Weldon Gaines

Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"Scatter Shots #6"

Some of us will live two lifetimes. Our own and the one lived on our stolen identity.

In American politics, the Bush family is the Kennedys with a longer life span.

A B. S. degree in Political Science is.

Mark got a degree in Philosophy. Today, he is Austin's premier house painter.

Your cell phone for all its convenience is nothing but trouble. You can avoid trouble if you block spam, location, and group texts.

In the Army, a captain with average skills makes his father proud. In the Navy, a captain with average skills makes his father an Admiral.

U. S. Marines never quit. They are feared in battle and brothels.

"How with all our sophisticated fighter jets can we hit the wrong target?" Clearly, you've never been in a public restroom.

Random thoughts on family dynamics:
-- low-income families wash each other's back.
-- middle-income families watch each other's back.
-- high-income families aim for the back.

Today's parents expect their kids to keep the family home. Mainly, because the kids never left.

Eating the main course is ambiguous to how the date will end. It is less ambiguous when eating dessert off of each other.

Trump only knows two kinds of Black people. The "good ones" who voted for him and the "low IQ's" who voted for democracy.

The difference between Biden and Trump is with Biden, the brown stain on his pants is coffee.

Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"Scatter Shots #5"

Not acting on an urge requires self-discipline. Acting on an urge requires permission from her.

Newlyweds share the same worry. She worries when he is late and he does the same.

As a kid my bubble bath was Tide detergent. Sure, my skin itched but I was clothesline fresh.

Dawn Platinum dish liquid removes stubborn stains and oily residue and leaves a citrus scent. It's the perfect shower gel.

Christian is equal to pregnant: Is you is or is you ain't?

Pregnant pays off in delivery. Christian pays off in death.

Let's stop using adjectives with "Christian". "Bad" Christian is an oxymoron and "good" Christian is redundant.

Donating leftover food is how bad cooks hide the truth.

Feeding the homeless is a requirement of God's plan and your probation.

Feeding the poor is helping the less fortunate. Feeding them vegan is just rubbing their face in it.

"P**n Is Niche Work"

Like, I only do hand job videos. Because I'm not a self-starter.

Frankly, the idea of screwing people constantly is a skill best learned in law school.

Male p**n stars are held to a rigid schedule. Female p**n stars are expected to be flexible.

Female p**n stars make more money. That's because they attract the holy trinity: heteros, le****ns, and Incels.

My male friends in the biz have to navigate up to eight different female personalities in a week. That's like being married.

Gay p**n stars got a congressional hearing. Half of the democrats viewed it as an equal rights fight. Half of the republicans viewed it as a free fanfest.

Some p**n stars only work with a mask on. The mask only comes off when meeting with their constituents.

Break ups between p**n star couples are different. Angela broke up with Todd because she caught him eating another woman's cooking.

My friend put three kids through grad school by working in the p**n industry. He's a biohazard tech.

Drug use in the p**n industry is highly regulated. There is no alcohol. No Xanax. No ma*****na. Only uppers.

Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"Security Is Key"

Be secure in your domain:

1) My front porch has a sign "No Solicitors" covered in blood splatter.
2) My truck is safe from theft. Because to turn it on requires foreplay.
3) My cell phone only opens with EPR. Erect P***s Recognition. Accordingly, I don't use my cell in public. Anymore.

Be secure in your personal relationships knowing:

1) Your boyfriend's feelings have to be considered. A husband, you can just blame.
2) Any argument with your spouse will last longer when you're right.
3) Girlfriends are listened to. Wives are obeyed.

Be secure in knowing human behavior:

1) Even your best friend's support is conditional. Unwavering support only comes from an accomplice.
2) Consumer optimists' trust the manufacturer. Consumer cynics trust Reddit.
3) Never argue against the truth. Hire a lawyer.

Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"Lying Is Commonplace. Lying Well Is Art."

Comedy is the only legal profession where lying is mandatory.

Good comedy is a lie told as truth. The best comedy is the truth exaggerated.

A comedian lying to you is for your entertainment. Your wife lying to you is for your own good.

Lying at your own expense is self-deprecation. Lying to your wife is self-preservation.

The one truth in politics is a bad liar will never get elected...and if he does later on, it's because he preached the prosperity gospel to practice.

A three-year old, of his own accord, will never lie to you. Unlike when your over 60 and a fart will.

A child lying for his parents is expected. A child lying on his parents is revenge.

Raising a teenager is a war of wills. Your teenager lying to you is a test of your defenses.

A child who refuses to lie for his parents will forever be their conscience. A child who lies for his parents will forever be their extortionist.

Lying with emotion is manipulation. Lying with numbers is embezzlement. Lying with sincerity is ideal.

Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"I Do Love Premium Ci**rs"

My love for ci**rs started at ten years old. Because I was ten, the best I could afford was second-hand smoke.

The cigar smoke calmed me. It helped me understand multiplication. I had no idea I was high.

Ci**rs did not carry the stigma of ci******es. Ci**rs were short, thick, expertly rolled and perfectly marketed cancer.

My grandmother recognized the problem with ci**rs right off. They stunk up her curtains.

You can have a cigar all types of ways. Bill Clinton preferred his Lewinsky-style. Because I have a normal amount of OCD, my cigar is only wet by mouth.

Premium ci**rs are available at exclusive cigar shops. But when the time comes, you can buy your voice box at Amazon.

The world's most expensive cigar is made from Himalayan to***co. A taste so smooth it's like smoking a s'more.

Its cigar band alone is diamond-crusted and valued at $45,000. That's two new Hyundai Sonatas.

It is wrapped in gold leaf and slipped into a lambskin cover. You can use the gold leaf to gild your coffee table. The lambskin you can use as a condom.

