Equispirit Healing

I hope everyone has had a good start to 2026!

I am on a chemo coma day but doing well.

I am remaining off Facebook for the time being but wanted to just check in and say I do post on my Substack if anyone ever wants to join me over there! If you have an account do feel free to share it below ♥️

Equispirit Musings | Kathryn - Equispirit | Substack Horses, motherhood, cold water swimming, travel; living with Stage 4 cancer. I follow my own spirituality based in nature. Refinding myself over and over and over and over. Click to read Equispirit Musings, by Kathryn - Equispirit, a Substack publication with hundreds of subscribers.

I was so excited to discover this on iplayer! I need to watch it again as I fell asleep 🤣 Nothing to do with the quality of the programme, just still recovering from the infection!

I so want to go here. I decided a couple of months ago Canada is my next big wish. It is a HUGE wish but I am determined to find a way. Then this pops up and convinces me all the more.

Not sure I would be up for trekking the Rockies alone on horseback though 🤣 Obviously a camera crew helps when needed....!

Gordon has also done one in Lapland which is lovely to watch and see how the bond with his reindeer grows.

I love seeing this focus on relationships with animals in this kind of way ❤️

I got discharged from hospital yesterday, hooray!

Straight into normality with Friday night movie and sleepover with Grace. I couldn't deny her as she was so happy to have me home.

I had also promised Grace a trip into town today so I dug deep and managed that this morning. We popped into Dan Rox for Grace to look for some coral. Dan had the perfect fossilised coral necklace and Grace is very very happy! She also bought a small ruby. I love it when she spends her pocket money on crystals/fossils etc!

Loving the shop refurb there. It's just brilliant; atmospheric with lots of character and a very anamistic vibe! Loads of great stuff in there too. I picked up this bottle today as I felt it would help me focus on a bit of self healing following the latest hospital incarceration!

Their new shop ThreadzRox&Broomsticks is next door so we had a quick look around. I daren't looking at too much as it might prove too tempting! Lots of beautiful clothing and I feel I may be back before the summer for some festival and summer outfits!

We are so lucky to have independent shops like this in Tiverton - if you are local pop in and see them in Bampton Street.

There is something we do routinely with horses that we would struggle to accept for ourselves: we relocate them. Frequently. Sometimes with careful thought, sometimes casually, sometimes because the timing suits us. New yard. New field. New companions. New routine. New handlers. New expectations. And we rarely pause to consider what this actually demands of them, not emotionally but biologically.

A horse experiences the world through their nervous system, not through concepts like practical or necessary. That system is continuously assessing: Am I safe. Is this predictable. Where is threat. Can I recover. When we move a horse, we are not just changing their address. We are erasing the entire sensory map their nervous system relies on to answer those questions.

For a prey animal, every detail of their environment provides information. The terrain underfoot. The pattern of sounds. The quality of shelter. The rhythm of the day. How light moves through the space. Where other horses are. Whether they can move away when they need to. When a horse arrives somewhere new, the body immediately starts reassessment. Muscle tone shifts. Sleep patterns change. Digestion can alter. Startle responses may rise. Some horses become hypervigilant. Others go quiet and still, a state that often looks like settling in but may actually be conservation mode. This is not dysfunction. This is biology doing its job. But disruption without adequate recovery time carries a cumulative cost.

Horses do not simply live beside other horses. They regulate with them. Established herd relationships offer shared vigilance that allows rest, predictable social structure, buffering through proximity, and safety through numbers. Every time a horse is moved, these regulatory relationships are severed. Even when a horse appears to make friends quickly, the nervous system still has to renegotiate hierarchy, boundaries, proximity, and trust. Some horses do this obviously. Others do it quietly. Both require energy. A horse who has been moved many times may eventually stop investing deeply in connection, not because they do not want it, but because repeatedly rebuilding it is metabolically expensive.

After relocation, people often notice changes that get labelled as behavioural problems. Sudden spookiness. Separation anxiety. Irritability or shutdown. Resistance under saddle. Digestive changes. Altered movement quality. Loss of curiosity. Reactivity to touch. These are not random. They are often the nervous system saying: I am still orienting. I am still assessing threat. I am not yet resourced. When we ignore these signals, push through them, or try to suppress them, we do not build resilience. We build defensiveness.

