The Slow Side

The STOP technique is basically the emergency brake for when your brain is spiraling. It forces you to pause the physical reaction and actually check in with what is happening.

We spend so much energy trying to save everyone else. We want to fix their problems and carry their heavy bags and make sure they are okay. But you cannot pour from an empty cup. If all you have the energy for is taking care of yourself then that is exactly what you should do.

Are You the Same Person You Used to Be? The New Yorker

It's not actually about them.
And it makes sense, when that person is taking up so much of your mental real estate — because your brain is trying to protect you.
Trying to "figure it out" so it won't happen again.

But you can't "figure it out."
Understanding them doesn't solve anything.

What does help you move on is a few different things —
one is actually allowing yourself to process your feelings about what happened. Your hurt, your disappointment, your sadness.
Shifting the focus from them to you and letting yourself feel deeply without judgment. Space to let it move.
And sometimes this requires finding the link between the modern day hurt and an older hurt this situation reminds you of.

Second is mentally putting them into a different category.
Instead of as a dangerous, terrible person you have to be on the lookout for —
they just become someone you don't align with.
When you process the deeper feelings, you can begin to allow them to become background noise instead of something you have to be on guard against.

And third, get clear on what you DO want.
Boundaries significantly help with number two.
Identify what works for you and focus on walking toward that, instead of making the focus self-protection or what you don't want.
Again, this is only possible when you really process your feelings about the hurt.

How do these land in your body?

Are you in Portland or the PNW?
I'm holding an in-person Regulate + Relate Workshop on March 21st from 5-7pm in the Pearl.
Come practice settling in the body and getting to know other folks in the EQ community.
There are about 10 spots left.
https://theeqschool.co/regulate-and-relate

Day 069 of 365.