The TrueReport

🏒 Liberal Government Orders NHL Teams to Meet DEI Quotas — Each Roster Must Include “One of Everything”
OTTAWA — In a move hockey fans are calling “more shocking than a Leafs playoff exit,” the Liberal government has announced that all NHL teams must meet strict DEI (Diversity, Equity & Inclusion) quotas starting this coming season — or risk losing federal rink subsidies, snow removal credits, and Tim Hortons sponsorship privileges.

Under the new rules, each team must have at least one player from each of the following categories: an Indigenous skater, a visible minority, a senior over 55, a person with a degree in underwater basket weaving, a vegan goalie, one guy who “just vibes,” and a Maple Syrup Ambassador.

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Liberal Government Orders NHL Teams to Meet DEI Quotas OTTAWA — In a move hockey fans are calling “more shocking than a Leafs playoff exit,” the Liberal government has announced that all NHL teams must meet strict DEI (Diversity, Equity & Inclusion)…

Zombie Liberals Shuffle Through Streets, Elbows Up, Still Blaming Trump as Canada Melts Like a Timmies Ice Cap
OTTAWA (TRUE NORTH BRAINS) — It’s official: the zombie apocalypse has arrived in Canada… only it’s not brains they’re after — it’s more Trump headlines.

Across the country, dazed and confused Liberals were spotted wandering aimlessly with their elbows up, muttering, “Big orange man bad… must check C​B​C… he ruined my oat milk latte.” Experts say it’s a full-blown outbreak of Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) — a highly contagious condition where citizens forget about their own collapsing house while shouting about someone else’s paint colour.

“They don’t even know what day it is anymore,” said Dr. Gordie Maplebrains of the University of Moose Jaw. “The economy’s on fire, interest rates are stacked higher than a double-double, and these folks are out here like extras from The Walking Dead: CBC Edition.”

The Canadian Institute of Totally Real Statistics found that:

🧟 78% of Liberal zombies spend more time ranting about Trump than checking their hydro bills.
🧟 62% believe Mar-a-Lago is personally responsible for their potholes.
🧟 1 in 3 have never actually looked at the national debt clock, but “feel it’s Trump’s fault anyway.”
Meanwhile, the real Canada is wobbling like a Timbit on a dashboard. The loonie’s tired, debt is stacked taller than a snowbank outside a Tim Hortons, and the average Canadian wallet now resembles a sad poutine — soggy, thin, and overtaxed.

But none of that seems to faze the infected. One Liberal zombie in Toronto, identified only as “Chad from Climate Studies,” was found outside a Starbucks, repeating, “Orange bad… inflation emotional manipulation… CBC soothe me.”

Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland told reporters,

“Yes, debt is up. Yes, housing is a disaster. But have you SEEN Trump’s facial expressions? It’s terrifying. We must stay vigilant.”

Dominic LeBlanc chimed in from behind a fog machine,

“We’ll deal with Canada later. First we must emotionally process whatever Donald posted at 3 a.m.”

Meanwhile, ordinary Canadians are rolling their eyes so hard they’re fogging up their hockey visors. One trucker in Sault Ste. Marie summed it up best: “Buddy, my mortgage just went up by more than the carbon tax rebate. I don’t care what Trump said — fix the bloody country.”

Authorities recommend turning off ​C​BC news and looking at a Canadian pay stub as the most effective treatment for Trump Derangement Syndrome.

🍁 Until then, zombie Liberals continue to shuffle across the land — elbows up, eyes glazed, feelings first, wallets empty.

🐘 The Elephant Assimilation Project
According to leaked documents, the program began in 2021 with an “urgent environmental mission” to understand “why Canada, despite its polite citizens and strong belief in climate change, has failed to attract wild elephant populations.”

The researchers, Dr. Judy Longtooth and Dr. Marty Maple, reportedly spent three years:

Conducting “empathy interviews” with elephants via Zoom;
Testing how well elephants could handle minus-30 temperatures with little scarves;
Introducing them to Canadian traditions like maple syrup, curling, and politely apologizing to trees.
“We’re trying to make Canada feel like home for them,” said Dr. Longtooth. “We already have beavers, moose, and raccoons. Elephants are the next logical step.”

