Relationship Insight

Hi people, amazing people 😊

Some men and women are very egoistic and possessive in relationships. They feel that once they are dating you, you shouldn’t have friends of the opposite s*x or maintain certain friendships because they believe, “If I am all you have, then you should be all I have too.” I honestly don’t think that is sustainable, safe, mentally or emotionally. Life has a way of breaking us in ways we never expect, and sometimes, we need someone we can confide in, talk to, or simply reach out to for some ease while we process what we are going through.

Yes, boundaries should be created if we are already in a relationship or marriage. But boundaries should not mean that friendship must stop. They should not stop you from checking on people, having meaningful friendships, or having one or two trusted persons you can confide in. This does not mean your partner won’t be there for you or that you don’t value them. It simply means you understand that no single person can meet every emotional, social and practical need you may have.

Some of the reasons people make terrible decisions in difficult moments is because they suddenly realise that nobody is really there for them. The friendships are gone. The people they used to talk to are no longer there. They have isolated themselves completely, and when life hits them hard, they have nowhere to turn. That is dangerous because difficult moments can push people into decisions they eventually live to regret.

You must build walls, not prison cells. It is natural and wise to have healthy boundaries because we have seen spouses disappoint each other. We have seen people in relationships disappoint each other. We have seen siblings disappoint each other, and even very strong friendships fall apart. These things should teach us that while we love and trust people, we should also have a healthy support system. In times when one relationship becomes difficult or someone disappoints us, there should be a fallback, somewhere we can find peace, counsel and stability while we recover and get better.

I hope you find this useful. If you don’t, that’s fine too.

Relationship Insight
Moses Hayab

THE PRICE OF THE STANDARD WE HAVE CHOSEN

There is something about marriage that we need to start discussing with greater honesty.

Whenever the subject of marriage comes up, especially in religious communities, the prayer is often directed at women.

“May God give you a husband.”
“May you not remain single.”
“May you find your own man.”

But perhaps the more important question is: why are we constantly praying for women to find husbands without equally asking whether enough men are willing, ready and capable of becoming husbands?

This is where the conversation becomes uncomfortable.

We have chosen monogamy as our standard, and there is nothing wrong with choosing a standard.
But every standard comes with consequences.
If we insist that one man should marry one woman, while education, economic pressure, career development and the rising cost of establishing a home continue to push many men into marrying later, then we must accept that there will be consequences somewhere.

Somebody will pay the price.

And in this particular arrangement, women often bear a disproportionate part of that price.

The reality is that marriage is not entirely decided by women.
A woman can desire marriage, prepare herself for marriage, have good character, be educated, responsible and emotionally ready, yet still remain unmarried because the man she needs is either unavailable, unwilling or not yet ready.

And society makes this even more complicated.

We have created a culture where a woman who actively pursues marriage can easily be labelled desperate.
She cannot always say clearly, “I want this man,” or “I am ready to build a home with this person,” without being judged.
Yet the same society can celebrate a man for simply deciding that he is ready to marry and then choosing a woman.

That imbalance creates vulnerability.

Some women, desperately wanting marriage, begin to tolerate things they ordinarily would never tolerate.
They spend money, make sacrifices, overlook character flaws and keep investing in relationships because they are afraid of starting again.
And unfortunately, some men understand this vulnerability and exploit it.

They enjoy the companionship, affection, financial support, s*x, emotional availability and other benefits of the relationship, while avoiding commitment.

Then, when the relationship eventually collapses, society asks the woman why she allowed herself to be used.

But did we ever examine the system that made her so vulnerable?

This is not an argument that women are entitled to husbands.
It is an argument that we must stop pretending that the problem exists only on the woman's side.

Some women are unmarried because of their choices.
Some because of circumstances.
Some because they are unwilling to compromise their convictions.
And some simply have not found the right person.

The same is true of men.

