A. Lynn

Story breaking something new always brings me joy. And it's so much easier now that I fully understand how it should be done.

Years ago, this process was something I called "mapping" when it came to novels or "story boarding" when I did it for my web comic. "Mapping" could take anywhere from a few months to a few years depending on the project, while "story boarding" took me a week or two depending on the arc/season. Because this was what I was used to, my first story break for a screenplay took me nearly a month, resembled more of a "map", and lead to a feature that fell flat emotionally because all of my beats were off.

Studying scripts, following screenwriters, and eating up as much free information as I could find helped a bit. Translating scripts for others which allowed me to disect things further helped a bit more. So, by my fifth script, I had a slightly better idea of how things were meant to flow, yet it wasn't until I took my first class online that I actually learned what storybreaking was. Things started to click after that. I could see in the scripts I studied, helped translate, and continuity checked where the act breaks were, how the beats fell, and from there I was able to start adjusting my own scripts to be better.

Problem was, what I'd been taught only worked in theory. None of it was wrong, per se, it was more that it wasn't how a professional would do it. And while to many that might not matter, to me, it mattered. If what I was doing wasn't the way I'd be doing it in a real writer's room, which was the goal, what was the point? Learning from actual staff writers and show runners has not only made me a stronger story breaker, but a stronger, more confident writer.

Working on this new project after stepping away from something that wasn't serving me feels not only refreshing, but healing. And while I don't know where it'll go or what will come of it, I'm just grateful for the ability to continue expanding my portfolio until the next opportunity comes along.

This moment? This is why I work so hard. And why I always will.

The past few weeks have been none stop go, go, go. From traveling eighteen hundred miles, thirty-six hundred round trip, with massive delays last weekend, to playing catch-up this week between sporting events and having someone I've started to think of as a friend with far more experience and talent in the writing world talk me off the ledge, to so many incredible lectures, courses, and info-dumps surrounding hours of writing and note taking while cleaning, scheduling hospital trips, follow-ups, year-end IEP and 504 meetings, and more. The amount of caffeine I have consumed has likely been dangerous, the lack of sleep borderline insomnia, and the rage in which I destroyed my combination dry erase, corkboard story break web for that one project? Well, that was just catharsis.

But this moment? This hug my sister so beautifully captured this past weekend at the Illinois Special Olympics Regionals? This is now a core memory.

My daughter doesn't hug. She'll hold hands, sure. But hugging isn't big on her radar. She's not very touch based because of her autism and I have accepted that. We've found other ways to show and share affection that fit into her wheelhouse and meet her comfort levels because that is more important that forcing a hug on her. Still, there have been moments where all I have wanted is to wrap her up and just hold her; particularly when life has gone side ways and I just want to know she's okay. Sometimes she'll offer but I can see the discomfort on her face so I'll tell her it's okay. Or if I really could use that little side hug? I'll accept what I can get and tell her how much I appreciate it. This though? This moment when I told her how proud she should be of herself when she came in an incredibly close third, how proud I was of her? I wasn't expecting a full hug. Even now, I'm having a hard time not crying.

We don't always get to choose the way our lives work out. It is up to us how we respond to it though. Life may never be the way I envisioned, there may always be parts I wish were different, both for myself and for my children. Moments like this, however, are perfect in their imperfections and I will forever hold onto them as my reasons why the sleepless nights are worth it. If I can give them a better life, show them that continuing to show up for themselves is what matters most, then I have done my job. And hell, a few more hugs like this wouldn't hurt either.

Long day was long, yet so absolutely filling. Even if there were a few moments where I longed for a fire alarm to go off or the school to call with even the most minute of emergencies to free me from some of the inanity. This isn't me being ungrateful by any means, it's more... Acknowledging that sometimes, s**t gets frustrating and overwhelming even when it's the goal and we're chasing it down to the best of our abilities.

