Sound Minds Counselling Studio

Friendships can feel so complicated. Friendships, like any relationship, take work. They require forgiveness and compassion and vulnerability and honesty.
One of the things I hear often when it comes to friendships is “It feels like I’m the only one who initiates getting together or communicating in our friendship.” And that leads to a sense of a one sided relationship - does the other person even want to be my friend?
I have a few thoughts on this:
1. A true friendship should be able to handle an honest conversation - if the friendship means enough to you to fight for it, then perhaps letting your friend know how you feel would be helpful. If you find that you are constantly asking for reassurance it may be something you need to work on in yourself or the friendship isn’t healthy; but it is totally ok to be able to let someone know that you are needing a little additional feedback on how they feel about the friendship.
2. We all have seasons where we have more energy to reach out, and seasons where we are simply grateful that another person is taking the initiative to stay connected because we realize that we are too overwhelmed to do so. When we find ourselves in the latter we can let our friends know that we appreciate them taking a more “responsible” role in the friendship and that we are grateful that they aren’t letting us go.
3. It breaks my heart when, for some, an unhealthy friendship is better than no friends at all. Is a toxic friendship more valuable than no friends at all? My answer would be “no” … with a “but” … having a toxic relationship will be poisonous to becoming the person we have been created to be, BUT the alternative of loneliness may also be harmful. Ideally, I recommend finding opportunities to create different friendships. Join a group of people who enjoy similar interests, take a class - not online! -, or find a church that has people your age and see if they have any groups you can attend. Recognize that this process can feel difficult and it may not be an instant connection with someone new, but unless the opportunities are created the chances of finding a healthier friend or two are limited to your current circumstances.

I imagine most of us have seasons where we feel like what is required of us is more than we can provide.
It may be the busy season of parenthood, or the requirements of ageing parents, it could be a job where we are often overextended, or complicated relationships we are navigating. The list could go on … and it’s ironic how often it seems that all the difficult things have conspired, and we are being stretched in too many ways!
Being stretched isn’t bad and we don’t want to avoid all uncomfortable experiences; we need them to build the muscles of resilience and courage as we face challenges in healthy ways.
However, just like it isn’t wise to be in the gym 24/7 building muscle, there are times where we need to acknowledge that we have nothing left to give.
Ideally, when we notice the stretching creating injury (to continue my gym analogy) we take a break.
This could look like:
We take a day off, we turn off our devices, we hire a cleaner or childcare provider, talk to a friend, go for therapy, or whatever seems doable to give yourself room to breathe.
I know this isn’t always possible and if this is your story I want you to know you aren’t as alone as you feel.
When we aren’t able to take a break we need to reach out for support. It’s amazing how much space we create in our brains by sharing our burden with someone. What felt impossible before may feel slightly less so.

I am currently heeding my own advice and taking a few days of quiet solitude.
And I know it’s working because I had the creative mental space to write this.

Take care my friends 💗

https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/the-best-of-you/id1620059010?i=1000768893415

This resonates with me - and may with you as well if you notice yourself being triggered in relationships. I give it all the stars and have ordered the book! 😁

209. Triggered in Marriage, Parenting, or Friendship? How to Respond Without Overreacting OR Shutting Down Podcast Episode · The Best of You · May 21 · 56m

I love counselling and I also love my client-free Fridays.
It’s often a pj day while working in my bookkeeping office. I don’t call it a rest day, but it rests the part of my brain that I use for listening and helping.
Learning to rest can be complicated and it takes practice. There is a difference between resting and escaping. There is a difference between resting and doing nothing. Rest will provide refreshment for your soul.
If all your ‘rest time’ involves consuming - reading, watching a show, scrolling mindlessly, having audio input - it might be worth noting and experimenting with some rest time that eliminates those things. Going for a walk without headphones. Sitting in the sunshine without your phone. Having coffee with a healthy friend.

Well, I’m off to my office where numbers always make sense, coffee is welcome, and pjs are considered adequate. Practically bliss 😉
Happy Friday my friend 💗

My feelings on Mother’s Day are complicated. I asked God yesterday to give me His perspective, because my own was cynical and unedifying.
It wasn’t until this morning as I thought of my mom and imagined giving her a hug (she’s tiny and almost fits under my chin!) and saying “I love you mom” as I always do, that God poured these thoughts into my mind.
Being a mother requires:
1. Selflessness - we often need to put our child’s needs ahead of our own. And we learn to manage our emotional reactions without holding our child responsible for the times we fail.
2. Forgiveness - we must forgive ourselves for the times we are not being the mom we want to be, and we forgive our kids for the times they are not being the kids we want them to be.
3. Realistic Expectations - it is healthy and good to have expectations of our children, but they have to be realistic and reasonable. Our kids have differing capacities and capabilities and we have to be careful when comparing them to their siblings or peers.
Having a mother requires:
1. Selflessness - as an adult child there are times we may feel like the adult in the room and being able to release our mom from being responsible for our emotional reaction takes grace, growth and selflessness.
2. Forgiveness - without minimizing the impact that an unhealthy or immature mother may have created, we can forgive her for not being the mom we needed her to be. This is for our growth and healing.
3. Realistic Expectations - again … without minimizing the impact that an unhealthy or immature mother may have created … we can accept that our mom may have done the best she could with the capacity and capability she had.