Some men are unmarried because they are building their lives.
Some because they cannot yet afford marriage.
Some because they genuinely do not want marriage.
And some are unmarried because their character, discipline, emotional maturity or relationship with God makes them unsuitable for marriage.

Yet society rarely examines unmarried men with the same intensity.

For generations, we have created a narrative in which a woman's unmarried status becomes a subject of public concern, while a man's unmarried status is often treated as his private business.

That mindset did not develop yesterday.
It has been reinforced through centuries of cultural and religious expectations.

Changing it will therefore take time.

But we must begin somewhere.

We must begin by accepting that bad character has no gender.
Irresponsibility has no gender.
Infidelity has no gender.
Manipulation has no gender.
Immaturity has no gender.

And being a man does not automatically make someone a good husband.

At the same time, women must also understand that contributing financially to a relationship does not automatically give them the right to dominate it.
A woman can support a man without turning that support into a weapon against him.
A man can be the head of his home without using that position as an excuse for irresponsibility, oppression or entitlement.

Marriage should not become a contest over who sacrificed more.

Perhaps, therefore, the conversation we need is bigger than simply asking women to pray for husbands.

We should be asking men to become men worth marrying.

We should be teaching women that being unmarried does not make them defective.

We should give women the freedom to choose wisely, reject exploitation and decide what they want their lives to look like.

And perhaps most importantly, we should have the courage to examine the consequences of the standards we have chosen.

Because if we say one man, one woman, then we must also be honest about what happens when the number of women ready for marriage becomes greater than the number of men ready and willing to marry.

We cannot demand the standard and then pretend the consequences do not exist.

Somebody will pay the price.

And right now, in many communities, women are paying a significant portion of it.

The solution is not to blame women.

The solution is not to excuse irresponsible men.

The solution is not necessarily to abandon our convictions.

The solution is to face the reality, examine our assumptions, challenge our gender biases, build responsible men, empower discerning women and create a society where marriage is pursued from maturity and genuine choice rather than fear, pressure and desperation.

Until we are willing to have that uncomfortable conversation, we will continue praying for women to get married while ignoring one of the biggest questions.

Relationship Insight
Moses Hayab
Patience Byang

A WORD TO THE YOUNG MAN

Young man, you are an amazing creation.

You were designed for responsibility, hard work, sacrifice, provision, protection, perseverance and service.

There will be days when you must show up even when you are tired.

There will be moments when you must do what needs to be done, even when you feel you cannot.

You will carry responsibilities that nobody applauds.

You will fight battles that nobody sees.

Sometimes, you will smile in public while privately wondering how everything will work out.

That is why you must be intentional about the woman you choose as your wife.

Do not only look for beauty.

Look for a woman who understands the weight you carry.

Look for kindness, compassion, wisdom, emotional maturity and humility.

Look for someone who will not only celebrate your success but will also stand beside you during difficult seasons.

Someone who can pray with you, encourage you, advise you wisely and support you in whatever way she can.

A good woman does not have to carry your responsibilities for you, but she should be willing to walk with you while you carry them.

Because even the strongest man gets tired.

Even the provider needs someone who understands that he is human.

Even the protector needs somewhere to rest.

And even the man who constantly shows up needs someone who notices when he is struggling.

Young man, become the kind of man who deserves a good woman.

Be responsible.

Be faithful.

Learn to communicate.

Learn to lead without controlling.

Learn to provide without using provision as a weapon.

Learn to love without manipulation.

Then, when choosing a wife, ask yourself:

Can we build together?

Does she understand me?

Can we pray together?

Does her presence bring peace, wisdom and strength?

Marriage should not be one person carrying everything while the other simply consumes.

It should be two people walking together through different seasons of life.

The right woman may not remove your burdens, but she will make you feel less alone while carrying them.

You deserve kindness too.

Choose wisely.

Moses Kywom Hayab
Relationship Insight

I think I once said that I do not have to kneel down to propose to any lady.