Back when I began acting in very early elementary school, the woman who ran the community theater program my mother put me in instilled the need to always remain humble in us. If you knew something, be it a technique, a skill, or just a way of doing things that could make the life of one of your fellow actors easier, you shared it. There was no concept of gatekeeping back then because a. we were kids and b. making sure we acted like a team just made things run smoother. If no one was out to throw someone under the bus for the sake of a "win", then there was less chance of stress because we all "won" on our own merit. It's why I have and continue to be a firm believer in the ideology of clapping for others until it's my turn, why I will always share what knowledge I have without feeling slighted if someone "wins" over me afterward. In my mind, when one of us wins, we all win because the road we're all traveling down just got that much smoother.

Not everyone thinks like this, though. I have had to accept that not only will there be those that are either hoping to stir up drama by commenting, repeatedly, on how someone has benefitted from something I've done or they just won't be receptive at all to what knowledge I have to share. Today was yet another reminder of this.

My writer's room has been divided over a creative concept for a few weeks now and it's caused a great deal of conflict. Conflict that has led to a lot of headbutting, delays, and just a really uncomfortable environment for me of late. Being who I am, however, I've tried pulling from the incredible teachings I have been getting from a small group of writers who have a rough combination of 45+ years as writers in the industry to offer suggestions and get us all back on track. It's been less than stellar. Some appreciate it, others just seem to tune me out even more. They all want their wins, and because they're so focused on them, they're forgetting the primary goal of what we're supposed to be doing to begin with: Write something good.

At the end of my day, I can't change their minds, all I can do is continue to write something good. It may not be this project and that's okay. If another thing goes into the graveyard, I'm alright with that. I'll keep showing up and writing other things. That's the test after all; whether or not I show up day after day or not to know if the goal is real or simply pending.

Even if this isn't a win for me in the long term, just having put myself out there was. And I'm going to give myself all the accolades for having done that; for continuing to show up and put in the work until the real win happens for me. It will. Just like it will for all of us who keep showing up and trying.

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Let's try this again, and hopefully with less "interesting" comments from Dudebros who took things a little sideways...

This is 37; loose skin, not so loose skin, scars, shape wear outline to keep it all together and all. Yesterday, I wore heels for the first time in years, watched my cousin get married to an incredible woman who completes him after attending yet another incredible lecture while drinking an overdose of coffee to stay awake from the 4 hours of sleep I got after a cluster of travel delays the evening before. And I did it while wrangling two kids who are simultaneously the best and worst dates I could have to something like this (they pick *terrible* drinks and never offer to handle the bill) and looking fine as hell because I am.

36 was a year of tears, of shedding what didn't serve me from every neuron of my soul to the very nooks and crannies of my external life. It was a year of letting go, accepting closed doors as lessons instead of missed opportunities or signs I wasn't good enough, and digging deep. I took more risks, was vulnerable in ways that terrified me, grew not only my portfolio with more writing samples that better showcase just where my strengths are, but grew my support circle, and now? Now there's only forward.

So, here's to 37. Here's to bigger, better spec pilots and scripts. To more solo dates with myself in my city as I take notes on the courses that are helping carve a name for myself in this industry by making me an even better storyteller. Perhaps most of all, here's to being a little bit delusional in believing that not only can I do this, but I will.

For all the tears I've cried, I raise a glass. There will be more of you, but I'll keep proving to myself that not only can I handle more than I thought, I will smile right back at those wishing for my downfall and toast their health. No matter what happens over the course of this next year, I'll keep showing up for myself and these babies I am blessed to have been gifted to raise, and proving all of the people who dared tell me and that I so wrongfully believed I couldn't succeed in this world that I'm not giving up. And I never will.

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This is fitting today, minus the final reminder. Well, mostly.

I had to get a bit, shall we say, assertive with one of my fellow writers today. And I can already hear the writers that follow me going "uh-oh, that's a no-no!" Yeah, well... Sometimes it's a necessity for the good of a project as well.