For those of you feeling all the complicated feelings this Mother’s Day … please offer yourself much grace and love 💗

Sometimes we experience situations and circumstances that we recognize may only be for a season, and we trust that someday this too shall pass.
But what about when the reality is - as someone recently told me - “this is just my life”, and instead of ‘this too shall pass’ we recognize ‘this too shall last’?
I asked God how we carry on when reality doesn’t point to healing or the happy ending story we all love to hear?
Two things immediately came to mind:
Truth
Gratitude
I ask myself ‘what is still true in this moment?’
⁃ I have people who care about me
⁃ I have survived all of the days leading up to today and have had good days in the past
⁃ I have great value even when I don’t feel like I do
⁃ The sun will rise tomorrow and remind me that God is always faithful
⁃ Coffee tastes good
⁃ *insert your own statement of truth*
And I make myself find three things I’m thankful for right now:
⁃ The window I’m looking out of reveals a tree full of beautiful purple finches
⁃ Silence
⁃ Having purpose in my day
Please note - I would never minimize how devastating illness, mental health disorders, and unfair circumstance are. But two things can be true at the same time: this sucks, AND I am able to remind myself of truth and find something to be grateful for today.
Take such good care of yourself my friend 💗

Hey friend,
Consider this an invitation to do a “stress” check-in with yourself:

Take a moment to breathe, notice how the air feels as you breathe in, and become aware of your chest rising in response. Feel the air leave as you breathe out and notice the way your body performs this mindless yet crucial process.
Did you notice your body relax? (It’s ok if it didn’t … don’t judge yourself!)

Now check in with your stress level - I am imagining someone reading this and spitting out their coffee as they laugh at the absurdity of checking their stress - of course we are stressed! Life is SO stressful!

Rather than seeing the stress as all consuming I invite you to see two columns, or two boxes, or (in some cases) two dumpster fires …
One contains the stress that you have no control over and the other holds the stress that you somehow need to manage.

For the stress that you have no power to control I invite you to say “it is what it is, and I cannot change it”. Then breathe in and out and let it go.

For the stress that needs to be managed ask yourself where you would like to see things at the end of the week - BE REALISTIC! - and take ONE step towards that.

Please don’t think I’m minimizing the weight of stress or how disabling it can feel, if the thought of even taking one step is too much, please reach out to someone for help.
Having a source of support is so important for all of us, whether we are stressed or not, but especially during the hard seasons.

Feel free to consider me as one of the options for navigating the season you are in.

Travel tips for anxious travellers - please note I have no qualifications other than I am indeed an anxious traveller. From the moment Bob said “book it!” I have had moments of anxiety and downright panic.
Here are some things that have helped me (I am on day 10 of a 13 day holiday and have enjoyed much of it!)
In no particular order:

⁃ limit alcohol - alcohol can impact mood and you don’t need the extra depressant
⁃ Bring a blanket or pillow from home (freshly washed to feel extra cozy)
⁃ Consider talking to your doctor about lorazepam if you are prone to panic attacks
⁃ Use a travel agent - they can answer questions and provide helpful information, ours was amazing!
⁃ Our travel agent provided us with a tipping guide that I printed and brought with us and we use it religiously
⁃ If having internet access or staying in contact with people at home is important ask your cellular provider about adding that to your package for the time you’ll be gone
⁃ Establish a bit of a daily routine to help with feeling grounded and settled or plan out your holiday at home with a daily itinerary (remembering to stay flexible!)
⁃ Use sunscreen even if you tan easily - the pain of a sunburn may reduce your capacity to stay regulated
⁃ Use a good quality probiotic specifically formulated to help with traveller’s diarrhea - we have done this the last three hot holidays and it really makes a difference. We used Florastor this time, easily purchased from Amazon
⁃ Drink lots of bottled water (I brought an insulated mug to keep water cold on the beach)
⁃ Anticipate that things won’t go as planned and there will be moments that don’t meet your expectations, and it’s ok
⁃ Have a plan for how you will process your days - talking it over with a travel companion, or messaging a friend at home or journaling etc.
⁃ Consider writing out the values that prompted you to plan this holiday and allow those values to guide or encourage you when you feel anxious and just want to go home
⁃ Give yourself grace. So. Much. Grace.
(This is me after my most anxious night so far. I’m processing by writing this post … you’re welcome 😉)

I am out of the office for a bit ☀️☀️☀️
I will continue to periodically check messages and book appointments.
Be well, and we’ll chat once I’m back!

The brain’s capacity to change is miraculous! Marvellous! Life changing!
And we have some power over the process.
I discovered this first hand when I went back to school at the age of 50. When I received my truckload of textbooks I was horrified that I was required to actually read every word in every book (one book every 3 weeks!) I have always been a reader but my reading had diminished to a 5 second pause as I scrolled through my phone. I didn’t realize that the horrifying truth was how I had changed my brain over the years of scrolling to have less persistence in reading.
As I read, and read, and read, I was amazed that it became easier. And I haven’t stopped reading since. My brain has no problem with committing to a full book - even when it’s a textbook or something unriveting.
Last year, as I did an extensive ADHD course I heard over and over how our smartphones impact the way our brains work - in a negative way - and I decided to limit my phone use to mostly essential practices. No more games. (They were word games I told myself as I played endlessly … how bad could it be, right??)
I started doing physical jigsaw puzzles instead, and in a weird way it felt like my brain had more room to think and every puzzle has taught me real lessons! I can’t explain it, but it’s been so healthy.
I am not telling anyone how to live their lives - the beauty of being a human is that we have the power to choose every day - but I want you to know that you are never too old, or too young, or too neurodivergent, or too busy to help your brain become healthier by reducing your screen time. You may discover real life is actually amazing too 💗