K Factor

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There is wisdom in knowing when to speak one's mind and when to mind your speech; which means your choice of words, tonation and line of questions matter. It is not everyone who knows that so we end up hurting those we love so much in an attempt to get answers to things bothering us.

Women are good with issues on security, maybe because they are blessed with intuition. They are able to sense when something is wrong or not right with their feelings. And because security is one of their topmost needs, when their security is broken or interfered with, they seem to act like a police and put anyone they suspect or have a proof against on trial, especially their partner or spouse.

She has all the evidence that her man is hiding something from her or not being faithful to her. Instead of confronting him with her feelings and evidence, she rather subjects her partner to a line of questioning as if they have a criminal in their court. Questions like "where are you coming from, where were you, who were you with, who is she to you"? They do so because they don't want their partner to lie to them or escape from the truth.

They ask the questions anticipating that he will lie to them so they can launch an attack on them or jail them. Men find this questioning so disrespectful and fight back in anger. And when he acts like that, she feels he is running from the truth and that is why he is using anger as a cover up, which is not always the truth. How do you expect your loved one to feel if you arraign them before a court where you are the prosecutor, without any charge sheet?

And as he stands in that court, in the witness box, she refuses to listen to what he has to say because she is just interested in the truth she wants to hear. Even if he is telling the truth which does not correspond to the facts she knows, she is not willing to listen to him. She goes a step further to call him names, link evidence to past issues in an attempt to make him feel guilty.

Such behaviour or approaches are not the best way of resolving issues in a relationship or marriage. Your man is not a criminal because he wronged you or offended you. As much as you deserve to know the truth, do that with love and respect. As much as you want to know the full picture fast, allow him to speak.

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DESPERATE HEARTS EAT LIES

When you are made to feel you are late in life, especially when it comes to marriage, you are compelled to get into any sort of relationship without thinking twice. To our friends, family and colleagues who keep asking others when they are getting married, you are not doing them good at all.

Your actions are pushing them into a wrong relationship. You are making them feel desperate for a relationship. A desperate person is a hungry person. They can consume poison without knowing. Sadly, many people have eaten lies because their hearts were made hungry for marriage.

A hungry person is impatient. A desperate person feels he or she has no time to waste, so they don't make time to study people to know them before they commit. They mistake who their partner wants to be for who he or she is. You get to know who your partner is by their actions, and that requires some amount of time. Dating them for a year will offer you the opportunity to know who they are before you agree to get married to them.

Unfortunately for many people who are desperate or in a hurry to get married, they end up falling for people because of their words. Who the person claims to be, what they want to do with you in the future, their plans and dreams; Only to realize later that, the person you fell in love with is not the person they claimed to be.

Bear in mind that, no matter how much pressure people put on you to get married, it's your marriage not their marriage. It's your call and not theirs. It's your choice and not theirs. At the end of the day, the choice will make or break you.

©️k factor 2024

DIVORCE IS A TOUGH DECISION

Divorce is not good; it is not part of God's design for marriage, and we frown on people who make such decisions. However we fail to find out why and, in some cases, when we find out the reason, we rather rubbish it.

Human beings are not objects or non-living beings; they have emotions, dignity and needs. When you get married and you are treated like an object, when your feelings are taken for granted, your needs neglected and your dignity means nothing to your spouse, the very person who vowed to treat you well, you will soon get to the point where you no longer want to be in such company.

You cannot continue cheating on your spouse and think apologizing is enough to make them stay in the marriage. You cannot keep lying to your spouse and think giving them gifts is enough to make them stay with you.

It's time the married stopped abusing the word "sorry." Don't expect your spouse to forgive you and move on because you apologized after cheating. Your spouse will forgive you, but moving on is not possible. Moving on is only possible when you take responsibility for your actions and are committed to working to correct your behaviour. Correcting your behaviour is not about making promises; in some cases, it is about seeking counselling or therapy.

When you don't work on your unhealthy behaviour, you push your spouse to choose between turning a new page in the marriage or ending the marriage. They have no choice but to divorce, rather than pretending you have changed or that all is well.

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HOW UNDERSTANDING ARE YOU?

One of the qualities people look for in others when they are considering relationships is understanding. And when they meet people who make time to listen to them and take their inputs, feedback, and suggestions into consideration, they feel loved and valued and end up in a relationship with them.

But things change when a couple starts having conflicts in their relationship. That is the time they want their partner or spouse to understand them more, but unfortunately, that is the time they hardly understand each other. Soon, the couple start growing apart, they cannot have a simple conversation without ending up arguing or fighting.

How good is a relationship if you cannot understand each other, if you cannot have a simple conversation without fighting or arguing? For most people, that is when they opt for a breakup.

The question is, is it difficult to understand your partner? The answer is no. You get to understand your partner when you are patient and make enough time to listen to understand each other's perspectives and feelings, rather than trying to project your opinions, thoughts, and feelings on your partner.

Don’t just listen to your partner; be willing to find out how they feel and give them the needed support when they get emotional. Don’t make them feel bad for being emotional. We all get angry sometimes when we feel mistreated, but that does not mean we have an anger issue. We all get sad when we are hurt, but that does not mean we are playing the victim or being dramatic.

To understand your partner means to put yourself in their shoes. That is how you show your love and care. That is how you make your partner feel like he/she belongs, is valued and is respected. Women feel loved when they are also heard. Men feel respected when they are listened to.

The truth is, we all want to be loved, but we find it hard to love; we all want to be respected, but we find it hard to respect; we all want to be understood, but we find it hard to understand. If you want to be in a relationship, then be willing to love, respect and understand your partner.

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Love, more importantly, is work. It's a no-go area for lazy people. Commitment requires effort, and as you invest in personal growth and your relationships, both of you become more beautiful.