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🐘 The Elephant Assimilation Project According to leaked documents, the program began in 2021 with an “urgent environmental mission” to understand “why Canada, despite its polite citizens and strong belief in climate change…

💰 Liberals Launch “Trump Trauma Cheque” — $250 for Canadians Emotionally Damaged by The Donald
OTTAWA (TRUE NORTH TINGLES) — In a move that has already been dubbed “the most Canadian therapy since double-doubles and Nanaimo bars,” the federal Liberal government has announced a new relief program for Canadians who’ve suffered “mental distress, emotional bruising, or mild eye twitching” caused by the personality of Donald J. Trump.

The “Trump Trauma Cheque Program” — designed by the Liberals’ supreme negotiator Mark Carney himself — will send eligible Canadians a one-time $250 cheque to help “recover from psychological exposure to Trumpian vibes.”

Carney told reporters in his best calm banker voice,

“This is about ​catalyzing healing, eh. Canadians deserve financial support when exposed to foreign loudmouth energy.”

But here’s the catch: to get the cash, applicants must meet the following “scientific” eligibility requirements:
🍁 Be a registered member of the federal Liberal Party.
🍁 Publicly declare their unwavering belief in climate change (bonus points if you ​dont’t talk to people that do not compost).
🍁 Have experienced at least two emotional outbursts after seeing Trump on TV.
🍁 Demonstrate proof of at least one “WTF moment” during a Trump press conference.
🍁 Submit a 250-word reflection essay on how Trump’s hair personally offended you.

Cabinet Minister Dominic LeBlanc added with a straight face,

“This is about national healing. And yes, we’ll accept screenshots of your tweets from 2016 as evidence of trauma.”

Foreign Affairs Minister Mélanie Joly chimed in,

“People underestimate how serious Trump fatigue is. I once watched three minutes of one of his sp*eches — I couldn’t even finish my kale salad.”

Innovation Minister François-Philippe Champagne was even more dramatic:

“This is worse than watching Leafs lose in overtime. Canadians deserve hazard pay.”

Ex-cabinet member Mark Holland — now calling himself “Canada’s emotional support buddy” — said,

“Trump’s personality is like cold Timmies coffee: loud, bitter, and gives you heartburn. This cheque is basically emotional Pepto-Bismol.”

Critics have called the program “maple-flavoured nonsense,” but Liberal strategists say it’s already polling well among people who still wear “I’m With Her” buttons.

Applicants who also identify as “climate warriors” or “CBC loyalists” will be eligible for a bonus $25 gift card for oat milk lattes.

Meanwhile, Conservatives dismissed the program entirely. One MP shouted across the floor, “If you can’t handle Trump, how’re you gonna handle real life, b’y?”

But Carney remained firm, sipping his perfectly foamed latte.

“We’re not just protecting wallets. We’re protecting feelings. Because in Canada, feelings come with direct deposit.”

🍁 Applications open Monday. Bring your Liberal membership, a sad tweet, and a good cry.

In a move that’s already being called “the boldest and booziest climate policy since banning hot tubs in Goose Bay,” Newfoundland and Labrador Premier Tony Wakeham has officially asked citizens to “drink less beer” to fight climate change.

According to Wakeham’s “Chill the Rock Plan,” the average Newfoundlander allegedly consumes enough beer each year to “fill a small iceberg,” and all that p*eing “creates too much warm liquid that melts the snowbanks faster than a propane BBQ in February.”

Standing proudly at a podium shaped like a Moosehead can, Wakeham declared, “If we reduce the beer, we reduce the p*e. If we reduce the p*e, we reduce the heat. If we reduce the heat, BAM — climate crisis solved, b’y.”

A honest fake study by the Atlantic Centre for Questionable Science found:

🍻 The average Newfoundlander drinks 312 beers a year (and that’s just on weeknights).
🚽 84% admit to “relieving themselves outdoors at least once during a shed party.”
🌡️ Premier Wakeham claims this creates “an invisible p*e mist” that “heats up the Rock by at least 0.6 degrees.”
Federal climate officials reportedly stared at their coffees in disbelief when the plan was presented. One Ottawa bureaucrat was overheard saying, “It’s either genius or he’s had too many Black Horses.”

Wakeham insists this isn’t about punishing beer lovers — it’s about “climate courage.” His government is launching a new campaign called “Sip Smart, Chill Hard,” with slogans like:

“Less Lager, More Icebergs”
“Cool the Rock, One Pint at a Time”
“Save the Planet — P*e Later.”
To “incentivize climate responsibility,” citizens who cut their beer consumption by 50% will receive a provincial rebate of two snowballs and a free reusable mug shaped like a cod.

