Jess Phillips Coaching

I work with a lot of clients who are stuck in cycles of over-giving, obsessing about their partners needs, or who pride themselves on being selfless while in a relationship with more of a taker.

Unfortunately, none of these traits actually mirror those of someone who is selflessly giving; it mirrors the behaviour of someone who is addicted to control, approval, and connection.

The tricky thing about codependency is that it’s not selfless at all; it’s an (albeit kind attempt) to control the way someone sees you. It’s a way to look like the hero, while making the other person look like a vilain.

Codependency is a behavioral and emotional pattern where someone prioritizes another person’s needs, emotions, or problems at the expense of their own well-being.

It’s often rooted in childhood dynamics; like growing up around dysfunction, addiction, or emotional neglect; where love and safety were tied to caretaking, control, or self-abandonment.

Children who grow up in these types of environments will base all their sense of worth and stability as an adult onto their partners, friends, or co-workers. And when this doesn’t go as planned, they can experience huge tidal wave emotions of rejection, fear, and/or self-loathing.

Just for today, if you resonate with any of the aforementioned characteristics; pause before you act or respond.

Take a second to ask yourself ‘am I saying yes to be liked? Am I agreeing to please? How would I respond if I wasn’t scared of their reaction?

Your truth will be hidden under those responses; it just takes practice to get reconnected to that quiet voice 🙏🏼

I get a lot of phone calls and messages from people telling me they feel ‘crazy’ in their relationships, and that they don’t understand why they are so 'high-functioning' in all areas of their lives, except when it comes to their romantic relationships.

Codependency and insecure attachment can feel super confusing. Many people can exude strong boundaries when it comes to to their careers; in the way they take care of themselves; and how they handle their finances and social lives- but when an individual who hasn’t processed the dysfunction they endured in the home or healed from the abuse they may have suffered from an emotionally immature, narcissistic, or alcoholic parent; chances are they will seek out those exact characteristics in a partner which can trigger an awful cycle of push-pull dynamics, high & low cycles of dating, and a rollercoaster of emotions.

Codependency and anxious attachment are not labels that you wear for life, and can changed. Codependent behaviours are nothing but a set of strategies that you subconsciously use to try and get someone to change, or to control how they might feel about you.

I don’t believe this is usually done maliciously. I don’t believe people want to feel obsessive or insecure about how their partners feel about them. Many people just haven’t realized yet that they are usually with the wrong partner for them, or that a lot of their feelings of low self-worth and obsession have little to do with the other person, and are usually a reflection of their own unhealed parts.

Just for today if you’re obsessing or chasing after someone and it feels exhausting, painful, or addictive; it probably is. Codependents have been taught to not trust their gut and to hustle for the love around them.

This is your gentle reminder that you don’t have to do that anymore. Healing from these strategies often takes a significant amount of work and perhaps some time alone but it will always equate to less time wasted on the pursuit people, places, and things that are not meant for us 🙏🏼

Many clients ask me ‘How can I start setting boundaries without feeling so guilty?’

The truth is, if you’re not used to standing up for yourself, boundary setting will come with some guilt attached in the beginning; and it’s important to remember to keep setting them anyway.

Often we want to implement new practices without any uncomfortable feelings; but just like starting fresh at the gym, or trying a new hobby; you won’t be very good at it in the beginning.

When I first starting saying ‘no’, or telling people that their comments hurt my feelings, I was riddled with guilt. My nervous system was more accustomed to making other people feel comfortable, long before it got comfortable with me putting myself first.

My best advice is to do it anyway. Your actions matter way more than your guilt in the moment.

Clear is kind, unclear is unkind.

Many people pleasers think they’re putting others first, but in reality you’re just trying to avoid upsetting someone which is the opposite of being transparent and authentic 🖤

For anyone who knows this feeling all too well; knows it can be one of the most dysregulating and uncomfortable states to be in.

Feeling anxious in a relationship means you are unable to regulate your nervous system the majority of the time. It means you are unable to trust the other person; and you’re trying overly hard to get nuggets of validation and closeness.

And unfortunately, I have a little secret for you! 🤫🤫🤫

Chances are you’re in the wrong relationship.

Do many of us need to work on our insecurities? Yes.

Is it okay to seek validation from your partner? Yes.

Is it normal to be anxious and/or jealous sometimes? Yes.

But I can safely guarantee that if you feel this way the majority of the time, this is not your person.

Just for today, pay attention to with whom your nervous system feels safe around. If you feel safer with friends or family, your gut may be trying to tell you something about ‘the love of your life’.

Nervous systems don’t lie. We’re just not very good at trusting them 🖤

If you’re ready to do the deeper work, send me a message. I have two coaching spots open until Oct.1st

Many of my coaching clients often say to me ‘Jess, how do I heal my anxious attachment style and become less ‘needy’ in my relationships?”

And my answer is always the same; I ask them “How safe do you feel in your relationship”?