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LONELINESS IS TOUGH

Life is tough when you feel alone and live just by yourself. There is no one to talk to, no one to listen to you. There is no one to support you or be there for you. There is no one to come to.

These are some reasons why relationships, such as marriage, are special. But it's rather unfortunate how people treat their spouses or partners in such relationships.

You may not have all the money in the world; you may not have all that you dream about or pray for, but if you have a spouse, a partner who is a friend and loves and cares about you, you have a treasure.

Appreciate such a person and value that relationship. Let's be thankful for the people God places in our lives. Let's take a minute to appreciate them.

And if you have any issue or conflict between you that is causing you to disconnect or feel alone, kindly put your pride aside and tell them how much you miss them.

©️k factor 2024

ALL MY MATES ARE GETTING MARRIED EXCEPT ME

Sometimes we put unnecessary pressure on ourselves which does not only run us into depression but into a wrong relationships. The fact that all your class, course or age mates are getting married does not mean there is something wrong with you.

Being with someone in the same class or doing the same course does not mean you are all the same. Each one of us is unique and different. Your dress, shoe size, styles, etc show how different you are even though you share a class. Born on the same day does not mean you carry the same purpose or genes. You might have met in life due to schooling or friendship but it does not make you the same.

Everyone has their life, path, calling, purpose and timing or clock. If your friend's time has come for them to get married, be happy for them, wait for yours. Their marriage won't deny you yours so why are you worried?

The question you should be asking yourself is that, am I ready for marriage; a relationship that lasts a life time; not just about the fun fair and celebration associated with one getting married.

Examine your strengths, capabilities and weaknesses if you have what it takes to keep a successful relationship. If there is something to work on, do that religiously and wait on the Lord for your turn.

The marriage you want is not from your friends or family but from God. Don't think for God, do your part and God will show up for He is always on time. In His time, He makes all things beautiful.

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HOW TO WIN AS COUPLES

Learn how to negotiate and compromise instead of trying to win alone at all costs in life. Whenever you win alone, you lose people who could have been a blessing to you.

You cannot work alone in this life; you cannot live alone; you cannot exist alone. You need others to work effectively, you need others to live, you need others to belong, you need others to be a blessing to, and vice versa.

Be it work space, business, family, or personal relationship, you will need someone in your life or in your space. You need people who are happy with you, not people who are sad because you are happy.

When you learn to negotiate and compromise, you win with others. You are not the only person who wins; others win as well. You are not the only person whose interests are met; others’ are taken care of as well.

As a couple, if you learn how to negotiate and compromise in your relationship, even during conflicts, you won't only look out for your own interests; you'll also consider those of your partner's.

When there is a conflict, instead of shouting at your partner, learn to speak undertone, consider their feelings, and instead of being defensive, learn to listen to your partner's views. Be willing to consider their suggestions and try something different. Sometimes, you gain more by letting go of what you are used to.

It always takes two to tango; it takes two to make a relationship. You win by becoming assertive (considering your needs and those of your partner) and not by being aggressive (only considering your interests) or passive (considering your partner’s interest only).

©️k factor 2024

Growing up without a father

Believe me it’s the worst feeling in the whole world

You never gets to knows how it’s feel like having one around

You never gets to know the joy it brings to other kids having both parents

It’s the type of feeling you’ll never be able to explain, always leaves an empty space in your heart, you’ll always feel incomplete.

As time goes by you tell yourself as I grow older I’ll get over it

As I grow older he’ll be less important in my life

That’s a lie!!!

It hurts like hell as you grow older

Sh*ts get worse

You question yourself if he ever thinks of you like you think of him

then you come to a conclusion if he really loved you he wouldn’t have left

And you just end up hurting

hurts knowing you’ll never know how the father-son relationship works

You’ll never have him to call you his lil prince

He’ll never be there to protect you

He’ll never be by your side to keep you safe

To make you feel safe

So growing up you’ll never know how you’re supposed to be treated by a man

You take every bullsh*t from any man

Cause the one important man in your life left

So you accept anything that happens to you

It’s a feeling that you’ll never be able to explain

It’s an unacceptable feeling

It’s so selfish how one man can ruin someone’s else’s happiness

It hurts everytime you think of him.

THINGS TO KNOW BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED: I - INFIDELITY

Cheating in marriage, infidelity or adultery is one painful thing to happen to marriage. The pain can be unbearable; the wound caused is not only deep, but it takes forever to heal, and in some situations, when it finally heals, the scar left is ugly; it dents the beauty of the marriage. Furthermore, couples end up battling with insecurity and mistrust.

Even In law, it's a crime against marriage, and it's one reason a spouse can end the legal relationship. Customarily it’s a taboo; it's the reason to end the relationship that exists between couples. In religion, it's a sin against marriage, and a justification to dissolve the union.

It's not something any spouse wants to experience in marriage, but sadly, the same people who don't want this experience are able to put their partner through it and think that being sorry is enough to get over it.

Personally, it is uncomfortable when a culture or group of people think it is okay for the man to cheat on their wife or be unfaithful but find everything wrong when the wife does same. We need to remember that crime, taboo and sin do not have a gender. The pain men feel when they are cheated on, women feel same.

It's important for men and women to unite and fight against cheating or unfaithfulness in marriage. Singles who find it hard to tell the truth and who cannot discipline their bodies and senses, need to know that marriage is not good for their behaviour. Marriage is not a solution to their behaviour either.

"Have respect for marriage. Always be faithful to your partner, because God will punish anyone who is immoral or unfaithful in marriage" - Hebrews 13:4.

To be continued…

Engr. Kufre James
CEO, k factors LTD.
Electrical service provider, computer Engineer, counselor.
©️k factor 2024