Reaction has been mixed. One St. John’s man outside a Dominion store said, “If he thinks I’m givin’ up my Friday pint to cool the island, he’s cracked like sea ice in July.” Another woman said, “I’ll switch to vodka — problem solved.”

Environmental activists have cautiously praised the Premier’s “creativity,” though one scientist admitted, “I’ve been studying climate change for 20 years, and I’ve never graphed p*e before.”

Meanwhile, Alberta Premier Danielle Smith responded dryly: “We prefer to burn oil, not beers.”

As Wakeham wrapped up his announcement, he raised a near-empty pint and toasted: “For a cooler tomorrow — and maybe fewer hangovers, too.”

🍁 Newfoundland: where the beer is cold, but the climate plan is colder.

*eLessSaveTheRock

“Fire on the Arm” Sparks RCMP Misfire — Premier Defends the Boys in Red While House Burns Down 🔥
Prince Edward Island’s Premier Rob Lantz is standing firmly behind the RCMP this week after what locals are calling “the most PEI misunderstanding since the great lobster bake parking fiasco of ’09.”

The drama unfolded late Tuesday night in Goose Point, when local resident Betty Gooseman frantically dialed 911 screaming, “There’s a fire on his arm! He’s pointing right at the fire on his arm!” Unfortunately, thanks to the infamous “dab cell service” in the area, the dispatcher only heard the words “pointing… fire… arm.”

Within minutes, instead of firefighters, half the RCMP detachment showed up like it was a small-town action movie. Sirens blaring, flashlights out, and one officer reportedly yelling, “DROP THE ARM!” — which confused Joe even more, since technically, it was already on fire.

🧯 The Great Mix-Up
According to the official incident report, Joe Gooseman was “pointing a firearm” during the call. In reality, Joe was “pointing at the fire on his arm,” which had been caused when he tried to fix his propane torch while holding a can of Molson. “Classic Tuesday,” as Betty later described it.

The RCMP quickly tackled Joe, zip-tied him, and carted him off to the station for “agitated yelling while on fire,” a charge they may have made up on the spot. Meanwhile, Betty’s house — a 1973 mini-home with wood siding and one working smoke alarm from Zellers — burned to the ground.

🏛 Premier Steps In
Premier Rob Lantz defended the RCMP, saying,

“They responded quickly to what they believed was an emergency involving a firearm. Sure, the house burned down, but you can’t expect Mounties to carry fire hoses and handcuffs. We gotta pick one crisis at a time.”

When asked if better cell service might have prevented the fiasco, Lantz replied,

“Look, we’re working on it. PEI isn’t exactly Silicon Valley. Sometimes your TikTok won’t load and sometimes your house burns down. That’s just rural charm.”

💥 Betty’s Big Ask
Now homeless and furious, Betty Gooseman is demanding compensation from the province.

“I want a new house, a lifetime supply of propane, and a bionic arm for Joe — or as I call him, my fireproof ex.”

Joe, still singed but out on bail, added,

“I ain’t mad at the RCMP. But if I had my bionic arm already, I coulda smacked the flames out myself.”

The RCMP have since promised a “review of communication procedures,” which locals say is code for “blaming the cell tower again.”

Meanwhile, PEI firefighters confirmed they never received the original call. “We were literally across the road eating donuts,” said one firefighter, “but the call got hijacked by the boys with the cowboy hats.”

📱 In summary:

A flaming arm became a “firearm.”
RCMP arrested Joe.
House went full marshmallow roast.
Premier defended everyone.
Betty wants her bionic happily ever after.
RCMP have not ruled out creating a new 911 option: “Press 1 for fire, 2 for fi****ms, and 3 if you’re just on fire yourself.”

According to a totally legitimate and definitely scientific poll by the Institute of Maple-Flavoured Political Feelings, 71% of Canadians now believe Donald Trump wants to take over the entire world, one Tim Hortons at a time.

The poll surveyed 6,942 Canadians, 12 lost tourists, and one goose that refused to answer without bread. Results showed:

🍁 71% said Trump is “basically Hi**er with a better spray tan and louder hair.”
🦫 18% said he’s “more like Dr. Evil, but with cheeseburgers.”
🍔 7% thought “Hi**er” was the name of a new Netflix series.
☕ 4% were too busy in the Timmies drive-thru to care.