As writers, it is not our job to tell actors how to act, directors how to direct, intimacy choreographers how to choreograph, or music supervisors what songs to select. If it was? We'd likely be paid a hell of a lot more. Mostly because we'd be doing all of those jobs instead of just writing. And that's not to say some of us *can't* do those jobs and haven't. There are plenty of incredible writer/directors out there, several of which I (likely wrongfully) idolize. Some are even triple threats. Again, it's not entirely unheard of but so few do this well that it's not the norm and knowing your skillset and accepting your limitations is something we all need to come to terms with.

Today I had to push back against the previous writer of the pilot I was put in charge of on the indie project I'm working on. I get it. It's hard to relinquish control, even if it was by choice. I also understand that kneejerk reaction of "But those are *MY* words!" and wanting to see them stay. Here's the thing, scripts change. Constantly. What is written in a first draft may not make the final cut. Never fall in love with anything, except maybe the primary concept/main storyline. Which this individual has attempted to change several times, including today when they stated that things that have been solidified since day one no longer made sense to them... I don't know why this happened, if it was genuine confusion, sour grapes, or something else. We spent thirty minutes as a team walking through the main storyline from start to finish for both the pilot and the entire season though and only this team member claimed to no longer understand, calling it convoluted. I don't know what to do and it's not really my job to know what to do about that. It's just my job to write and that, I plan to do.

At this point, the script just needs to be written so we can *then* edit. We've done this once before with a different lead in mind, a different focus in place and production didn't like it. They acknowledged that the focus was off for the demographic they wanted the show for and that our original pitch was more inline with what they originally requested. Unfortunately, there's now a split in our team as a few still feel the previous script could have worked had we just shifted a few things around while the rest of us know it couldn't have. It was a show with a protagonist no one would have cared about. Their goal and wants weren't interesting enough, the stakes not high enough. This new set up creates a much more engaging dynamic with higher stakes and a more rewarding goal.

This morning has been a bit of a struggle, but I'm going to keep pushing forward. There's enough of the team at my back that agrees with what I'm doing, supporting where I'm taking things based off their notes, feedback, and more. Is this overwhelming? Absolutely. Will I do it anyway? Without a doubt.

Fresh cup of Irish Creme Cheesecake coffee made while I make the requested revisions to this pilot after the individual writing it as part of the learning process has decided to bow out of doing it. The more senior staff wanted someone else at my level to do it to gain experience and since there's only three of us now, I stepped up when they were met with silence.

Is this a typical thing you'll see in writers rooms? Absolutely not. At least not at the level I'm at. Normally, I'd be lucky to pitch an idea once a week. This is the level where I am a writer in title who *might* have an idea that the senior staff likes and chooses to run with for a beat that helps build an episode or a portion of a character arch, but ultimately I'm a glorified PA to the senior team. It's all about paying your dues and those dues, depending on the team you get brought onto, can be long and tedious but well worth it. Especially if you know how to listen to learn. Something I both did and simultaneously failed to do in my first writer's room.

Because this setting is so different and relaxed, the bonus to working on an indie project for a smaller production company it seems, I not only get more hands on experience, but the senior staff is more open to letting us sort of drive a bit more. Sometimes to our own detriment. It's been a bit like driver's ed in that regard and for most of it, I've been stuck in the backseat, bracing for impact when I see things spiraling out of control. Now that I'm sitting in the driver's seat, I'm wondering how many time's someone's going to have to stomp on the breaks to save me from crashing. At the same time, there's also this strange feeling of confidence as the page count drops, the scenes begin to make more sense, and the story we came up with and pitched takes a more clear shape on the pages...

I'm reminded that I don't just know what I'm doing, I'm comfortable doing it. And I'm comfortable doing it because of the people sitting in this car with me. The people who built the road maps I am using to audit this pilot. I just signed up for another lecture by the primary map maker that takes place this Saturday on the art of punching up. It's a lecture I've missed out on twice now and this time, with it being so close to my birthday (ugh Doomsday, how I have come to simultaneously love and loathe you!), I wasn't about to miss it again. If anyone can help me make the few bits of witty dialog hit harder? It's the incredible humans who have graciously shared so much of their lives with me so I have a slightly better chance at succeeding at this crazy redemption story of mine. Someday I'll bake them each a pie. Or cheesecake stuffed soft pretzels. Something.