To understand this without anthropomorphising, consider a human parallel. Imagine being repeatedly moved into unfamiliar homes in unfamiliar neighbourhoods with unfamiliar people, no choice, no preparation, and no stable base to return to. You would not need to feel emotional about it for your nervous system to register instability. Your sleep would shift. Your baseline tension would rise. Your tolerance for novelty would narrow. Your capacity to relax deeply would shrink. That is not a flaw in character. That is physiology. Horses operate under the same biological principles.

Some horses cope better than others depending on temperament, early experience, genetics, and support. But coping is not the same as thriving. And the absence of visible distress does not mean regulation. A horse can appear functional while carrying elevated baseline stress, and research in stress physiology shows that the body keeps score even when behaviour looks fine.

Before relocating a horse, it is worth slowing down to ask different questions. Is this move necessary or simply convenient. What does this horse stand to lose in terms of predictability, relationships, and environmental familiarity. What support will they need neurologically, not just behaviourally. Am I allowing enough recovery time, or expecting performance before safety is re-established. Am I watching for subtle strain in sleep, digestion, curiosity, recovery after work, or social engagement. How many times has this horse already faced this disruption. History matters.

When moves are necessary, we can support the transition responsibly. Give the horse several weeks for genuine settling rather than surface adjustment. Maintain as much routine consistency as possible. Reduce performance expectations at first. Provide choice where possible. Integrate into the herd gradually and thoughtfully. Watch for signs that the nervous system is still working hard. Recognise that turnout with compatible companions supports co-regulation. Understand that some horses need weeks or months, not days.

Stability is not a luxury. Horses do not reset simply because they arrive somewhere new. They carry their nervous system history forward. Every relocation adds to that history. Every disruption registers. Every period of stability is protective. This does not mean never moving horses. Life happens and circumstances change. Sometimes relocation genuinely improves welfare. It simply means acknowledging that movement is not neutral. Environment matters. Herd continuity matters. Predictability matters. Recovery time matters. And a regulated nervous system is not optional. It is the foundation for everything else we ask.

At WHJ, we are not asking for guilt. We are asking for awareness. When we truly understand the biological cost of repeated instability, we begin making different choices. We move horses less casually. We plan transitions more carefully. We watch more closely. We allow more time. We question whether convenience for us is worth destabilisation for them. These choices shape behaviour, health, and wellbeing across a lifetime. That is what it means to think well of our horses, not just in moments but in the long term.

Further reading:
The term “New Home Syndrome” has been used by Dr. Shelley Appleton to describe behavioural changes observed in horses following relocation. Readers interested in a behavioural transition perspective may wish to explore her work alongside nervous-system-based approaches. https://www.calmwillingconfidenthorses.com.au/blogs/new-home-syndrome

Today Grace came to visit me in hospital after school. She insisted on stopping home first and grabbed Dominic. She proudly presented him to me on her arrival. She remembered he was my special pony who always kept me safe and comforted me in hospital. She also made a little bead string for me. I have no idea how I didn't just burst into tears.

I told Grace the story of Dominic the pony some time ago, it goes like this:

When I was 8 years old I was admitted to hospital very anaemic and in need of an urgent blood transfusion. We had gone to visit my grandparents in Torquay on my GP’s advice. He didn't believe I was ill, he told my parents my tiredness was due to not wanting to go to school and I was having them on.

I remember going on a walk at Babbacombe Downs and being physically unable to walk any further, my dad carried me back on his shoulders and then took me to my grandparents' GP who did a blood test, I vomited on him as he did it and he advised them to take me urgently to the hospital.

I was given blood transfusions and from there the investigations into what was causing the anemia began. I stayed at West Suffolk on numerous occasions to have more transfusions and was admitted to Great Ormond Street a few times for further treatment and investigations. I would walk around with my blood bag and especially loved riding the rocking horse as the blood dripped in!

I was eventually diagnosed with Auto Immune Haemolytic Anemia, a condition that affected the rest of my life.

I attended various hospitals over the years as they tried to work out why I kept getting the anaemia and failing to find answers.

Throughout all these hospital visits Dominic was with me. I told Grace the story of how when I was admitted to Torbay Hospital for the first time my parents went to find a present for me. I was obsessed with horses but in 1986 there weren't many toys around other than My Little Ponies. My parents spotted Dominic in a shop window, it was shut so they waited. It still makes me emotional to this day, now as a parent I can't imagine just how they must have been feeling as they waited for that shop to open, not knowing what would happen to their daughter.

Dominic lives in Grace's room now but I explained how precious he was and why she needed to take care of him!

Grace is such a thoughtful and empathetic girl. I can't believe she remembered mine and Dominic's history and thought I needed him with me.