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Fake Poll Shows Most Canadians Think Trump Is Basically Hi**er With Better Spray Tan OTTAWA (TRUE NORTH DRAMA) — According to a totally legitimate and definitely scientific poll by the Institute of Maple-Flavoured Political Feelings, 71% of Canadians now believe Donald Trump wants to…

💩 Mark Carney Unveils “P**p Prosperity Plan” — Canadians Can Now Save the Planet One Flush at a Time
In what’s being called “the most ambitious bathroom policy since Trudeau banned leaf blowers,” Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced a bold new climate prosperity initiative: Canadians will be encouraged — and eventually “politely mandated” — to limit their bowel movements to just twice per week.

Dubbed the “P**p Prosperity Plan”, Carney claims this innovative policy will cut methane emissions, conserve water, and help Canadians “embrace the true spirit of green living… with clenched cheeks and open wallets.”

“Every time a Canadian flushes, the planet cries a little,” Carney said at a press conference held in a zero-emission porta-potty behind Parliament Hill. “This is about discipline. It’s about climate justice. And frankly, it’s about time we weaponized fibre.”

🌿 How It Works
Under the new program, every Canadian resident, international student, or “person temporarily residing in a van down by the river” will be allocated two official p**ps per week. These are logged through the newly developed EcoLoo™ app, which connects directly to your toilet seat (or composting bucket if you’re living the “green lifestyle”).

Anyone who stays within their bowel budget will earn two carbon credits per week, which they can:

💰 Sell on the open market to “heavy emitters” like beef farmers and Tim Hortons locations with drive-thrus.
🥫 Trade in for federal food stamps, good for plant-based protein, recycled crackers, and non-dairy “maple beverages.”
💸 Hoard to use during the holidays when gravy emergencies happen.
Carney boasted that the average Canadian currently emits 37 kilograms of methane annually from bowel activity alone. “That’s basically the same as driving a Ford F-150 to Timmies and back… 1,432 times,” he said, adjusting his eco-friendly bamboo tie.

📊 Silly Stats to Make It Sound Official
92% of Canadians p**p at least 5 times a week, and 14% admit to “just doing it for fun.”
By cutting down to two movements a week, Canada could reduce national emissions by “at least the amount of one Mountie’s horse per year,” according to a government-commissioned napkin study.
The average flush uses 6 litres of water, which, according to officials, “could hydrate 4 Liberal cabinet ministers during a policy retreat.”
🗣 Government Response
Julie Dabrusin, Minister of Environment and Climate Change, praised the initiative with a straight face.

“This is about empowering Canadians to make eco-friendly lifestyle choices,” she said. “When you hold it in, you’re holding it together — for the planet. Plus, the carbon market needs fresh movement. Just not too much movement.”

When asked about the potential health impacts of restricting bathroom breaks, Dabrusin shrugged and replied,

“That’s what peppermint tea is for.”

🚽 Reactions From Canadians
Gord from Moose Jaw: “If I only get two p**ps a week, I’m cashing them in on Sunday morning after Timmies and hockey. That’s my Super Bowl.”
Sophie from Guelph: “I’m starting a black-market carbon credit trade. We’re calling it PooCoin.”
Raj, International Student: “Back home, we didn’t get paid to p**p less. Canada truly is the land of opportunity.”
🪙 A “Movement” with Momentum
The government insists the program is voluntary “for now,” but pilot testing in PEI has already shown a 14% drop in flushing and a 36% increase in people staring nervously at bran muffins.

Carney ended the press conference with a flourish, stating,

“This is more than a policy — it’s a movement. A controlled movement.”

Canadians can pre-register for the EcoLoo™ app starting November 1. Those exceeding their weekly quota will be required to plant a tree, buy a carbon offset, or listen to 45 minutes of Trudeau talking about climate goals.

🇨🇦 Summary:

P**p twice a week = 🌎 saved.
Earn carbon credits 💰.
Tim Hortons lineups unchanged.
Trudeau reportedly “very excited” about composting.
Coming next month: a pilot program to limit burps.

🥓 Doug Ford Burns Canada’s Back Bacon — Nation Shook Like a Beaver in a Blower Storm
OTTAWA (TRUE NORTH EH) — Canadians are clutching their double-doubles tighter than ever after Doug “Dough Boy” Ford went on yet another Trump-style rant this week, yelling about taxes, greenbelt conspiracies, and why poutine should be federally subsidized.

Witnesses say Ford was seen pounding the podium “like a moose on a frozen lake,” shouting things like “I’ll flip this bacon myself if I have to!” and “Ontario’s gonna sizzle!” — sending shivers through every Tim Hortons lineup from Thunder Bay to Brampton.

