Disclosure.

🙃

"I thought of ending sadness so many times and there's just too many alternatives but the only thing that makes sense was death. The death of me is the ultimate period, the game ender, the end-point of everything. Atleast, it was what I thought.

I started to do things to feel alive again. I went out with friends, wrote a lot of poems to feel occupied, watched different tv series to get by a lonely day, read a book I once judged by its cover, started talking to new people and I smiled more often this time. I sometimes doubt my progress and when I do it always feel like my reboot button was pushed and I'm back to zero.

The battle keeps on repeating like a cycle and this is where I started questioning myself, "Is this still worth the fight?" and I sat there staring blankly through the sky waiting for an answer to fall in my lap. I began to tire myself on purpose the next day, I knew it's the only way to stop feeling. I've done things to forget all the other things that hurt. I'm slowly creating my own little messed up world out of the chaos I'm already in. I wanted to stop feeling, stop caring too much, stop loving, stop everything all at once.

There will be a point where the thought of death would be more present than all of your friends. 3 AM, knocking on your door, it's the thought of death. I humbly let it in and what's worse is that I even made it comfortable to stay in my home— my mind rather for a couple of months and it wasn't the best of my days. All my happy days were over, I've gotten even more sad, I never tried seeking for help, I don't want to drag anyone with me as I fall. I don't want them to think I'm out of my mind. I don't want to hear the words, "You'll be fine." because it does not help and I knew I won't be fine for a while.

I kept it a secret. I didn't think they'd be helpful and also it's a fight that only I could conquer. I became my own soldier, my knight and shining whatever. I fought for my peace of mind, I fought the thought of death inside my head, I know there's more to life than letting it rip the soul out of me.

The cycle goes and I knew it had to stop at some point. I observed the way it affects me and I highlighted the parts where I used the muscles on my face to smile, I kept all the hurtful parts italicized and left the people who surrounded me on bold.

I thought of ending this cycle— the sadness, the thought of death and life itself but I failed. As much as I wanted to live a perfect life, there's no such thing. All you really have to do is to keep all the happy parts highlighted because in the end, this will all amount to nothing if you weren't happy surviving."
— Trixa Lei, A Cycle: The Period

Artwork by Nate Armstrong

“Here’s the thing, I can’t give you the world but you know I’d happily give all that I have if you ask me to. No, let me rephrase that, I’d give my best, you don’t need to ask because darling, even in my weakest point, you’re all I think about. Even in my ugliest state, I’d put you first.

Coming from a generation of lonely hearts, I’ve seen how things were ruined because it’s almost always that when something or someone does not meet their expectations, they will look for it through someone else.

My love, I know this isn’t much but I can only assure you that from the moment I decided to commit, I will try my very best to stay by your side and yes, that also means staying when there is literally just a thread to hold on to. Love is a promise, sometimes it is ugly, most days it is painful and yes often times it is not worth our trust but we can’t deny that it is indeed the best feeling there is.

Now, here’s the real thing darling, I know we often fight and think that we’ve grown tired of each other but believe me when I say that a thread is enough to hold us both. That thread, is our love and even if we argue every single day in the next coming years, I will still choose to hold on to our unsteady thread than create a new one with someone else. I know for sure that love only works if two people are willing to commit fully. We don’t choose who we love let alone every single person who tries to enter our lives but we decide when to hold on and to let go.

Lastly, this is me saying, I’m never gonna let you go. Not on my watch. Not in this lifetime because this is how I always perceived love.”
– Trixa Lei

artwork by fridacastelli

🍂

"Maturity isn't about staying to fix things while they fall. It isn't about who says sorry first or someone who admits their wrong and try to compensate. Maybe it's not about who stays to try and work things out. It isn't about who loves who more.

Maturity is being able to identify what hinders your growth as a person and letting it go.

It can have different meanings and interpretations depending on who is defining it.

But as for me, it is when you choose to walk away from situations that no longer serves you right.

So just incase this happens, I hope you forgive me, because, this time, I'd give up everything but not myself– never again."
— Trixa Lei

Artwork by Amanda Oleander

“I’d like to believe that I’m okay, most of my friends would not even notice that I’m not. I don’t blame them, though. If I’m going to be honest, that’s what I want them to assume. I live in pretense, but I was never a fake friend and/or acquaintance, and if you knew me from somewhere, know that my care, words, and actions are real. You can use them all against me; I’m not a sham. For that exact same reason, I often wonder why there are people who, aside from knowing what you’ve been through to getting the best of you, still have the heart to fu***ng break you into pieces. I hate those kinds.

I’d like everyone to know that this isn’t a cry for help. Consider this a reminder that people around you don’t have the same threshold as you. It doesn’t matter how big or small, if it's a loss or not, you can’t measure someone’s pain—never.

If words could kill, I’m probably six feet under the ground right now. So please, I will speak for everyone who can’t. Be kinder.”

— Trixa Lei, Kindness, Always.

artwork by instagram.com/sinshagrai

“And when she doesn’t run to you, I hope you know where to find her.”

"I thought of ending sadness so many times and there's just too many alternatives but the only thing that makes sense was death. The death of me is the ultimate period, the game ender, the end-point of everything. Atleast, it was what I thought.

I started to do things to feel alive again. I went out with friends, wrote a lot of poems to feel occupied, watched different tv series to get by a lonely day, read a book I once judged by its cover, started talking to new people and I smiled more often this time. I sometimes doubt my progress and when I do it always feel like my reboot button was pushed and I'm back to zero.

The battle keeps on repeating like a cycle and this is where I started questioning myself, "Is this still worth the fight?" and I sat there staring blankly through the sky waiting for an answer to fall in my lap. I began to tire myself on purpose the next day, I knew it's the only way to stop feeling. I've done things to forget all the other things that hurt. I'm slowly creating my own little messed up world out of the chaos I'm already in. I wanted to stop feeling, stop caring too much, stop loving, stop everything all at once.

There will be a point where the thought of death would be more present than all of your friends. 3 AM, knocking on your door, it's the thought of death. I humbly let it in and what's worse is that I even made it comfortable to stay in my home— my mind rather for a couple of months and it wasn't the best of my days. All my happy days were over, I've gotten even more sad, I never tried seeking for help, I don't want to drag anyone with me as I fall. I don't want them to think I'm out of my mind. I don't want to hear the words, "You'll be fine." because it does not help and I knew I won't be fine for a while.

I kept it a secret. I didn't think they'd be helpful and also it's a fight that only I could conquer. I became my own soldier, my knight and shining whatever. I fought for my peace of mind, I fought the thought of death inside my head, I know there's more to life than letting it rip the soul out of me.

The cycle goes and I knew it had to stop at some point. I observed the way it affects me and I highlighted the parts where I used the muscles on my face to smile, I kept all the hurtful parts italicized and left the people who surrounded me on bold.

I thought of ending this cycle— the sadness, the thought of death and life itself but I failed. As much as I wanted to live a perfect life, there's no such thing. All you really have to do is to keep all the happy parts highlighted because in the end, this will all amount to nothing if you weren't happy surviving."
— Trixa Lei, A Cycle: The Period

Artwork by Nate Armstrong