For me, proposing is a serious decision because it gives the other person the choice to say yes or no. It takes a lot for a man to choose a woman and decide that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Naturally, I would want to minimise anything that could frustrate that effort or create unnecessary embarrassment.

We have had several cases where women slapped men, especially during public proposals. I honestly do not understand the psychology behind such a reaction. You can reject somebody without beating the person. That is really uncalled for.

At the same time, men should understand that a public proposal should not come as a surprise to the woman. Many men think a public proposal is one very amazing thing, but I think it is something you ought to discuss with your partner beforehand. Ask her if she would want a public proposal or prefer something private.

More importantly, before you even get to the proposal, you should have asked her several times whether she loves you, whether she is ready for marriage, and whether she is willing to marry you. You should see clear signals, a clear connection and genuine willingness from her. Ask her through chat, on a call and in person if necessary.

Of course, none of this guarantees that she must say yes. People can change their minds. But at least, you are not walking blindly into a public proposal with someone who has never given you any indication that she wants to spend her life with you.

And if a woman is publicly proposed to and does not want to accept, she does not need to slap or humiliate the man. She can simply ask him to stand up and say, “Please, let's not do this here. Let us talk privately.” Then she can respectfully leave.

We should also understand that money cannot buy someone's heart. You cannot spend money on someone and assume that it automatically gives you a claim over their love or consent. Money can complement a relationship, but it cannot create genuine affection where it does not exist.

And if you propose and she rejects you, do not be too disturbed by the rejection. I know it can be deeply demoralising, especially when you have invested your time, emotions and resources into the relationship. But in the long run, it may actually be for your own good.

Imagine spending the rest of your life with someone who does not genuinely want to do life with you. What would that relationship eventually become? The earlier you discover that the person does not want the same future as you, the better.

Finally, I do not think kneeling down to propose has any particular significance. For me, it is uncalled for. It is simply something many people have copied because they have seen others do it. If another man chooses to kneel, that is his choice, but I do not have to copy it.

Not everything that works for someone else must work for us. Let us think for ourselves, respect consent, learn how to reject people without humiliating them, and learn how to handle rejection without violence.

At the end of the day, it is not the kneeling, the crowd or the cameras that make a marriage work. It is the two people involved.

Relationship Insight
Hayab Kywom Moses

Many people, particularly men, may be struggling with compulsive sxual behavior, yet it is rarely discussed. Because sx is a natural and pleasurable part of life, people often overlook the fact that, without discipline and self control, it can become destructive.

When a person's sxual urges consistently override their values, responsibilities, relationships, or judgment, it is no longer just a matter of desire. It may be a sign of compulsive behavior that requires attention. Countless families, careers, reputations, and even lives have been damaged because people failed to recognize when their sxual behavior had become unhealthy.

During my NYSC orientation camp, I overheard some young men from Lagos expressing surprise that they had gone over a day without sx because, according to them, that was almost impossible at home. It made me reflect on how our environment and habits shape our desires. Sometimes, removing someone from an unhealthy pattern can help them regain self control. Just as rehabilitation helps people recover from substance dependence, structured support and accountability can help those struggling with compulsive sxual behavior.

This does not mean every person with strong s*xual desires is addicted, nor does it excuse criminal acts. People must always be held accountable for crimes they commit. However, we should also recognize that some individuals genuinely need professional help before their behavior becomes more destructive.

This reminds me of how our understanding of drug dependence has changed over time. Rather than seeing every person who uses drugs only as a criminal, modern public health approaches increasingly recognize that many people need treatment and rehabilitation alongside appropriate legal measures. That shift has helped many people recover instead of remaining trapped in addiction.

Perhaps it is time we also have more honest conversations about compulsive s*xual behavior. Shame and silence rarely solve problems. Self discipline, accountability, counselling, rehabilitation where necessary, and, for people of faith, prayer and spiritual guidance can all work together to help people regain control of their lives.