Tonight will likely be a long night that pours into a long day of presenting everything I do tonight for approval and to make sure it's moving in the right direction. If everyone isn't on board with where and how I'm taking this, then one of the senior staff will take over. I'd be disappointed, obviously, but I'd also accept that it's just not my turn yet to have *that* much responsibility. It'll come. Until then, I'll continue writing my solo scripts and sharing them with my friends and getting their feedback. Like the silly little
"awards" we do. Of which, my script for Firefly Alley (A Romantic Suspense/Thriller, comps of 2013's Safe Haven and 2002's Enough) was voted in our silly little awards to be most likely to win an actual award. I doubt this, but the faith was nice regardless. Sometimes all you need is that little bit of faith to be the push you need to take a risk, or just believe in yourself.

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Life has been a beautiful rollercoaster of melancholic emotion recently. For every low that has felt like it couldn't get lower there has been a sudden climb that sends me zipping through the very best turns I never could have imagined being on. And to be honest, it's been the people I've met and been blessed to get to know on this wild ride that have made it all that it is.

Opening up and pulling more from my own life to share even more of myself in my writing has been simultaneously the most terrifying and healing aspect of this journey. I can remember the first time I opened up about one aspect of what I had endured and the way people responded. The support and love that poured out from strangers who had stood in my shoes while others, some I had known for years, turned away. The warm welcome I received from group therapy years ago was almost mirrored in the strange familiarity of warmth with the most recent welcomes in the writing challenges I have been partaking in. Acceptance of ourselves is difficult, sharing who we are and hoping we will still be accepted and not pitied, or worse, seen as vulnerable, incapable, or weak, is an entirely different beast.

My first experience in a writers room was not great, as many of you have read. I worked my ass off for a project I poured my soul into and honestly was ready to throw the towel in after that moment. Had it not been for several in this industry telling me this was somewhat normal (minus the "alleged" theft part), that being removed from writers rooms over trivial matters or denied access even when you should be there was more common than any of us wanted to discuss, I likely would have done so and either pivoted again or just returned to writing books. While that may not have been a bad thing, it wouldn't have been fulfilling. There wouldn't have been a challenge and I am not in the business of stagnating.

This most recent experience with the pilot I'm working on has been incredibly different and while not without it's hiccups and growing pains, I can say that the trust and room to explore and fail has been a gift. You cannot learn unless you are given the opportunity to try something new, even if that means failing. And to those who are trying to get their foots in doors, let me be the first to tell you if no one else has, you *will* fail. A LOT. You will make a stupid comment. A few of them... You will have a wrong answer. And that is okay. How you respond to being told that, though? That's the make or break you moment. You, typically, won't be fired for being wrong, or making a dumb comment. You *will*, however, get fired for arguing, for pushing back, or for just being a dick... Don't be a dick. It's really sort of simple.

There have been a lot of moments where I've had to bite my tongue in this process because, to some degree, I know more despite being very "green". And it's because I am soaking up as much wisdom from the people willing to gift me any little tidbits they can. Especially anything that can only be learned through years in writers rooms. Trying to teach others at my level that it's not our jobs as writers to tell actors how to act or directors how to direct is often like pulling teeth but I can only lead horses to water. Some are grateful, others feel I'm wrong and well... They'll learn. Or maybe I will. Every showrunner is different, and some might be okay with little nudges. Remember how I said don't be a dick? Yeah, this is one of those moments where I've just had to put the notion out there and then bow out. Pick my battles and let those above me make the decision of whether or not it's an issue. There will be ones that are worth digging my heels in for, and this is ultimately not one.

Regardless, the fact that I have the support I do, that I am getting to apply what I have been learning, and that I am being told by people with 5, 10, 15+ years in this industry that they adore me, that they're always excited to see me, that they're not leaving my network, and probably the best comment yet, that they look forward to seeing how I continue to grow just blows me away. I have gone from having this teeny tiny network to having a, still small, much stronger one filled with the kind of people I can email with questions and know I will get honest answers. Even if those answers are just "Get the hell out of your own way". And some times that's the only message you need.