No amount of chemistry, connection, or ‘love’ will ever be enough if you feel unsafe, unseen, or unheard with a partner.

More often than not, these anxious-leaning individuals are in relationships with the wrong partners. Many of them have pursued unavailability, chemistry, or lust, and tried to turn into something safe and meaningful.

Relationship bargaining often mimics the behaviour of an alcoholic trying to control their drinking. They start to implement rules or guidelines to control their relationship to the chosen substance.

Here’s what that can look like:

Drinking only on the weekends
Drinking beer instead of hard liquor
Drinking only after a certain time of the day
Never drinking alone and only in company

The hard truth at the end of the day is that no matter how hard you try to control and enjoy your drinking, you may be ignoring the fact that you have a problem with alcohol.

The same applies to toxic relationships. No matter how hard you try to become ‘nonchalant’, less needy, more self-focused, or busy; the more you may be avoiding that this is not the right person for you.

Just for today, please remember, love is supposed to feel safe. Your nervous should be calm and centred around ‘your person’.

Love does not require you to self-abandon and twist yourself into a pretzel to suit someone else’s needs.

If you’re trying too hard to make something work, you may be focusing all your energy on the wrong thing 🖤

For anyone who has been stuck in this push-pull type of dynamic in a relationship, they know how bad this dance can feel.

An anxious leaning person and an avoidant leaning person will usually seem highly compatible at first; lots of chemistry, long deep talks, and a desire to deeply bond at an electric level.

The problem that is often overlooked is that the avoidant will feel super safe to open up at first. They will be taken aback by the anxious persons’ generous nature; their ability to share so openly and emotionality; and their willingness to help the avoidant person ‘open up’.

The trouble with this dynamic is that one person is usually over-giving (codependent) and the other is used to taking and shutting down with things get ‘too real’.

Once the honeymoon phase of these types of dynamics pass, the giver will soon need the taker to start giving; and that’s when the panic sets in.

Unless both parties are actively engaged in some type of work around their attachment style; this dance usually ends in disaster.

Once the codependent moves passed the euphoria of getting the avoidant to open up; they will start to need more (as any human would); and unless that avoidant knows how to give in return, resentment and chaos are usually on the way.

Just for today, if you are stuck in this dance- pause. Are you over-giving to the wrong person? Are their words and actions aligning? Are you in love with a fantasy version of them in the future?

If so, it may be time to look at your own behaviours instead of theirs 🖤

What if you could wake up every Tuesday morning and have my lovely (annoying) voice straight in your inbox! 😅🤓

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Vacation starts now with my ride or die travelling partner

Off to see our favourite firefighter 🧑🏻‍🚒

Let’s see if we can actual relax this time 👹👯‍♀️

One of the most common things I see when working with people who have struggled with codependency, people-pleasing, or suffering from the aftermath of narcissistic abuse; is the inability to trust themselves and trust in what they are noticing around them.

When we put others on pedestals; start romantic relationships with individuals with huge egos or narcissistic traits; we run the risk of being exposed to emotional immaturity, gaslighting, and devaluing behaviour.

It doesn’t matter who you are; this will corrode your sense of self-worth and self-esteem little by slowly over time.

One of the hardest things to do is walk away from these types of relationships; but when we finally do, it can be a beautiful opportunity to have everything you’ve noticed along the way be validated, and start to build back the trust and confidence you once exuded into the world.

If you’re trapped in one of these cycles and the thought of leaving feels unbearable; you may be more trauma bonded than actually in love with the person.

If it feels like a drug; if you withdrawal from this person like a drug; and you feel like no matter how much you connect, it’s still never enough..

I promise you it’s not love you’re seeking; it’s dopamine and a familiar chaotic nervous system cycle that you may be very used to from childhood.

Just for today, let’s let our bodies withdrawal and see what’s really coming up for us 🙏🏼

I need your help, friends! I’m trying to grow my podcast channel (and soon to be YouTube 🤩) channel to a 1000 subscribers.

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Thanks for listening, sharing, and all your wonderful topics and support along the way! 🎙️❤️

One of my first (of three) licenses has finally arrived! 🤓👩🏼‍🎓

Going back to school during Covid was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Not just because of what I learned, but also because I proved to myself that I can do very hard things.

When first got sober, I couldn’t read or write well. And now, after almost a decade of learning, practicing, and unwavering discipline; I feel confident not only in my writing, but in my ability to help others.

I always knew that I would become an entrepreneur; but I knew in my heart that I needed to make sure I was well equipped before I got there.

As I sit here reflecting on my mini stay-cation, I’m realizing the fundamental importance of taking risks.

I was terrified 5 years ago. Terrified I would fail. Terrified I would quit when it got too hard. Terrified that I would never be able to complete countless hours of studies and countless hours of internships. But the very cool thing about fear is that your joy is usually waiting on the other side.

Here’s to be so close to the official ‘internship’ finish line and not giving up 💛