If you find that you no longer have control over your s*xual behavior, do not ignore it. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness. It is often the fast step toward freedom.

May God grant us the wisdom, discipline, and humility to seek help whenever we need it. Amen 🙏

Moses Hayab
Relationship Insight
Nchas

There is still an ongoing debate about whether people should get married only after they have money or whether they should marry even while they are still building their lives.

The truth is that there is no single formula that guarantees success. Some people got married with very little, and after some years, doors opened, opportunities came, and they became financially stable. Others also got married with little and are still struggling today. On the other hand, some entered marriage with money, yet things eventually became difficult. This simply shows that money alone does not determine the outcome of a marriage.

One important question is this: Who is the person you intend to marry?

How has that person been surviving before marriage? If someone has always depended entirely on their parents for survival and has never learned to stand on their own, that may be a point of concern. However, if both of you have been living independently, managing your lives, no matter how modestly, then there is a good chance that you can combine your efforts, build on what you have, and gradually create something better together.

Life is a process. As long as both of you are willing to work hard, improve yourselves, acquire new skills, connect with the right people, save, invest wisely, and remain disciplined, your situation can improve with time. You may have to start small. You may need to cut unnecessary expenses instead of trying to live like everyone else. You may have to take on extra jobs, start a business, or further your education to increase your earning capacity.

Many of our parents did not begin life in comfort. Some started in a single room or a small apartment. They faced challenges, made sacrifices, and worked consistently until they eventually built homes and raised successful families. Today, we often see the results without remembering the humble beginnings.

I say this especially to those who genuinely desire to get married. Having money before marriage does not guarantee a happy home. Likewise, lacking money does not automatically mean the marriage will fail. What often makes the difference is the character, mindset, and commitment of the two people involved.

I have heard the stories of couples who began with almost nothing. They were willing to do whatever honest work they could find just to survive. They sold goods, took on different jobs, and refused to let pride stop them from making a living. Rather than beg, they chose to work. Today, many of them are doing remarkably well because they remained committed to the process.

None of this is easy. It may sound simple when discussed, but in reality it requires determination, discipline, sacrifice, and patience. You must constantly encourage yourself to keep moving forward even when circumstances are difficult.

Ultimately, marriage is less about your present financial condition and more about the kind of people involved. Are both of you willing to work hard? Are you prepared to make sacrifices? Can you put aside pride and do honest work? Will you continue investing in yourselves? Are you willing to ignore unnecessary societal pressure and live within your means instead of trying to impress others? Can you avoid reckless spending and unnecessary financial burdens while focusing on building your future together?

Money has never guaranteed a successful marriage, just as poverty has never guaranteed failure. What matters most is the mindset, values, work ethic, and unity of the two people entering the marriage.

Choose someone who is willing to build with you, and be the kind of person who is equally willing to build. When two people share that commitment, they give themselves a far better chance of creating the future they both desire.

Hayab Kywom Moses
Relationship Insight

This will redefine how we see relationship. Let's discuss!

One observation I have made over the years is that friendship often seems simpler than relationships.

In friendship, people naturally help one another, support one another, check up on one another, share burdens, and show kindness without constantly calculating what they are getting in return. The friendship itself is often enough reason to care.

Yet something interesting happens when that same friendship develops into a romantic relationship.

Suddenly, certain acts of kindness become questions.

"Should I be doing this?"

"What if we do not get married?"

"Am I investing too much?"

"Am I being taken for granted?"

"What if this relationship ends?"

In many cases, the very support that flowed naturally in friendship becomes measured and carefully rationed once the relationship label is attached.

This raises an important question:

Should genuine care reduce simply because a friendship becomes a relationship?

Perhaps the answer is both yes and no.

No, because kindness, compassion, generosity, and support are qualities of character. If I genuinely care about someone, those qualities should not disappear simply because our relationship status changes.

