Dr. Mandy Menzer

I've been reading Emily Nagoski's new book, Come Together, (which I highly recommend and will link to in the comments) and came across this really important analogy

When attachment needs aren’t being met, as is the case in negative cycles, each partner tends to double down on their position in a misguided attempt at self-protection (“I need to know there’s space for my way too”) and a desperate attempt for reassurance that “if you agree with me, that means you’ll be there for me when I need you.” This causes rigidity of thinking and preferences. The rigidity is a fight for the safety one would normally feel when their attachment needs are met.
The way around this is to stop communicating in negative cycles, which means talking about problems in a way that meets each others attachment needs: “your needs matter to me,” “I appreciate you,” “I can handle your feelings with care,” “we are equals,” etc.
When this can happen, partners start to feel the safety of met attachment needs (secure attachment) and they naturally begin to feel more flexible in their thinking and preferences. They weren’t so far away from each other after all (incompatible) they were just scared and communicating out of fear (insecure).
Of course sometimes there are decisions that are truly deal breakers (incompatibility) but in my experience this isn’t usually the case….partners who feel safe and secure have a tendency to easily move toward each and work as a team. Either way, you’ll never know without first cleaning up communication and getting out of negative cycles.
My book Secure Love by Julie Menanno is your guide to get there. Find it anywhere books are sold, and as always there’s a lot of good information on my account. ❤️

https://www.gottman.com/blog/two-views-every-conflict-valid/?utm_campaign=Marriage%20Minute&utm_medium=email&_hsenc=p2ANqtz--WECkjEtF1S6OkH9mr6gs35Goij5dEPThn1oLg_b0KtA_L-Xyl-DOWhrD3L8U0AXck0oxDubL-QqCUzjI1bYZIooHu2g&_hsmi=319077908&utm_content=318956543&utm_source=hs_email

There Are Two Views to Every Conflict and Both Are Valid During conflict, partners often see each other as enemies rather than intimate allies in a battle against misunderstanding.

🥹🫶

10 Things Your Therapist Probably Won't Tell You 4. "I'm not any more 'enlightened' than you are."

Great (but lengthy) article on vicarious trauma as many are struggling with current events. Here's one little piece but there is much more including practical tips if you read the whole thing:
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What is vicarious trauma?
Events can negatively affect people a world away from the scene, especially when this involves witnessing fear, pain, grief, and terror that others have experienced. This is the “cost of caring”:

We empathize with victims and this can cause us to “feel their pain.”

We may also feel directly threatened, especially when we relate in some way to those most impacted—“this could be me” or “this will be me.”

We feel helpless to do anything.

Social media, terrorist attacks, war, and vicarious trauma Public health touches all aspects of our lives, not just during a pandemic and not just with infectious diseases. Thanks to your feedback, this newsletter will continue with Covid-19 updates and address other public health topics, like mental health. To choose what topics land in your inbox, click

Need some tips on what you should do when you're nervous system is totally fried?

The Club had some great ideas so I recorded a podcast and then made you an infographic.

You can save this one as a jpg but if you'd rather have a pdf, head to my website and download it there!

Https://robyngobbel.com/fried

Find the podcast by clicking the link or search the Baffling Behavior Show in your podcast player!

Tag someone in the comments who you know needs this infographic!!!!

Then tell me which one is your favorite!

It is normal and understandable to have big feelings in times of intense stress.

Incidental Comics /Grant Snider

The more you know about a person, the more you understand that courage is very personal. It's definitely not one size fits all.

One of my favourite from 💕

https://www.quantamagazine.org/how-loneliness-reshapes-the-brain-20230228/

How Loneliness Reshapes the Brain | Quanta Magazine Feelings of loneliness prompt changes in the brain that further isolate people from social contact.

What happens in your brain when you're in love?

Here is your end of January reminder to be kind to yourself and invitation to practice it as often as you can. 💕

The Power of Being King to Yourself 🙏🏽

• More and more research is showing that self-compassion is a key to living a h life.
• Self-compassion is a source of strength and resilience

The 3 Elements of Self-Compassion:
1️⃣ Self Kindness: we are as caring towards ourselves as we are to others
2️⃣ Recognizing Our Common Humanity: When we understand that we are not alone in our pain through a moment of connection with others and that it is a part of the shared human experience
3️⃣ Mindfulness: Being open to the reality of the present moment [yes, you are here], acknowledging our suffering without exaggerating it

Graphic created by the amazing Johnine Byrne from See Your Words 🙏🏽

"What if the Therapist Tells Me I'm Crazy?" Discovering that your struggles make perfect sense.

A gentle reminder about why you are utterly exhausted…

No one I know began this year on a full tank. Given the vicious onslaught of the previous two years (let’s just call it what it was) most of us dragged ourselves across the finish line of 2021… frazzled, spent, running on aged adrenaline fumes.

We crawled into 2022 still carrying shock, trauma, grief, heaviness, disbelief…
The memories of a surreal existence…
And then it began…
The fastest hurricane year we could ever have imagined. Whether we have consciously processed it or not, this has been a year of more pressure, more stress, and a race to “catch up” in all departments… Every. Single. One. Work, school, sports, relationships, life…

Though not intentionally aware, perhaps hopeful that the busier we are, the more readily we will forget… the more easily we will undo the emotional tangle… the more permanently we will wipe away the scarring wounds…
We can’t.

And attempts to re-create some semblance of “normal” on steroids while disregarding that for almost two years our sympathetic nervous systems were on full alert, has left our collective mental health in tatters. Our children and teens are not exempt. The natural byproduct of fighting a hurricane is complete and utter exhaustion…

So before you begin questioning the absolutely depleted and wrung-dry state you are in- Pause.
Breathe.
Remind yourself of who you are and what you have endured.
And then remind yourself of what you have overcome.

Despite it all, you’re still going. (Even on the days you stumble and find yourself face down in a pile of dirt).
Understanding brings compassion…

Most of the world’s citizens are in need of a little extra TLC at the moment. Most are donning invisible “Handle with care” posters around their necks and “Fragile” tattoos on their bodies…

Instead of racing to the finish line of this year, tread gently.
Go slowly.

Amidst the chaos, find small pockets of silence.
Find compassion.
Allow the healing.
And most of all… Be kind. There’s no human being on earth who couldn’t use just a little bit more of the healing salve of kindness.

With love ♥️

Naomi Holdt
Psychologist and Speaker
Website: https://naomiholdt.com/

10 Tips for Using Dating Apps as a Person With Anxiety #9 is so important.

3 Meditation Techniques for People Who Can't Keep Still Meditation comes in many forms, so if you are looking for something with more movement, keep reading.

How long does gamified psychological inoculation protect people against misinformation? This featured article in this issue of APA Journals Article Spotlight in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: Applied investigates the long-term effectiveness of a game called Bad News as a psychological inoculation intervention.

These are all great. I particularly like the suggestion around using “and”

5 Ways Almost All of Us Misunderstand Our Emotions 4. We focus on only one of them at a time.

Resisting the Pressure to Overwork We all face internal and external pressures to overwork. But to be fulfilled in your life and career, you need to push back against those forces. First, understand that overwork is not necessary for professional success; if you find yourself triggered by others who believe it is, remind yourself of....