Love her so so so much. I hate what me being in hospital does to her too.

We had lots of cuddles ❤️

Really hoping to get out of here tomorrow but I am not convinced…. I am doing my best to manifest it!

https://open.substack.com/pub/equispirit/p/meet-dominic?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=ql95a

It happened so quickly. Everything can change in an instant, that's what scares me and this episode has been a huge reminder of that at a time when I've been feeling particularly anxious living with this cancer diagnosis.

1pm Monday I'm replying to a friend who asked how I was saying I am feeling great.

1.30pm my arm is hot, swollen and sore and I am shivering and spiking a temperature

3.20pm Admitted to hospital and quite delirious with the fever.

I had done the school run in the morning and been thinking at the time that I feel good and was excited that I had no chemo for 3 whole weeks! I have been looking forward to my Christmas treatment break and having some quality Grace time, getting to see Tigger and just enjoying the freedom of not fighting feeling sh*te every week!!

Also I am supposed to be at the London International Horse Show on Saturday and was really looking forward to it, it's on my horse living list to go one more time and I haven't quite given up hope I will get there on Saturday, I am improving so it might be feasible....

Infections

These are what scare me so much about living with cancer. If the cancer itself is what takes me in the end I have time to plan, leave future birthday cards for Grace, say things I might want to say, spend some life insurance money on a last massive adventure with her! (it pays when you're given less than 12 months). However I am really vulnerable due to low immunity, caused by the weekly chemo and I don't have a spleen. In the past we have also struggled to find an antibiotic that works. I had one particularly vicious infection when they struggled to get anything to work, it was petrifying knowing it wasn't working and we were running out of options - thankfully one did in the end!

An infection could too easily be the sudden end of me and Monday night was one of the scariest I've had for quite some time.

At one point, as I lay curled up on the hospital bed in my delirious fever awaiting assessment, I thought this could be it. As I left the house I had told mum where all my important documentation was, not something I've ever felt I needed to do before.

The doctors were fussing with me, then trying to do an ECG which was hell as I was shivering so much with the fever and felt freezing, they were having to lift up tops and move trousers and I just wanted to be left alone with all layers on and blankets, piles of heated blankets! They wanted me to do this and that and I could barely move or understand what was being asked.

My mind then went into some kind of lightness, a floating feeling. Something inside me was saying float away, give up, this is just too exhausting. I was switching off from what was going on. I thought again this could be it.... then I saw an image of me hugging Grace, tears are welling as I type that, the image was so real, the feelings so strong and they saw me through it, I held on to them rather than the feeling of giving up and floating away! Not that I was really going anywhere, don't think I was anyway!

I have a cellulitis infection in my lymphodema arm, thank goodness I got to the hospital quick. I could feel the infection moving up my arm, I've never experienced anything quite like it! I've been on lots of IV antibiotics and am still waiting for a scan to ensure there isn't a blood clot - I am assuming it isn't as they haven't rushed it!

Just look at my wrist bands, last time I had this many it was much more fun at a festival!

My arm put on a bit of weight!

I am still spiking the odd fever which isn't pleasant but at least they aren't sending me completely mad now and they are less frequent.

I need to get out of here and to that horse show so hopefully it will continue in the right direction. I even managed to get to the cafe today and have a small Christmas roast dinner - much better than the offerings on the ward and a good sign as my appetite is back.

Grace came to see me yesterday, she is so cute. She'd given my mum a little note to pass to me in the morning, then when she came to see me she brought her dragon with her and left it with me to cuddle. She also has a nice surprise this evening at gym as it turns out she got 3rd for bars and beam at her competition last weekend!

Once again, I’m the youngest person on the ward. My mum sat with me while everyone else was surrounded by their children — and in some cases, grandchildren.

Hospitals are anything but restful. Have you ever heard how loud an oxygen machine can be? Or noticed the constant beeping from all the equipment? Add in renovations to the wet room, and I think I'd have a headache even if the fever wasn't causing one!

These wards are incredibly hard places to be. It’s impossible not to feel like they’re glimpses into my own cancer future. You see so much, hear so much, and there are tears and breakdowns everywhere.

Somehow, sometimes bodily functions become celebrations — a wee in the bed announced like a victory as it means the catheter is pushed back another day! Then there's constant vomiting one side. Today I had to run out to get the nurses when a lady collapsed naked out of her bed - thankfully I am at the point I can do that and she is no worse for the fall. Similar happened once before and we were all shouting as none of us could physically get out of bed!

I feel for every one of these women, treading their cancer path. It's a cruel disease to navigate.