But also yes, because romantic relationships introduce realities that friendships do not always carry. They involve deeper emotional investment, future expectations, family considerations, and often discussions about marriage. As a result, people naturally become more cautious about how much of themselves they give.

The challenge is finding a healthy balance.

A relationship should not become a transaction where every act of kindness is tied to a future promise.

At the same time, people should not ignore wisdom, boundaries, and accountability.

Another area where this discussion becomes even more complicated is physical or s*xual intimacy.

Many people believe that once physical intimacy occurs, marriage must automatically follow. Others believe that physical intimacy should not create any expectations at all.

The truth may lie somewhere in the middle.

Physical intimacy often creates emotional attachment, expectations, and vulnerability. Therefore, it is understandable when people begin asking questions about the future.

However, the feeling of being "used" is often less about the intimacy itself and more about dishonesty.

People usually feel used when:

• Promises were made without sincere intentions.

• Expectations were created and never clarified.

• One person concealed their true motives.

• Affection was offered merely as a means to an end.

The deeper issue is often not intimacy itself but sincerity.

A relationship cannot thrive where there is deception.

A friendship cannot flourish where there is manipulation.

And a future cannot be built where there is no truth.

From a Christian perspective, there is another important dimension to this conversation.

If two consenting adults engage in behavior they believe is outside God's design, should the discussion only be about who used whom?

Or should it also include personal responsibility, repentance, and the pursuit of God's mercy?

Scripture says:

"Flee from s*xual immorality." — 1 Corinthians 6:18

And again:

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." — 1 John 1:9

These verses remind us that while God calls us to holiness, He also offers forgiveness and restoration.

Perhaps one of the mistakes society makes is reducing every conversation about intimacy to either blame or entitlement.

Some people think intimacy guarantees marriage.

Others think intimacy should carry no responsibility whatsoever.

Neither extreme seems healthy.

Marriage should not happen simply because two people crossed a boundary.

Neither should people treat intimacy as something entirely disconnected from commitment, honesty, and accountability.

Marriage should be based on conviction, compatibility, shared values, mutual respect, and a genuine desire to build a life together.

Likewise, relationships should not be sustained merely because physical attraction exists.

True commitment is revealed through honesty, consistency, sacrifice, respect, responsibility, and accountability.

In the end, perhaps the goal is not to ask, "What can I gain?" but rather, "Am I being truthful, responsible, and honorable toward the other person?"

Friendship should remain genuine.

Love should remain sincere.

Commitment should remain intentional.

And marriage should remain a deliberate choice rather than a transaction.

The question remains:

Can we build relationships where care, support, and sincerity flow naturally, just as they often do in friendship, while still maintaining healthy boundaries and wisdom?

I believe that is a conversation worth having.

Hayab Kywom Moses
Relationship Insight

A few days ago, I watched some women exchange words during a heated fight somewhere in Kaduna. The things they said to one another were a reminder that many people are fighting battles others know nothing about.

One side was mocking the unmarried woman for not having a husband. The other side was mocking the married women, saying they were suffering in their marriages. The insults were flying from every direction.

But the truth is simple: there are happy singles, and there are happy marriages. There are also miserable singles and miserable marriages.

Marriage is not an automatic ticket to happiness, and being single is not a curse.

If you are single, build yourself. Be happy. Learn, grow, work, pray, and prepare for the future. Do not envy those who are married, and do not allow desperation to push you into the wrong relationship.

If you are married, do not suffer in silence. Marriage is not slavery. Responsibility is not a favour; it is a duty. Any spouse who abandons their responsibilities, neglects their family, or subjects their partner to abuse should be held accountable through family, community, legal, and institutional channels where appropriate.

Too many women are carrying the weight of entire families while some irresponsible men spend resources on flirting and irresponsible lifestyles. That is not love. That is not leadership. That is not marriage.

We must build a society where responsibility is respected and neglect is challenged. Nobody should be praised simply for being married while living in misery behind closed doors.