This most expensive cigar costs $1.36M each. A box of twenty will run you $27.2M. Each box comes in its own armored truck humidor.

To be clear, to find your perfect cigar will be years in the searching and very, very expensive. But I'm no quitter.

Finding your perfect cigar will be like a marriage. Except you're free to smoke other ci**rs.

Smoking a premium cigar the right way is sensual. A firm draw with the tip of your tongue allows you to taste its essence. It will make you a better lover.

Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"Jesus Is Coming! The Rapture? Pump Your Brakes."

Many believe and proselytize that man is the closest thing to God. If "a thousand years is but a blink of an eye", the closest thing to God is a Sloth.

To say you grew up in the church is a lie. To say you did is evidence of Stockholm Syndrome.

Not wanting to go to church every Sunday did not mean you were a sinner. It meant you were a hostage.

Like every good hostage, you listened to the message. That taught you what it meant to be a good Christian. Then you watched your elders ignore that message. Which taught you what it meant to be a hypocrite.

The church teaches that we are not perfect. We keep coming back to the church every week to reach perfection. Which is the same business model as your therapist.

The church is at least educational. I treat others the way I would want to be treated. That makes me empathetic. And popular at strip clubs.

God's word is the final judgement for wicked rule breakers and non-conformists. Clearly, the inspiration for all HOAs.

What about "The Rapture?" Pump your brakes. Per The Bible, "The Rapture" (though that term is never used) reads like a horror movie.

The Rapture promises the resurrection of the dead and the heavenly gathering of only the true believers. The rest of us are left with the zombies.

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This reminds me of my favorite joke from my friend, former co-worker, and fellow comedian, the late Jesse Pangelinan: "Jesus is coming! Look busy."

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Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"Have A Terminal Diagnosis? Give Your Body to Science"

How it works is one-half of your vested insurance payout goes to the medical research company. The other half goes to your family after signing the NDA.

Medical research will love this. One, human subjects are ideal, and two, they can give a big "f*ck you!" to PETA.

A medical research company's first hires are not scientists. They hire lawyers and accountants. Because there is no profit in a cure.

Another downside is as your legal guardian, researchers and abuse your body without fear of an assault charge.

Aunt Clara has an inoperable tumor. She goes from being the family historian who knows who your real daddy is to a family vacation in Fiji.

Obesity could be studied for its effects at a cellular level. On the bright side every meal is all-you-can-eat.

There is a lot of overlap between medical research and food research. Human fat is proved to have a higher smoke point.

But because this is America, even this research will have a racist tint. Black and Hispanic fat will only be sold as lard. Because we do love us some pork.

Because they are scientists, your death could be less natural causes and more trial and error.

You can take solace in knowing that thanks to research on you, future Vi**ra will give the hard without the headache.

They freeze Aunt Clara's brain and cut out the tumor. She is cured! But left in limbo, because the family booked the Fiji vacation without insurance.

Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"Marriage Is Your Second Biggest Decision"

I am not married. I really wanted to be. Unfortunately, she chose some other guy to drive into bankruptcy.

Marriage is your second biggest decision. The biggest is whether to stay married.

For women marriage is the "birth" of a new shared beginning. For men it is the "death" of self-will.

Marriage is a social contract. You have to accept that you are off the dating market. You have to accept joint debts. You have to accept his leaving the room to fart is just an option.

Marriage is a religious covenant. That means this person is your ride or die. No matter what. Just like being MAGA.

Special rights come with marriage. You have the legal right to not testify against your spouse. Even if you are the only witness. Which legally makes them your bitch.

At its core, marriage is a promise. A promise that is often broken through selfishness. And only mended through lawyers.

I believe there are two kinds of married men-happily married and successfully married. The happily married man shows up for housework, parenting, and is an open book. The successfully married man shows genuine empathy and vulnerability but never shows his burner.

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My Dak Prescott Joke:

No "side piece" will be silent through a public engagement and a public wedding announcement. This tells me that this "other woman" is totally married.

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Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"New Black Money is Loud and Often Brand Specific"

"Black money" is a term that refers to income earned illegally, or legally, but never reported. Examples would be illegal drug money, your kid's lawn-mowing gig, and church tithes.

For this discourse, "Black money" is generational wealth in American Black families. Progress is that we can use "generational wealth" and "Black" in the same sentence.

Black or White, wealthy parents sending their kids to their alma mater is called legacy. Legacy is code for extended daycare.

Black or White, trust fund kids are different. College for them is the trust fund's probationary period.

Black money is divided into two categories: 1) New Black money-"I just overpaid for a pool and I can't swim", and 2) Old Black money-"we build the pool and offer swimming lessons".

I have two theories on why New Black money is often brand specific. 1) Being brand specific is a mask. Celebrity buys into and promotes a premium liquor. Could be said celebrity just likes to drink. Or celebrity touts Visa for its "cash back" incentive for you. But you know his negotiation was like "Hey Visa, cash first".
2) New Black money is brand specific as a life-choice. Take Rihanna, she is brand specific 24/7. Her perfume-always Dior. Her fashion-always Armani. Her kids-always same daddy.

Often new Black money is an NFL first-round rookie contract. That's not generational wealth. Generational wealth is a Dak Prescott contract.

New Black money is loud. New Black money will still put mama in a new house but charge her rent. Because mama needs to work on her credit.

New Black money is loud. New black money is all in on crypto. Old Black money won't touch crypto even with your dick.

Delayed gratification is one key for new Black money to become generational wealth. Being 60 and in a state of contentment where you can pay it forward, is better than being 60 and having several states where you pay back child support.