The Riess Family Adoption

There are parents who would rather watch their adult child disappear from their life
than confront the damage they caused.

Not because they didn’t notice your pain.
Not because they didn’t sense something was wrong.
But because accountability threatens the identity they need to survive.

For a long time, you believed the story that keeps children trying forever:
If I explain it better.
If I stay calm.
If I love harder.
If I become easier to be around.

You believed truth would eventually matter more than comfort.
That accountability would win.
That love would soften denial.

But some people do not avoid truth because they don’t understand it —
they avoid it because accepting it would collapse the version of themselves they’re protecting.

So they choose the option that costs them the least internally.

And as devastating as it is to realise,
losing you hurts them less than admitting they harmed you.

That doesn’t mean you weren’t important.
It means the system was built to preserve their self-image — not the relationship.

This is the part no one prepares you for:

Walking away wasn’t abandonment.
It wasn’t cruelty.
It wasn’t immaturity.

It was what happens when love keeps demanding your silence, your self-betrayal, and your emotional erasure as the price of staying.

You didn’t leave because you didn’t care.
You left because caring required you to disappear.

And the grief that follows isn’t just about losing them.
It’s about losing the hope that one day they would choose truth over comfort.
Repair over denial.
You over the story they needed to believe.

That loss cuts deep.

But it doesn’t mean you failed.

It means you stopped trying to save a relationship that required you to absorb the damage so no one else had to change.

Some parents would rather lose their child
than lose the illusion that they did nothing wrong.

And recognising that isn’t bitterness.

It’s clarity.

And clarity is what finally lets you stop begging for accountability
from people who chose denial long before you chose distance.

Abusers don’t rely on violence to maintain control.
They rely on loyalty.

Not earned loyalty.
Enforced loyalty.

The kind that’s installed early and reinforced quietly:
Don’t embarrass the family.
Don’t make things worse.
Don’t take sides.
Don’t air private matters.

Loyalty becomes the rule that overrides reality.

In these systems, harm isn’t denied —
it’s managed.

Managed through silence.
Managed through minimising.
Managed through pressure to “be the bigger person.”
Managed through fear of being the one who breaks ranks.

This is why the truth-teller becomes the threat.

Because once someone stops being loyal to the story,
the entire structure destabilises.

Enablers aren’t protecting the abuser.
They’re protecting the system that protects them —
the roles, the belonging, the moral cover.

Loyalty keeps their hands clean.
Silence keeps their conscience intact.
Distance keeps them from having to choose.

And when you leave,
they don’t mourn the relationship.
They panic about exposure.

“You’ve changed.”
“You’re tearing the family apart.”
“You’re unforgiving.”
“You think you’re better than us.”

Those aren’t accusations.
They’re containment strategies.

Because in abusive systems,
loyalty is never about love.
It’s about control without accountability.

Real loyalty can survive truth.
Weaponized loyalty cannot.

That’s why your boundaries feel like betrayal to them.
That’s why your absence feels dangerous.
That’s why your clarity gets punished.

You didn’t abandon them.
You withdrew consent from a system that required your silence to function.

And once you see that,
you stop confusing guilt with wrongdoing.

And I hope you find the people, places, and things that help you feel anchored and important

I’m glad you’re here. 🫶

💜

There’s a profound difference between forgiving mistakes made out of ignorance or weakness and excusing the intentional wickedness of a narcissistic mother who knowingly harms you. Mistakes happen in families, misunderstandings, moments of frustration or times when life’s pressures cause people to falter. But when your mother deliberately uses cruelty, manipulation or emotional abuse as tools to control or diminish you, these are conscious, repeated choices, not errors to be overlooked.

For those raised by narcissistic mothers, the pressure to forgive ‘no matter what’ often comes with strings attached; guilt, shame, or threats of withdrawal. You may have been told that forgiveness is the only path to healing, that holding onto anger makes you bitter or that family loyalty requires unconditional pardon. Yet true healing from this kind of maternal abuse involves recognising when forgiveness becomes a way to stay trapped in harmful cycles rather than liberate yourself.

Intentional harm from a narcissistic mother is never accidental, it is a weapon wielded with awareness and purpose. She knows the effect her words and actions have on you. Her manipulations are calculated, aimed at breaking down your sense of self and reinforcing her control. Forgiving such deliberate wickedness risks reopening the door to the very source of your pain, denying your right to protect your boundaries and preserve your wellbeing.

Choosing not to forgive does not mean you are unforgiving. It means you are honouring your worth and setting sacred boundaries where they are needed most, especially with the maternal figure who should have been your protector but instead was your oppressor. Distance, denial of reconciliation or refusal to offer pardon are acts of self-preservation, not malice.