Whether single or married, choose dignity. Choose growth. Choose peace. And never allow anyone to convince you that your worth depends on your relationship status.

Your value was never tied to a ring. It is tied to who you are.

Moses Hayab
Relationship Insight

Many people confuse admiration with liking, but they are not the same.

You can admire someone without actually liking them. Admiration is often an immediate response to something you notice, such as a person's appearance, confidence, intelligence, voice, kindness, or the way they carry themselves. It is a reaction to what you see.

Liking someone is different. It develops as you get to know the person's character, values, habits, and the way they treat people. It is built through interaction and consistency over time.

This is why first impressions can be misleading. Sometimes you think you like someone, but what really happened was that you admired one or two qualities they displayed. As time goes on, you may realise there is no genuine connection, or even discover traits that make you lose interest.

The same misunderstanding happens in relationships. A lady may assume that because a man approached her, he already likes her deeply. In reality, he may simply have been attracted to or admired something about her. Whether he truly likes her is revealed over time by his consistency, respect, commitment, and how he treats her. The same is true in the opposite direction.

Real affection is not proven at first sight. It is proven after time has tested the initial attraction. Admiration may open the door, but character determines whether someone stays.

A simple way to remember it is this: Attraction catches the eye. Admiration captures the mind. But genuine liking captures the heart, and only time reveals whether it is real.

Relationship Insight
Nchas
Moses Hayab

One of the greatest influences on your life is the quality of the voices you allow into your decisions.

Earlier today, Catherine Z Ishaya shared a touching video with me. It told the story of a lady who made a life changing decision based largely on the advice of her friends. Interestingly, while most of her friends encouraged her to act immediately, one advised her differently. She urged her to communicate with her fiancé first before reaching any conclusion.

Unfortunately, she ignored that advice.

Convinced that she already had enough evidence, she chose not to hear the young man's side of the story. She believed any explanation he gave would only be an attempt to manipulate her. Instead, she decided to call both families and end the relationship without first seeking clarification.

On their way to the meeting, the young man's parents were involved in a fatal road accident. His father died instantly, while his mother died later.

No, she did not cause the accident. Life happens. But the painful reality is that some decisions leave us with burdens we never imagined carrying. Had there been genuine communication before everything escalated, the entire sequence of events might have been different.

This story reminded me of two important lessons.

First, be careful whose counsel you trust.

Not every friend is qualified to advise you on every matter. Friendship and wisdom are not the same thing. Before placing enormous weight on someone's opinion, ask yourself: How do they think? How do they make decisions? Have their previous counsel produced good results? Does their own life reflect maturity, wisdom, and sound judgement?

The people closest to you can either sharpen your judgement or distort it. That is why you must intentionally surround yourself with people whose advice is balanced, thoughtful, and rooted in wisdom rather than emotion.

Second, never substitute assumptions for communication.

One of the greatest mistakes in relationships is believing that what you have seen is all there is to know. Sometimes what appears obvious is incomplete, misleading, or entirely false. Social media has normalised a culture of making immediate decisions: "Leave immediately," "Don't ask questions," "Don't let anyone explain," "Protect your peace."

While there are situations that genuinely require immediate action, not every misunderstanding falls into that category. Every relationship deserves to be judged on its own facts, not by someone else's experience or by trends on the internet.

What happened to one couple will not necessarily happen to another. Every situation is different.

Communication remains one of the healthiest ways to resolve uncertainty. Listening does not make you weak, and seeking clarification does not mean you are being manipulated. It simply means you are committed to making informed decisions rather than emotional ones.

Finally, do not accept every piece of advice simply because it comes from a friend. Learn to evaluate counsel. Observe patterns. Test the quality of the advice people give over time. The day you truly need guidance, you should already know whose voice is worth listening to.

Choose your friends wisely.

Communicate before you conclude.

And never allow assumptions to make decisions that facts have not yet confirmed.