This little light of mine!" and "Father Abraham" on repeat for the next the next twenty years if I had to do that memory.

Ok back on topic. Here is what I found watching that gentleman as their shelter. It's that "real" men are created to be servants at our core. Think about it every trait that gives us purpose with a servants nature. Let look at the characteristics that make up a man, protect, provide, educate, lifting others up. All of which at its core is initiated by a servants heart.

Servants are leaders without even knowing it. People gravitate to them. Their servant heart makes them perfect as leaders. It's easy to follow a selfless leader. People often think of those with a servants heart to be followers, but I strongly disagree. Servants by nature are doers. Servant leaders initiate action. They don't simply stand idly by when there are things to be done.

I have been through dozens of leadership training and there is always comes up. Don't ask others to do what you have shown unwillingness to do. I won't lie there have been times I have done out of self guilt. I would see a buddy doing something that needed done. I would be sitting there with no willingness or desire to do the would, but I would find myself mumbling under my breath "You son of a gun" as I got up from my chair to complete a task. Why would I do it? It's will because of equal parts internal shame for being lazy and not letting someone I respect to do it win their own.

I will leave you with this real men are servants of God. They then live a life with a servants heart. Ignore of the drama lately about gender roles and toxic masculinity. are called to be servants of the Lord, then leads to a servants heart we are to carry ourselves with.

Look at the true leaders you admire in our lives they will to a man have a servants heart. I am not talking about position or rank, but the man themselves. There is difference between a rank or position and a leader. Look at the political landscape I respect the office of President, but I think the President himself is a clown. Let's contrast that to the man at the shelter. I would be far more willing to sit down and have a dinner with him than I would the President.

One day you boys may grow into being leaders either organically or by promotions. I would just caution you to not forget who we are and what we stand for.

With Love,
Dad

Topic: Keep your head up.

Boys,

Today when when I left the store a homeless man was asking for money. I didn't have any cash on me or I would have given him some. Instead I gave him a sleeve of Oreos I bought on the way out of home depot. And before you start, yes I know I'm not to be eating them, but that's not the important part of the story.

I talked to the guy and his buddy. They offer me one of the Oreos. He probably could see the disappointment on my face when I gave them away. They seemed like good dudes, but it's hard to know anyone's story based on a 5-minute conversation.

As I walked away I told them to keep their "heads up" after I prayed with them. Yeah, I prayed with them, weird, I know, that's your mom's thing. And yes I could feel your mother shaming me if I didn't pray. I also said "I will keep you in my prayers" and they said "We could use them. Between feeling your mom's prayer shaming me and my promise that I would pray in the moment if I thought they needed prayer, instead of waiting until evening prayers.

Why bring that? Because there my Shrek-looking butt putting hands on the shoulders of two random black homeless dudes had to be hilarious site. That and to tell you it was backward as can be. Your mom. Has a gift that I do not. I felt ridiculous. I felt like I was back on a middle school mission trip praying for the first time out loud in a crowd.

The first guy said, "That's easy for you to say." His tone indicated as if I said it as a dismissive slight against him. I couldn't argue his logic, I won't lie and make it sound like I have a bad life, because we don't. But the 2nd guy said "See I told you so. Listen to the man."

I often tell you, boys, to keep your head up. And it is typically in moments of struggle. It can be in sports, relationships, work, or other life advice. It's never meant to minimize what you're going through. It's because in the grand scheme of things, it's a temporary issue and it will pass.

I have seen the poorest become rich and the rich become poor. I have seen the sick become healthy and the healthy become sick. I have seen happily married men get depressed and divorced and the divorced man finds joy in another marriage.

So when I tell you to keep your head it's because when you do you see the world differently. It's easy to get lost in a rut. It's easy to believe lies being told to you. It's easy to get stuck in the not feeling good enough rut. If you keep your head down you never find your way out.

So when I say keep your head up. It's not to minimize what you're going through. It's to remind you to look to the future and not get stuck on your past. I am also not claiming it's east. It takes strength sometimes. It takes effort but it's worth it. Sometimes your trial will lead to greater things.

Love,
Dad