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Virtual production meeting tonight for Project One to update them on how the rewrite is going and re-pitch everything using the original logline. The one that focuses on the show we initially set out to write before they, y'know, asked for something opposite of what they originally asked us to create... Again, welcome to writing in the industry friends! Where the answer is always yes if you want to make money and most executives have no idea what they actually want beyond a very base idea they think will make them more money than they're ever going to pay you!

But seriously, the roller coaster this project has been? Both a blessing and a curse. Blessing because I am learning from people who have walked this path before about how to pivot an idea to fit notes to make that "yes" work. Even if you want to gouge your eyes out when it comes because you know it's not going to work. Thus the curse part. Sometimes, you have to write things you don't want to, that don't feel realistic, don't fit the genre/demographic you were originally assigned because someone higher up than you was either told that's what they need to make sure is included or those higher ups are directly telling you it needs to be integrated in for whatever reason. And if you want to get paid, let alone see your work go on to the next stage of production, well, you do it. Is it fun? No. Is it like pulling teeth? It can be, but if you're lucky to be working with a team that meshes well and can help you maneuver through everything, it's a bit easier.

Aside from being a bundle of nerves even though I'm mostly going to just sit there and be a Madagascar Penguin ("Just smile and wave, boys; just smile and wave"), I did get to help aid in creating both the elevator pitch we'll open with and the 6 page treatment that maps everything for our series out. While I feel confident in what I assisted with, there's still the very loud singing of the Imposter Syndrome Siren in the back of my brain. Thus the nerves. Though, that could also be the water tricking down into the drains as I work to de-flood my basement...

It's fine. I'm fine. The meeting will go well, I start the next phase of the challenge I joined this Saturday and I am stoked that they decided to even have a part two. Project Two is almost done being written and the pilot feels solid, I'm proud of the work we've done on it but I'm also ready to set it aside for a bit and focus on something else for a bit before I pick it up again. I've been tearing apart a few older pilots and spec scripts, working on some books, doing a lot of jogging now that we're in track and field season... I've also been "chaperoning" walk-outs and protests at my eldest's school for safety. I may never be the cool mom, but I can still be a cool mom. Even if only in my head.

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It's 1:30 in the afternoon, I'm on my third cup of coffee because I'm trying to achieve a new high score on my anxiety level as I work on these rewrites with a migraine, schedule more testing for my youngest, and finish my latest personal pilot in the background of the chaos. Oh, yeah, and prepare to host a contest with some friends of the fanfiction variety because I am a nerd of epic proportions (DON'T JUDGE ME!)

My sister absolutely crushed her latest balloon competition and I couldn't be prouder, I have had interest in my chalk art and window painting pour in for spring and summer, so that whole pre-boom? It's looking like there may not be a pre-anything after my cousin's upcoming nuptials. But hey, that's what coffee is for, right? I'll sleep when I'm dead!

I know this all sounds like a lot of complaining intermingled with humble-bragging, and maybe it is (it totally is), but it's mostly just overwhelm because I never thought I'd ever be here. If Little A could see me now? She'd burst into tears. Likely a mix of the "I'm so happy" and "But why aren't we an actress" variety because she'd be horribly double-dipped while A of just ten years ago would be in shock that not only did we survive, we *thrived*.

I remember thinking I was crazy just eight years ago when I set forth to publish my first book. I had no idea if it would lead anywhere, if I'd succeed, if it'd do well; I was just a late twenties idiot with a dream of doing something before I turned thirty. And I did it. It was a dumpster fire. But I did it. Now I'm working on doing something again before I turn forty. It will likely *also* be a dumpster fire, but I will do it. And that's what matters. Then again, maybe the dumpster fire has already happened and I'm in the clear and it's only up from here. Only time will tell.

For now, I'm ready to keep pushing myself to learn, to try new things, and to put myself out there in uncomfortable ways in the name of "main character energy". After all, if I'm not the main character of the story of my life, who is?

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