Privacy doesn’t exist here but care, love and patience sure does. The team is incredible—every single person who keeps the ward running. From nurses and doctors to housekeepers, cleaners, assistants, and so many others who are too often overlooked. The job they do is priceless and I am forever grateful to them all.

https://open.substack.com/pub/equispirit/p/unexpected-hospital-stay?r=ql95a&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web

Sea Swim Christmas Gathering

Today was something really special — our Christmas sea swim for everyone who’s taken part in the Chill South Devon Swim Course for those living with or recovering from a cancer diagnosis. I’m so glad I made it. The whole swim was pure joy. So much laughing, shouting, and full on screaming at the waves — which were wild and relentless! They just kept rolling in, one after another. We jumped them, we pretend surfed them, and a few of us even got knocked off our feet. It was brilliant. My water shoes got dislodged a couple of times, that's never happened before 🤣

The sea was around 12 degrees, but it didn’t feel too shocking with the air about the same temperature and I was far too focussed on the waves as opposed to the cold!

It was especially lovely seeing two people from my own group and having a proper catch up. I don’t often make the regular swims, usually too tired on a Thursday after Tuesday chemo, but I was determined not to miss this one. And I’m so glad I did.

A beautiful, salty, laughter filled reminder of community, resilience, and joy. I really needed it after the last few days, I have been in quite a slump and this really lifted me!

I have a sauna booked at Suvi Saunas, Clevedon Marine Lakes on Saturday, I can't wait to get in the water again. It is incredible the benefit this cold water malarkey has on me mentally and physically. It's such a shame it is harder to find clean water to swim in in the winter, with the weekly chemo I have to be extra cautious of infection risks and with the sewage overspill and run down from fields winter swimming can prove tricky!

I need it though so I will keep trying!! It's becoming really noticeable that if I dont get my cold water swim and/or horse fix my mental health drastically suffers! It's my place to let it all go, ground and be in the moment surrounded by nature. Withdrawal symptoms definitely happen when I don't get my fix! Maybe I need to move closer to the sea!

5 years of parenting with cancer.

Primary diagnosis December 2019/January 2020

Secondary diagnosis December 2022/January 2023

Through breastfeeding, preschool, first day of school, finding her love of gymnastics, birthdays, Christmases, first music gig, her first theatre show, her first tooth falling out, her first train ride, her first trip to London, first holiday abroad, first roller skating, first ice skating, first camping holiday, first festival..... and so many more firsts I thought I might never see.

Another Christmas tree put up - December 2019 I stood on the beach in tears watching Grace run about, thinking this time next year I won't be here. Every year the same thoughts hit me BUT I am still here, still fighting and witnessing so many firsts - forever grateful to be able to say that.

I have been having some high anxiety over the cancer returning at the moment. I go through phases of calm, then panic. Christmas is quite a panicky time for many reasons, the time of year I seem to get diagnosed and that fear that grips me that this could be my last one.

I have to sit with the anxiety, acknowledge it because it isn't going away. I find if I allow the thoughts in a controlled way they don't get as overwhelming. If I ignore them they will encompasses me unawares at inappropriate moments!

I worry as another Christmas passes it means I am another year into this diagnosis. I was told I'd be lucky to see 12 months in January 2023, here I am 3 years in with a 12% chance of seeing 5 years... it's scary. As the odds get less with each year that passes the anxiety increases.

Averages are just that, there are people that fall either side, I pray I continue to fall the right side of these averages for many Christmases to come.

I love this girl more than anything, a type of love I never knew could exist. I can't break her heart and leave her ❤️


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A VERY yummy festive wrap at Café Banana this morning followed by a trip into town with Grace for some Christmas shopping. 🥰

Grace found all 10 elves hidden around the Tiverton Pannier Market and then managed to convince me to buy another book in Liznojan 😂 It was my own fault, before we went out I said no more books, then took her into a bookshop 🤦‍♀️😀 (it has been hidden away for Christmas so hopefully she will forget about it...)!

❤️

Dougal isn't too sure about the December arrivals!!

I don't have the energy or enthusiasm to think up silly things every day this year so I came up with a plan! I have been trawling through the charity shops and Vinted looking for second hand cheap books! The elves have told Grace she will be getting a book a day, all she has to do is find them each morning - so all I have to hide them, I think I can manage that 🤣 Then I have to find space for 25 more books......

Seeing Grace's excitement last night and this morning (it was a 6am wake up call) does make the effort worth it! ❤️