“Canada used to be calm, polite, and perfectly cooked,” said Charlene McGravy of Burlington, wiping maple syrup tears from her cheek. “Now our political back bacon is burned. Crispy. Charred. Ruined. Just like my ex’s BBQ.”

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https://loom.ly/ijvSHk0

🥓 Doug Ford Burns Canada’s Back Bacon — Nation Shook Like a Beaver in a Blower Storm OTTAWA (TRUE NORTH EH) — Canadians are clutching their double-doubles tighter than ever after Doug “Dough Boy” Ford went on yet another Trump-style rant this week, yelling about taxes…

Ottawa Announces New “National Subscription to Exes” Program — Canadians Outraged but Confused
In a move that has baffled economists, comedians, and divorce lawyers alike, the Liberal government has officially rolled out the National Subscription to Exes Program, which ensures Canadians keep paying for people they no longer live with, love, or even tolerate — much like spousal support in a no-fault divorce.

Prime Minister Mark Carney proudly called it “a bold and innovative way to guarantee emotional continuity and financial confusion across the nation.”

“This isn’t about fairness,” Carney explained, elbows up and grinning. “It’s about making sure Canadians remain financially attached to people they’ve already emotionally blocked on Instagram. That’s what builds a strong middle class.”

💸 1. Rent for Homes You No Longer Live In
Under the new program, every Canadian will be responsible for paying rent on at least one home they don’t actually live in. Officials say it “symbolizes the spirit of shared memories” and “stimulates the real estate market for your ex’s new partner.”

“I love paying for places I don’t use,” said Gary from Sudbury. “Really builds character.”

🏋️ 2. Lifetime Gym Membership — for Them
The bill also mandates lifetime gym payments for your ex, even if you haven’t done a push-up since 2004. “Relationships are like fitness,” said Minister of Emotional Economics. “You may quit the gym, but the treadmill remembers.”

🚗 3. Financing Cars You Don’t Drive
Every Canadian ex-partner will now get a car, courtesy of their former other half. You pay the monthly bill, they drive to wine country. Transportation Canada says this will “encourage economic growth” and “crush your soul in a very dignified way.”

“She’s in a convertible,” said Steve from Kelowna. “I’m on the bus. Feels fair.”

🌬️ 4. Emotional Airspace Tax
Canadians will now owe a small fee for “the emotional air” they once shared with an ex. This includes restaurants, cottages, and that awkward night at the Niagara Falls Motel. Revenue Canada says this tax “protects the sentimental environment.”

📺 5. Streaming Services You Can’t Watch
Finally, every Canadian will legally be required to pay for a streaming subscription used exclusively by their ex. You can’t log in, can’t change the password, but hey — at least they can binge-watch your money’s worth.

“I don’t even like Love Is Blind,” said a tearful man from Winnipeg. “But apparently, my Visa does.”

🍁 Government Defends Program
Liberal officials insist the initiative is “just a modern extension” of no-fault spousal support, designed to keep “the economy and resentment equally strong.”

“Relationships may end,” said Carney, “but monthly payments are forever.”

Pierre Poilievre responded by calling the plan “financial polygamy,” promising to replace it with a “Cancel Your Ex Subscription Act” if elected.

Meanwhile, Canadians are lining up at Service Canada, not to sign up, but to double check if they’re already enrolled.

As one Vancouver resident put it, staring blankly at his new bill:

“I didn’t subscribe to my ex. But apparently… Canada did it for me, eh.”

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https://loom.ly/LgmsUTE

In a story that has left even seasoned politicos spitting out their double-doubles, Tamila Singh, longtime house cleaner for Premier David Eby, has come forward with claims that the Premier’s dog has been secretly advising him on government policy from a shed in the backyard.

According to Tamila, who worked at the Eby residence for over eight months, she “knew something was off” when she repeatedly saw the Premier heading out back with a notepad, a chew toy, and a serious look on his face.

“At first, I thought he was just talking to himself like every Canadian dad fixing a snowblower,” Tamila told TrueReport. “But after two months of sweeping near that shed, I realized he was having full-on policy meetings with Mr. Wiggles.”

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🐶 “Paw-litical Whisperer” — David Eby’s Dog Confirmed as Secret B.C. Policy Advisor In a story that has left even seasoned politicos spitting out their double-doubles, Tamila Singh, longtime house cleaner for Premier David Eby, has come forward with claims that the Premier’s dog has…