Survivors of narcissistic mothers can heal and find peace without extending forgiveness that “softens” intentional cruelty. Healing means reclaiming your story on your terms, not rewriting it to accommodate someone who repeatedly chose harm. You don’t owe a narcissistic mother forgiveness as a condition for your freedom; your peace is not conditional on her willingness to change or atone.

Your refusal to forgive intentional wickedness is an act of courage and profound self-respect. It signals a refusal to be complicit in your own harm and a commitment to protect your heart from further betrayal. You can honour your pain, validate your experience and choose a path forward that centres your safety and emotional autonomy.

Some mothers knowingly inflicted damage; your refusal to forgive them doesn’t make you unkind, it makes you free.

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’: the Australian push to have all adopted people told their full history and identity Some people can get all the way through adulthood without knowing they are adopted. Should the government tell them?

💔 The Truth Changes Everything—But You Are Not Alone.❤️
He walked up to one of the top four DNA testing booths at RootsTech, sat down, and burst into tears.

He had just uncovered a life-altering truth—his father wasn’t genetically related to him. And in an instant, everything he thought he knew about himself shifted.
For years, he had identified as half Black and Hispanic, embracing his Black heritage as a core part of his identity. Now, he was being told he was actually half English and Hispanic. The foundation of his identity—the way he moved through the world, the way he saw himself—felt like it had been pulled out from under him.

Someone from the DNA company had just come by our booth, debating the right to know your genetic identity versus the privacy rights of parents. We discussed how truth matters—not just for medical history, but for mental health, for identity formation, for preventing accidental relationships between close relatives, and most importantly, for the well-being of the child. The child is the innocent bystander in their own conception. There is no comparison between their right to know and nondisclosure to protect a parent’s comfort or fear of judgment.

Now, sitting in front of them, was living proof of why this right matters. They knew exactly who he needed to talk to. They walked him over to us. At our booth, we listened, we hugged, we cried together. He truly understood that he was not alone.

And the person from the DNA company? They saw, firsthand, why truth and transparency are not optional—they are essential.

💡 This is why we do this work. 💡
Because the truth shouldn’t come as a shock.
Because no one should have to process an identity crisis alone.
Because every person deserves to know where they come from.

💬 Have you or someone you love experienced a DNA surprise? How did you process the emotions that came with it? Let’s talk.
🔗 Support truth and transparency—help us reach more people. Donate today. Every dollar helps bring this work to the places where it’s needed most.
https://donorbox.org/righttoknow


Ancestry 23andMe FamilyTreeDNA MyHeritage

I wrote an article about this exact topic. I hope anyone out there who is holding a 'secret' like this will read this and decide to do the right thing as a parent. Everyone has a right to know the truth about their genetic origins, and there is no justification for keeping this information a secret -- ever. Equally important is the way the parents handle the aftermath. Failing to express genuine remorse without conditions, lying, shifting blame, and not holding yourself accountable can easily lead to estrangement. Do the right thing for your children, and be honest with them. This is NOT your adult child's burden to carry, it is your own.

Please read what Right to Know has written because it's so important. Here is my post, too:
https://theriessfamily.com/2024/10/10/adoption-disclosure/

Parents' choices ripple through their children's lives—especially in the world of adoption, assisted reproduction, and NPEs. When the truth comes to light, it’s vital for parents to step up, put their adult child’s needs first, and truly be there for them.

Navigating a DNA surprise is emotional and overwhelming. A real parent listens, supports, and prioritizes the person most affected—their child—over their own guilt or pain.


💔 Share your story. Call 323-TALK-MPE or visit www.RightToKnow.us for resources and support.

New paper published today regarding impacts of DNA surprises (NPEs) similar to LDAs, such as me. Dr. Whitley emailed me today stating the next phase of this study is to create resources for people in this situation which is critical in these circumstances.

“I’m trying to figure out who the hell I am”: Examining the psychosocial and mental health experience of individuals learning “Not Parent Expected” news from a direct-to-consumer DNA ancestry test - BMC Psychiatry Background According to recent estimates, around 30 million people have taken Direct-to-Consumer DNA ancestry tests, typically marketed as a fun, harmless and exciting process of discovery. These tests estimate a user’s ethnic ancestry, also matching users with biological relations on their databa...

South Korean adoptees and families rocked by fraud allegations Peg Reif was among more than 120 people who contacted The Associated Press this fall, after a series of stories and a documentary made with Frontline exposed how South Korea created a baby pipeline, designed to ship children abroad as quickly as possible to meet Western demand.